Every time I'm with you, I am drunk, and so are you.

I still can't believe that YOU would listen to what some schmuck drugged out pill dealer would tell you, and let something that WE felt was so right, just slip right through our fingers.

So what if I told people how I felt? Did that really bother you that much? Seriously, it wasn't anything so bad, it was just me expressing my want and need for you, a true emotion that could have changed our worlds because you felt it too. I never went as far as to tell anyone anything specific. And when I was sad, lonely, and felt left out I shared those emotions as well because I needed some comfort. Certainly you weren't there.

Sad thing is, that I believe you wanted the same. For a moment at least, before all of the diatribes and all of your friends telling you what you should or shouldn't do.

I knew it, because you and I shared something that I haven't experienced in a long time. You know what I'm talking about, and you shouldn't deny it. Our thoughts commingled, don't you see?

What now? Well, besides trying to forget you, and trying to get myself re-situated, I've got nothing else going on. Meanwhile, you travel the world. Not that I envy you, but I do. Because it seems like it was so easy for you to just walk away from this, like it never meant anything. You even tell me that it was all made up, and that it never happened. Do you think I'm that stupid?

You said I was peddling shit, but I never did such a thing. If you remember (which I don't know if you can, but just in case you can) I never had money. Don't drug dealers have money? Don't they spend lavishly? Because my poor self certainly didn't. I was having a hard enough time trying to just survive. Yet your friend the jack of aces is selling hard core synthetic heroin to people. Yeah, and you were one of them. You think I'm blind? Deaf? Dumb? Well, I have brighter eyes than I let off, because I saw a lot more than you think I did.

For what it's worth, I tried to save you by showing what you were doing to yourself through me, although not to the extremes that you ACTUALLY go to. Didn't it suck? Yeah, well thats how your friends feel. How do you think people react when they know you are all pilled up, or shooting up in some dark room, forgetting everything, letting go of your own self in order to attain some peace when peace was right in front of you all along.

Of course I wondered if all those times you were good to me, nice to me, it was just you fucked up on some drug or another, not giving a damn about me but just seeking your instant gratification. And you had the gull to call me a Taker? You have got to be kidding me. I know all of these things now, and I wonder how you will feel about them a decade from now. Will your upper echelon jobs save you? Or will you still remember all of these sour memories like I do. Will your veins still welcome that needle, will your body still shake and ache without the alcohol. Will you ever realize you are cornering yourself?

Yeah, you know that night, before mothers day? Well, he kept twisting my words, turning them against me. He even said that his purpose was to get me out of the way so he could have you for himself. I'm not so selfish, and maybe that was my problem. So tell me, am I right about that? Didn't it just seem like he wanted me out of the picture? Didn't you feel pressured? Because I sure did.

I miss you. I do, because a friend and a lover like you doesn't come around very often, if at all. As they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. And I loved you. I hope you can understand what that means, and all of the emotions that it entailed from my part. If only we'd been patient. If only that Jack ass hadn't intervened.

Oh, my "ideal friendship," right, that was me trying to accommodate to you. Because I wanted to make you happy. Though now it seems like I never really could have. Since I didn't have money, or cocaine, or heroin, or Roxy's, or any of your tall tale emotional band aids you use to hide who you really are. If only you'd realized your true beauty, the amazing strength of spirit that you harbor within yourself. But no, you let HIM drown you out with drugs and alcohol, all meant to stunt your mind. And the few times I tried to open you up he stunted by selling you drugs and telling you that I was some fucktard, when you two should have been looking in the mirror all along so you could see what was truly wrong. I hope you are happy, I hope you enjoy your life "helping others" while you destroy yourself and make your body a wasteland. Do you know why you didn't get pregnant? Because your body was too toxic to give any life. And if you had, last thing I would have wanted was a child born not just addicted to all of your pills, but also with fetal alcohol syndrome.


"What the hell else are we supposed to do?." - Sparklehorse - Every Time I'm With You.

Tracking thoughts lost

sleepless mornings
spent away
dribbling on about
without a thought in mind
except the deceit
the lies
of human kind



why must we be
so cruel to one another
all along
we just wanted peace
we just wanted to let go
to be free from all of this



it's hard to appreciate
the things that you have
when you've got so many
it's easy to forget
how important they are
until they are gone
and you can't quite
feel the breeze



It all seems
like a well built facade
from his part
into her heart
from a night
when nothing should
and could be
brought forward



because he wanted me out
of the way
so he could bring her about
to his way
all along all I wanted was
to sleep in
but I could never get
myself to sleep
knowing his lies
brewed so deep



so who do you trust?
the one who feeds you poison?
or the one who tries to wake you up?
and do you even know
who plays what part?



being the judge
you made your choice clear
giver her some more opium
her mind is not at ease



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Something submitted to an internet radio stations' web site.

CAUTION!!!! STRONG LANGUAGE IS USED IN THIS POST. IT'S MOSTLY FOR SENTIMENT. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, THOUGH IT IS RECOMMENDED IF YOU WISH TO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE SOCIETY YOU CURRENTLY PRESIDE IN.




                I’ve been battling how to go about doing this, but whatever, here it goes. PILL HEADS ARE FUCKING STUPID! Ok. There, that seems pretty simple, something they might understand and maybe enough to jargon the memory of the numb to the following:

                All around there is a huge problem with pills. It’s not so much the people, as much as it is the companies who are pushing out these extremely addictive meds in huge numbers, cashing in from every single addict out on the streets who is using it up their nose, on some tin foil, or in their veins. Now hear me out, and pay close attention, and think about this with an open mind. If you are reading this and are one of those people, you need help. If you don’t do something about it, you are just going to rot away. As they say, “you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” I definitely mean Check into a rehab facility.

                This doesn’t just happen with individuals who are on the streets, heavens no. Those people are smoking crack, or injecting heroin, doing “dirty drugs.” It’s the upper echelons of our society that have taken the mentality of “because a doctor can prescribe it, then it’s good for me;” it is a “clean drug” and not a problem. RiiiiiiiGHT. Unfortunately it is the addictive nature of these prescription drugs that gets people stuck in its clutches, those who often are either trying to get rid of pain, or find them arbitrarily in their lives through others they know, become victims to this EPIDEMIC. Either way, it is something that destroys just like any other addiction one may encounter. So be careful.

                In the recent years I have lost more than a handful of individuals to the pharmaceutical companies, it’s just that I wish I could say that it’s because they landed an awesome job or went out to become superstars. Sadly, be it through death or just having to cut myself off from them, I have found that some just drift away ridding on their modern day dragon into the clouds of their high, not having one care in the world. Because the high they chase is more important than their own welfare, that of their family, or anyone around. Some will do what it takes to keep their supply and buyers going, anything at all, like set someone up, rob, steal, and lie amongst other wrathfully deceitful things. Such is the price people pay for drugs, in particular OPIATES.

                So why put this on Bitch Slap Radio? BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE! Because I’m fucking tired of having people around me who I care for loose themselves in something that is just so fucking obscene and life draining. I mean, HAVE YOU LOOKED AT YOURSELVES LATELY? Is it normal for people to look like skeletons, sunken eyes, chapped lips, empty looks and nodding heads? NO! What the fuck are you thinking? Do you seriously believe that what you are doing to yourselves is OK? Do me a fucking favor, and just stop breeding. Let YOU be the last of this fucked up line. Besides, who would take care of your children anyhow? Those who are pill heads can barely stay awake and forget what they are talking about in the moment as they are saying it, what they said to you in the past including promises and just conversation in general, they become COMPLETELY UNRELIABLE! Just not worth having around. PERIOD. It’s sad that most of these people are actually worthwhile individuals who have lost themselves into the void. Sweet dreams, dreamers.

Sincerely,

One Pissed off who_leo

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