I Am Forgotten Emotions.

A sacrifice in the park

to the pigs with their guns

searching boys in the dark, I beg forgiveness for you—

you are sent home;

meanwhile, I am jailed over and over,

spending a night of Police harassment with a head full of acid,

each time you slide your access card

to the places where you

wouldn’t be allowed in otherwise.

I am your forgotten emotions.

Now you, that first lover,

I am the pain in your heart—

those scars left behind from a series of kisses,

a gentle touch, the words I love you are

over and over, carved inside its walls

reminding you of the sacrifice we made

in order to keep your youthful allowances,

each day I wonder, was it worth it?

I am our forgotten emotions.

I carry the numb places in your memory

where once shone the abscesses of childhood trauma

which removed and dissected for you

keeping you sane through hell and back,

are then swallowed and absorbed in this psychic

vessel, burrowed to purify deep inside.

I am your forgotten emotions, watch them as we bloom.

I’m here to remind you,

you, the one with the pedigree,

that I remember how you walked up to the bar

during our friends birthday party, you were dressed

like the beautiful whore we all know you are,

flirted with me, then said “Gosh, I’m mean!” giggling to yourself,

walking away laughing, I was a joke to you,

but I never laughed—

when your story was something to listen to,

when my shoulder was all I had to offer you,

and your broken heart was all I meant to mend.

I am your forgotten emultion.

I am the nexus of abhorrence, your loathing,

something to talk about over a beer—

another one of the horrible people,

keeping your friendships glued together,

kindling for your hatred,

when you can’t talk shit about one another

in fear that in turn each will know the truth,

you, with the faces like revolving doors.

This is for you.

To each and every one of you—

I am the louse in the corner,

the weirdo in black,

the one you’ve all turned to when no one would listen!

Look here, don’t advert your eyes,

I am here to remind you

that once your emotions were real,

not make believe, nor shadows of their former selves.

I am the luxury of forgetting

passed around a table

full of empty rotating faces

all stuck drinking from bottomless places.

but now I am no more for you or any of them,

you’ll have to face the truth of each other,

Adieu.

Conversation With a Recovering Sex Worker

"They all have a prize" she said,
"Each woman out there is willing,
has, probably is at this very moment,
selling herself for something.
Some do it for love, others for money,
there are those who do it for need
be it food drink or drug,
others just like the way it feels
to have a cock inside of them
that loveless embrace and meaningless fuck,
with some cash thrown on top
anything is good enough for them to cum."

She sips her coffee,
lights another cigarette
and as she looks down
cup in one hand resting on the table
bitting her pinky finger
then taking a big drag of smoke
and as she exhales she says

"But all of those women,
especially those who do it
for money or for drugs,
will have to fuck guys who are just dirty,
their cocks unwashed for days
with that white smegma shit on them
and who knows what else!
That rancid sweaty smell–
some stinking of garbage
others just violent assholes. You know,
the moment they close that door
those women are slaves to those men,
sex slaves. They've sold themselves
for twenty thousand pesos, their freedom
for one hour, they belong to them."

She takes another drag from her smoke,
her voice is shaky, her grip on the glass is tight.

"Those men are the kind of people
who'll do all sorts of perverted things,
especially to a young woman,
they like to see a pretty face wince in pain,
a pleasurable agony."

She looks towards the green mountains,
past the city skyline, past the busy and working city
as a serene air comes through the large windows

"I stopped doing that a long time ago,
sure I have my price, but it isn't some thing
just anyone can pay for. I gotta like you,
you've got to buy me dinner,
take me out dancing, show me
a good time around town.
Then, when we are back at your place,
then, and only after we've met MY
expectations, then you can ravage me,
or I you. Well, not you you, but
you know what I mean, don't you darling?"

She snuffs her cigarette.

Kochira wa Geinin.

we all play parts in the greatest play
parts we often choose
but more often than not
just happen to fall into.
it's not so easy to walk away
to pretend we never wanted them
being a savior
a lover
a simple person
or even that one to take care of you
because sometimes we need to be
in charge of something
even if it's just playing our part right.
congregations of actors
all meet on the stage
and life begins a new
each and every day
listen closely
and sometimes you can catch
the slip of a line here and there
not every play is perfect
but when it is some call it fate.
I tried to play a part once or twice
but my co-stars never seem to get it right
flawed that I am
it must rub off on them
or at least it seems to.
I will never know the truth of the matter
for they are elsewhere now
on another chapter
reading another line
to someone who is playing a part
willing to be that one
who makes believe
without missing a beat
on the stage of life.

Hungry?

Sometimes the mind
it plays dirty tricks
and it makes it all seem
the color rose.
In the end
it's the same as blood
spilling from the veins
of the lost and obtuse
onto a pavement
aching to be fed.

When you can't think about what to say, music will speak for you.

Lily Allen - Fuck You!
For you, because you know who you are.

Marilyn Manson is still teaching me 20 years later.

I wish I hadn't strayed from my roots. All the hippie dippie shit is all cool and all, but honestly it's kind of empty, and not all the people are as nice as you'd like to believe. At least with goth and metal people aren't pretending to be something they are not, if they like you or not they will let you know. Besides, life is about ups and downs, not about peace and love all the time, that is a Utopian dream which will only stifle the growth from this cradle, the escape from these cages of social stigma and dogma. For those of you who knew me in the last 4 years, that part of me has been lied to, used, and treated like a slave. I'm done being nice, available, and loving all the time. It's about time fuckers earned the respect, love, and admiration I once gave so freely to all.

Rainbow and Occupy Wall Street

One of the best things about Occupy Wall Street is seeing how a mass of random individuals can work together. I have seen it in smaller scale, at local Rainbow Gatherings (Occala, Fl.). This being some of the best times I ever spent anywhere, just being part of a small community even if for a few days. So far I've read of free kitchens, the "mic check" is something I ran into at Rainbow as well, and nick@nite is most definitely from Rainbow. I'm sure that there are other things which I haven't seen, but it's nice to know that there are fellow Children of the Rainbow out there doing what needs to be done to get things kick started. Rainbow will keep things going as long as everyone else is up to it. We are wise on keeping an area with clean water, food, and cigarettes. This is truly what is done by Rainbow.

I wonder if there is an A camp as well. LOLOLOLOL!

Either way, a lot of the behaviors observed from the videos alone give light that the children of light have their hands in this cookie jar, I just hope they washed them first (LOL Loving You!).

Momentary Lapse of Reason

Do you have to be happy to write something about happiness? As a writer I should be able to, but without it in my life I am unable to conjure exactly what it is. Some things come easy, because you see it in movies and read about it in the newspapers and books. Something like happiness though, it is quite hard to discern just what is true happiness for the self, unless it's in front of your face. Happiness has become one of the hardest things to find, not because of lack of trying, but rather indignant behaviors that devour the self disallowing the continuance of happiness found, drowning it out without giving it a fair chance. This is what I'm afraid of. That the cycle will continue, though knowing about these sort of things should help me become more aware of what I'm doing and how to not be so hard on myself as well as others. Happiness. How am I supposed to write about it if all I keep learning about is brokenhearted truths.

It's just the way life is I guess.

Voting - another weekly rant for B.S.R.

What is it with people not voting, then starting to bark up a storm once the government does something that we don't like? Well, if you haven't voted, you can just shut your pretty little mouths up, and bite the bullet. Without a voice, you are nothing, and voting is your voice when it comes to how this country works. Recently we just had California totally pass on the 100% legalization of Marijuana via Prop 19. REALLY? We've been trying to rectify this mistake for almost a century now (give or take a few decades), but to no avail. Then, when it ends up in the ballots it's not passed. Why? Because there is a bunch of pusillanimous individuals who like to woof at the chance of discussion, but when it comes down to it they aren't prepared to rise up to the occasion in order to enact change.

You know who you are, you non conformists, anti government types. Sure, there is a lot of stupid shit going on in our country, why not fix it? Why not get off your lazy ass and go do something about it. Bitch bitch bitch... and no action. "We want to bring the government down! ANARCHY FOREVER!" You are idiots. Do you really think that will happen? We are in too deep to just give up. Sure, we need Change as the Obama administration said, but it's not possible if you expect for it to happen out of the blue. You all need to go to the polls, write to your congressman, go visit your local government places and tell them what you think. You will be amazed at the responses you get, as most of them actually want to hear what you have to say, after all you are the voters that put them there.

Do you understand?

Now, the question of massive corruption comes up. Yes, it is there and it is rampant. Much the way that a government official takes the money from the peoples hands in order to buy themselves a new yacht so does the health aid worker in a 3rd world country use their connections at work in order to get their hands on hard prescription drugs that are unavailable to them state side. This is truth, and it is something that you should know. Best thing we can do about it is study the past of those people who we wish to put in office, and make an informed decision. It's not about who has the most posters (you fucking litterbugs), or who has the best commercials, it's about their career decisions and what they have voted on in the past. Sure, it takes some homework that your lazy asses don't want to do, but isn't the future and well fare of our country, our children, it's most certainly worth the hour plus that it might take to research these things online.

So I don't want to hear people bitch, especially those who chose not to vote because their vote "didn't matter." You are just letting the elite make all the decisions by doing this, the old timers, the people who although are full of very important and worthwhile information, are out dated and not with the times. Our generations, the young un's, we know what is up and what is going down. If only we could pay more attention to real news, not the crap that is shoveled on national television, and what our government is doing, WE WOULD BE THE CHANGE IN THE WORLD THAT IS NEEDED.

So don't listen to your friends who say "voting is stupid, why even bother..." Well, how is the government supposed to know that we aren't happy if we don't show it to them the only way that they know how to listen, through our vote. Sure, we can go march, and it helps... but without the votes, it is pointless. We fought to give blacks and women the right to vote, it is that important. Wont you make your own informed decisions and show them that we care not just about ourselves but each other. After all, we are in this together. Your anarcho dimwit friends aren't really out to help you or the rest of the people, neither are most of the people in government, and that is why we must voice our opinions, not shut up and talk in dark rooms about possibilities and should have beens. The time for change is here, and it is now. I just hope next time more people get to the ballots and make the right decisions, not just for themselves, but for the rest of their brethren.

Your's truly,
who_leo
aka Fat-J