Staying in bed, you sleepless insomniac.

One thing I never miss about depression is the complete and utter feeling of hopelessness attached to every facet of life. I know I must get over it, just thread through it. For some reason though, my brain keeps saying fuck all, just stay in bed, the day is going to suck and there is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

Luckily I'm a stubborn asshole, otherwise I would have stayed in bed today, and tomorrow, yesterday, all of my existence. Fuck you brain, you suck with your "feelings" and emotional baggage that always seems to pop open during these times. Next question is, just how long will this feeling last this time?

Excuses are cheap

I'm achy but feeling a lot better. I am reminded of something someone once said to me:

"what i meant by saying you need to be more of an asshole, is that you are already too lovable, floating along, so you, like me, are a bit of a doormat. people take advantage, and we both think people have good intentions. when in the end, it is not the case, so by standing up, saying no sometimes, putting your foot down, thats what i mean by being more of an asshole. kinda being facetious, cos it seems that only assholes and douchebags, those that unfairly compete for life's resources, are the ones that make it. hence, if we become more like assholes, maybe we will run amok and can start driving hummers and make soap outta our lipo and tit jobs." - Anon

How right they were. I am sometimes lost in so many thoughts that I forget about this, and this is the most important part of it all. Damn it, I hate it when you are right.

On involuntary addiction...

Coming off of opiates sucks. I feel tense, I've got a head ache, I feel depressed as shit, antsy, I keep sweating bullets randomly, and to top it off it makes me look like total shit. I've got bags under my eyes, and I get random shakes. It's just shitty. I moos def know why people get hooked to the shit, because it makes everything and anything bearable, I could hate myself to no end and still feel wonderful. No wonder so many people loose themselves to this, and loose so much sleep. The worst part of it all is the nightmares. I keep having them every night and they are not very nice. Heres to another day, another fight.

Letters from Dumbo

I don't want to say or write anything because I don't want to give you the pleasure of knowing that I feel like complete shit. Not because of anything in particular. I just do. My whole situation is a bit much to handle for me alone, and the only thing that I can hope to do one day is to lay in a wooden box where I wont bother anyone anymore. Ultimately, this is golden for me. My pain, physical and emotional will all go away, to not bother me or anyone else. Wouldn't this be grand?

I think so.

I'm sad because I thought that I would do something amazing, or at least be part of something grand. Now, I'm just as good as dead. I've wasted my life with useless satisfaction. Turned my own self into the worst enemy I've ever had. Oh, and how I pay for it. Maybe this will even raise a smile from your lips.

These cats are the only ones who love me unconditionally, and that kills me inside. Knowing I had you once, and now you are gone to never be seen or experienced by me again. You, the woman of a thousand faces, with a million smiles and three thousand reasons to stay away from me. If only I had known better than to get anywhere near you, at least it'd only be me who I'd hurt and blaspheme against. Still it wouldn't change the fact of what I deserve.

Truth, so simple and beautiful... cuts so deep, bruises that wont heal

When you deal in truth, you are dealing with something that a lot of people do not want to hear, or experience for that matter. Most importantly, people who aren't familiar with truth will often recoil and turn away. Why? Well, it's like sun to vampires, or silver to werewolves... Truth simply hurts them. It can also backfire, and this is something that one must be prepared for as well. Solace must remain with you, oh truth bringer, and that's the fact that truth will prevail. Through all of the muck and lies that people try to feed you, the truth you will know as is, and nothing more for there are no facades in truth only faces, no personas just people. Having prepared myself for this, I know that there are those who already know me as someone who speaks truth, and is not afraid to do so. To those people I say, you will fail miserably at the hands of your own demons, the lies you've so carefully built up for yourselves will crumble and drown you in the end. Nothing good ever comes from being a liar, not in the long run anyhow, certainly I hope your instant gratification was good enough for the karmic repercussion you've brought upon yourselves.

So I dare say, and this I mean to one specific person, one man whose lies lay beyond anything I care to comprehend. You have been marked, and your lies will follow you forever, until you finally find rest in your cold grave.

My thoughts on Digital Suicide

I ran into a suicide machine:

http://suicidemachine.org/


I'm thinking about using it.

I mean, what would it mean to just cut off my FB, right? Who would mind. Besides the fact I get some readers from there, that wouldn't be that big of a loss. The people I do talk to, I do so in person, phone, or e-mail. FB is more of a game than anything. I'm seriously concidering it. My friend told me about it, and I said to him that we ought to make a FB suicide club, where a bunch of us just off our FB. Might not get that big of numbers though, whatever. I would miss the off shoot contact I have with some family that lives over seas. Otherwise... I would do it right now.

Besides, people take that stupid networking site way too seriously. If people can get upset over FB, then as a whole we aren't mature enough to use something like that. I think loosing all that baggage would be a welcome relief.