My head is up in the clouds

These past few weeks I've had a lot on my mind. One thing in particular has bothered me quite a bit. Thing is that after I've spent years, and I mean YEARS, talking to my friends about not doing prescription medicines as a form of "getting high," I am now prescribed to them. It's weird how the world works. Nothing else eases the pain though, what else am I supposed to do? Pot is not legal where I live, hence I am unable to acquire it. Only thing that is left for me to do is to take those little white pills, and wait for the pain to subside.

I've lost my footing. I was doing real well there for a while, being the person which people came to to talk about getting off the stuff, and how to live without it. Now, it's not so easy to face them and tell them that I am officially consuming these substances as well. Granted, I have a doctors note, and a legitimate reason to take them, but I still feel like there is no more liability on what I say.

I can say this, that I still don't want to see any of the people whom I care for get involved with these drugs, I don't want to be on them either. They make me sleepy, dopey, and numb out more than just my aching back. My mind has suffered, my social interaction has suffered even more because of it. It has made me into a zombie of sorts. I hate it.

Now I wait for a series of surgeries which will hopefully return me to a more mobile state, able to work and fend for myself, I'll finally be able to get out of moms house... again. Really shitty part is that I came here to keep her company about 2 years ago, then the accident happened, and a short stay has turned into an undetermined amount of time. Without being able to work for this time, I've managed to rack up some bills, and lost some people. But what am I gonna do? That is life, and I guess I must live it the way it was dealt to me. Still, no reason to not want more out of it. I do want to do a lot of things still, like see Ireland, England, visit my friend in Japan... All of these things, I must keep in mind. Something to live for. I lost that for a minute there, and it was scary.

w_l

Art dies, art lives.

My laptop has crashed. It will not turn on. It is officially DEAD.

5 years plus of writing, journals, and just random stuff all gone. I stopped using it so much, hence why I haven't been writing like I should in here, but the other day I went to turn it on and... nothing. Not even a boot screen, just darkness.

Well, the last time I made a back up was like 6 months ago, or sometime before all of this medical shit started. Somewhere around there. So much happened, though I wonder if it's just better that these memories/proofs of life then are gone now. Might be much better off this way.

Life and Death

I had a thought today:


As a hopeless romantic, when I die it will be much like the way I came into this world.

At night.

Alone.

All due to a series of unfortunate events, stemming from a womans love.


And it's alright.

Mitigation in my mind

Days like today, nothing matters.

I feel dead, tired, over worked.

Yet, nothing has happened.

Nothing, again.

If one expects change, one should create it. Right?

Every time I deal with the world,

The world bites back.

Every time I deal with people,

I see the ugly faces pop up again and again.

Addiction,

Sexual,

Or chemical,

It's all the same really.

A need for people to forget.

I keep running into these two demons,

Over and over again.

All I want is some peace of mind,

Knowing that you wont walk away

To get high on dope

Or be with someone else.

Just be there

As I would for you.

But no

It's never like that.

There are always preconceptions

Of notions meant to alleviate your "pain."

Don't you know though,

That through your actions

You end up hurting everyone around you?

Here I am,

Another day with nothing to do.

I'm a little glad,

Somewhat sad,

But still I'm here

And there is nothing pulling me down

Except me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect

Where has it gone? Who has it anymore? I for one do not understand where I went wrong, or if I event went wrong at all.

Get a call from a girl, whom I fancy, and she wants to hang out! I'm like "swell, of course I'll hang out!" So she meets me at her friends house, where I meet some pretty ok people. From there, we chat, we all go through our motions and our arbitrary conversations where we get to know one another. Things seem very well.

Suddenly, a group of people show up delivering the blues... not the music, but the substance that South Florida seems to be so infatuated with. She changes. She starts talking to their driver, and begins to ask me if I can score some pot for her. Sure, I say. I try, but come up dry. "Oh, I have some at home, we can just go pick it up real quick..." He says.

About an hour passes. A twenty minute thing has turned into much longer. I don't know what to think, I'm tired of just chatting it up with people whom I don't know. I'm done. I pick up my shit, and leave.

She wanted to spend the night, so she says. She wanted to hang out and talk, so she says. Then why leave me with a group of total strangers as you go off ridding with some schmuck. I don't get it. No respect, as a great comedian once put it. No fucking respect.

Don't tell me you want to hang out, then leave me to go "chill" with someone else. Don't tell me you wanted to be with me, when you leave me for some guy who just turned up. What am I, chopped liver? I just don't get it.

There is no respect left, there is no real understanding of people left. It's only garbage, or so it seems. Bob Dylan once said something along the lines of send me someone who is not a fucked up person, and I will give my life to you. How right he is, to this day.

What happened to respect.

I saw you last night

Again with this. Stay out of my dreams. How is it you manage to get in there. I don't even want you there, I don't even think you belong there. My own body wakes up after feeling you crawling through my head.

Thank you.

Late night thoughts after a night of drinking.

Tonight I was hanging out with some good friends, had a really good time. Had a chance to see life from a different perspective, and it was good. Yeah, thats kind of cookie cutter, but hell... if I told you everything then there wouldn't be any mystery!

I did learn something tonight though, and that is to not let things get to you. Because no matter what happens, there is always something different going on.

I shouldn't let stupid medial bullshit get to me as much as I do. It's silly, really. Something I can always count on is the fact that life will change, no matter what. I wish things could have been different in the past, but these things happened for a reason. Whether it was to teach me or them, they happened. It's just learning to let them be that is the hard part.

Life is wacky, and there is nothing that one can do about it.


I hope soon I'll have something more to write about. I've been thinking about the things that go in the world around me, and I want to write about them. I will, whether it's one thing or another, I will. Because our world is a strange place, and very strange things happen. This is why I wanted to be a journalist anyhow, to explore the world around me and make a note of it, in order of future generations to understand and exploit, so that they may know what the world is like, and know what to do and not to do.

On that note, I leave you.

Slow month is slow

It's been a slow month. Guess video games have been taking up a lot of my time. Theres nothing else to do at the moment, I think I may have already talked about this on here, but whatever.

My desktop has a bunch of alt art pictures that are always rotating, I kind of wish I could be as awesome at drawing as these people seem to be. I can't even draw stick figures right.

If you want to know more about Alt-Art, click HERE

Today I felt like I had failed you, failed me.

Today I felt like I had failed you, failed me.

It's ok though, things happen the way they do for a reason. People are easily manipulated, and do the things they do. I was always true to my word, and that much gives me the peace of mind that I need.

Still though, I feel like I failed you.

Because I wanted to save you, and it never occured to me that you didn't want to be saved. That you were happy with the needle in your vein. How vain of me to think that I could change your mind.

Still though, I feel like I failed me.

Because I wanted to keep something for myself, that was beyond grasp and beyond understanding. There were moments that we spent that I will never forget, like laying naked in your bed holding one another.

Still though, I feel like I failed.

Because it's not easy to forget you, and as hard as I try, you always come back to haunt my thoughts, when I am reminded of all the addicts I've known, I just don't understand how I didn't see it in your eyes sooner.

Still though...

Cellophane Skin

Curtains drawn,
but it's all the same,
when you look
into a burlesque anyway.

Don't make a sound,
it's time for a round
of my favorite cognac
which we sip so quietly.

With
and without
the thunder of night,
dwindling fright
seeps from their eyes.

Come take a walk through
a new comers door.
See the blazing frame
wrap up what is left
of what once was humane.

Complicated

Her curly hair washed over her face casting the silhouette of her nose, a cute angle to say the least. A smile tainted by the drugs and other chemicals that her friends liked to feed her would often slip into our conversations, as an array of ideas we exposed slowly came to light, all in the darkness of the back seat of the car. Cuddled up next to each other, feeling the resonance of the others voice deep within, the conversation lingered on. Sometime during the night, the rain began to fall. Clink Clank on the steel rooftop, it made little difference to the two. Eyes melting into each other, it was aviation of the mind. Lips often do such beautiful things, spelling out words of awe and wonder for the eye to see and an ear to listen, all meanwhile they speak their own language as they swell and redden with the pulsing of their hearts. Another night, spent awake and without sleep. It's ok though, they'll have all the time to rest when they are dead. For now, it is this time, the few moments they have with one another in a car, a bar, or some darkened room that matter. It is theirs to hold and enjoy. Time slips by, and without a second notice those they care for have moved on. It is now, here, that their insatiable thirst for one another is temporarily quenched. For the few minutes they spend makes up for a lifetime without the other.

If only she had seen it the same way. If only the drugs hadn't rotted her mind away. Would it even matter now? Time clears all, sometimes even memories. Emotions are washed away from hearts by the tides of experience, just the same our faces become older and weathered, wrinkles in time.

What would you say now?

Their smiles light up the world for them, somehow they know that there is hope left after meeting one another. These short moments meant the whole world once, thought now they are only kept in tiny crevices, it is theirs to cherish for as long as they allow themselves to remember that it was true, and nothing will ever change that.

Just another day

It's been a few days since I wrote. Been busy playing video games and reading, it's the only things that really keep me entertained right now. Not much else is do able, so whatever. Been meeting lots of cool people online, and it's nice to know that others out there are just as geeky, if not more, about it. Either way, I'm glad. Maybe I'll write something later, maybe not. I think it's nice to take a brake from anything and everything every once in a while.