Breathe, while you still can.

You see, the thing is that as human beings we are inherently needy. Be it for attention, a hug, someone to talk to, the friend to listen, to speak, to wait for. A lover, an enemy, a gruesome and dramatic stop or start. We all need some of these things in life. I have been lucky to find some if not all. Lately I had thought myself so lost, so unaccompanied, but it took a couple of friends, and some strange situations, to make me realize that I am not as alone as I once thought. These people, a bartender, a mother, and someone who befriended me just because. These three have made me feel something again besides despair and loneliness.

It's taken so long though, and even if I do feel enlightened at this moment in time, I'm afraid it's something I may loose again, because it's those people in life that let you know you are here, that there is a connection from within to the real world. That emotion.

Certainly one of the people I've grown fonder of is a friend. someone who I started hanging out with because I honestly felt alone, and she was willing to talk to me. This friend made a whole lot of difference, kept in touch, and even allowed me to inundate her txt in-box with rants and raves about emotional stuff that no one should have to deal with, especially when unwarranted. She's made me feel again though. After so long of not wanting to, and blocking every little bit of emotion out, I started feeling something again. I started to feel like someone enjoyed my company, enjoyed to listen to me, didn't brake me down, bring me down, tear at me with words. She listens, and I listen. She is a really good friend. I'm sorry if I've ever made her feel uncomfortable, but someone like this doesn't come around very often, and I'm pretty good at going over board most of the time.

It's certainly a change from sour girl. She was nice and made me happy, but within a month or two she became mean and tore at my ego, tearing me down and making me feel bad. That wasn't cool, and it's still causing issues... because I put so much trust in her, and I wanted to believe EVERYTHING she said. With Dibbs, it's not so. I have trust, but I've figured out to keep my distance. When I start getting too attached I withdraw myself. Because I don't know where she stands besides our friendship, and I don't want to ruin that because it's important to me. Even if something was to come out of this, this friendship, this great personal relationship we have and are building would be that base on which it is built.

Again though, I'm just jumping the gun there. Although it's so true. If I ever want something real with someone, that's how it's going to have to be. I'm not a party person anymore, I don't want to spend endless nights getting effed up and regretting it the next 3 days. I want to start settling down, start a family, and get to living. After all, who knows just how long I do have left. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want exactly out of life, and even though I'm sure that I'm not going to get it to the T as to what I want, I hope that I'm able to at least kind of find something along those lines.

Anyhow, I'm just glad to have had this reawakening. The pessimist within me said that it will surely pass, but I can only hope that I can make the headway to keep myself afloat long enough so that when the waves of depression come back again, I can keep my head above water.

Marilyn Manson - Dope Hat

I don't know how he does it... But this cat in the hat is always making too much sense to me.

Hungry?

Sometimes the mind
it plays dirty tricks
and it makes it all seem
the color rose.
In the end
it's the same as blood
spilling from the veins
of the lost and obtuse
onto a pavement
aching to be fed.

Hello in Pixels

Pixels
tiny little squares
of color
black and white
all meant to paint a picture
to convey ideas and thoughts.
We type the letters in
with our finger tips
crunching at little keys
trying to convey
what our heart desires
what our mind wishes to say
and it only takes a second
for it to travel
twenty
thirty
forty
one thousand miles.
Tiny little pixels
squares of information
ones and zero's
all making their way
across an empty span
full of electric information
all meant for just you and I.
And when they arrive
these pixels
tidbits of information
form an image
on our communicator screens
meant to inform
to convey
and share
what would be
something which
we'd like to hear
but are only able to convey
on the information
super
highway.
"Hello."
In pixels.
If only one could see
the lips shape themselves
tongue against teeth and pallet
as they purse into a kiss
in the air
for the wind
to the ear
of a listener who awaits to hear
"Hello"
in pixels.

Sand Covered Sheets

I look into her eyes
and I see the world.
It's as subtle as a kiss
formed on the lips
impulsed by muscles
all over the body
to touch rose petals
that speak such gentle
words.
Soft skin
like dew covered foliage
against my fingers
it feels so sweet
she seems so tender
and tastes so bright.
I caress her body
and cannot lie
that I ache to be inside
every inch of her
and her in mine
under my skin
crawling slowly
through the veins
and the arteries
from the brain
into every muscle group
every crevice
chemical stains
dopamine
norepinephrine
all leave a trail behind
just from the feel
of her softest kiss
skin which like braille
I read carefully
with my fingertips.
And it says
"Hello."