Kochira wa Geinin.

we all play parts in the greatest play
parts we often choose
but more often than not
just happen to fall into.
it's not so easy to walk away
to pretend we never wanted them
being a savior
a lover
a simple person
or even that one to take care of you
because sometimes we need to be
in charge of something
even if it's just playing our part right.
congregations of actors
all meet on the stage
and life begins a new
each and every day
listen closely
and sometimes you can catch
the slip of a line here and there
not every play is perfect
but when it is some call it fate.
I tried to play a part once or twice
but my co-stars never seem to get it right
flawed that I am
it must rub off on them
or at least it seems to.
I will never know the truth of the matter
for they are elsewhere now
on another chapter
reading another line
to someone who is playing a part
willing to be that one
who makes believe
without missing a beat
on the stage of life.

Sometimes I can hardly help it

Would you chastise me
if I said I missed you
wished that your scent
still lingered on my clothes
that your kisses I still felt
upon my cheek
and soft caress upon my lips
it is true
and I do.

Internet bares fruit of knowledge

I wish I had seen this earlier in my life.

Kindred Spirits

There is little else left but friendship
be it that of individuals once thought lost,
to the ones who have all but forgotten.
Keeping it simple helps a great deal,
not letting life get too complicated
will make all the difference one day.
It's like a standing body of water
once you dam the whole thing to hell
it will rot and fester
without being able to flow freely.

As the years go by nothing much seems to change
but the expressions on the faces of my generation.
A certain pull from gravity which brings down
even the brightest and widest of smiles
into a visible frown, those poor clowns.
These years which lay so heavy on our faces
only bring sorrow in the knowledge
that we'll never see them again.
Inside we are jealous of our younger counterparts
because it is their tomorrow we want so bad.

So bad we'll do what it takes to make sure they remember us.
Dead flesh still clinging to bone with nothing left
except for a name tag poorly attached to our emotions,
the only raw thing which we've kept downplaying for so long.
It is they who will ultimately destroy us
if we aren't knowledgeable of their humble begin.
If we are fools and don't heath to the demands
of a foolish heart every once in a while.
Because to live is to love is to live to love,
or something like that.

Kindred spirits will always say hello to one another
even when the two people don't know who the other is,
there are some things only time will tell.
Let the waters flow freely and carve the terrain
it is better to bring on change that to stifle the self.

Ssica's year

It was just a year ago, that she walked into my life and left just as easily. Ssica, how I wonder if your real name is Jessica, and if you remember me as I remember you. Chances are no, and no. But whatever, it still doesn't change the fact that I had an amazing experience, and learned a very real life lesson because of you.

I thank you, wherever you may be.

Maybe one day, we will bump into each other. We may not know who the other is, but something tells me that somewhere deep inside we'll recognize something about one another, and we'll end up talking. One never knows, and hope although empty, is all one can have in such situations. Life may have been very different with you around. I could have not met Sour Girl, or K, and life would have been swell. I could have lived a happier life without knowing either of them, not so much K, but most def Sour Girl. I can honestly say that I've also learned a lot through her, most definitely not as much from as through, and for that I'm thankful.

This last year has been a roller coaster, something that was so simple and quick turned into a monster of catastrophic proportions, best part is dealing with it mostly alone. Mom's is there, but she's not. The one shoulder I looked to lean on, turned out to be a heroin whore, more than just once too. Man, what a weird year. Either way, I'm glad it all went down, I really am. Because I know.

I still have that glass bead, and I carry it everywhere with me. I don't know why, it's kind of silly, I know... but it's something I look at every once in a while and I know that no matter what, life will always hold little surprises for you. I'll see you when I see you, in real life, or in my dreams. Stay beautiful.

who

I will always love you, stranger.

Post 100

Today I woke up with a hang over.
Yesterday I swore in the American flag.
Earlier in the week a minister asked me to take out the trash.
A few months ago I realized I wasn't alone.
Over 6 months ago I felt one of the greatest let downs ever.
7 Months ago I was part of an amazing music festival, Orange Blossom Jamboree.
9 Months ago I was in Love.
10 Months ago I started to fall for someone I found extremely amazing.
11 Months ago I was with someone who didn't want to be with me, but didn't mind fucking.
12 Months ago I met Ssica, and in one night she changed my world, never to be seen again.

It's all been a crazy ride on this blog so far. When I left Myspace I had about 9,000 views, and averaged about 30 viewers a month. Sadly this was over the span of about 8 years, and my writing then wasn't even formed, twas just blocks of text of me bitching about something or other. This time around (must be the different medium) I'm averaging about 100 viewers a month, and since September 9th, over 500 people have come to visit and read what is within these pages.

Thank you.

Heres to hundreds of more posts, to more deliberate explosions of emotion, and the exploration of the human spirit. To Marie, and all of the people who inspire me to seek truth in the world. I really do love ya!

who_leo

Life and Death

I had a thought today:


As a hopeless romantic, when I die it will be much like the way I came into this world.

At night.

Alone.

All due to a series of unfortunate events, stemming from a womans love.


And it's alright.

Complicated

Her curly hair washed over her face casting the silhouette of her nose, a cute angle to say the least. A smile tainted by the drugs and other chemicals that her friends liked to feed her would often slip into our conversations, as an array of ideas we exposed slowly came to light, all in the darkness of the back seat of the car. Cuddled up next to each other, feeling the resonance of the others voice deep within, the conversation lingered on. Sometime during the night, the rain began to fall. Clink Clank on the steel rooftop, it made little difference to the two. Eyes melting into each other, it was aviation of the mind. Lips often do such beautiful things, spelling out words of awe and wonder for the eye to see and an ear to listen, all meanwhile they speak their own language as they swell and redden with the pulsing of their hearts. Another night, spent awake and without sleep. It's ok though, they'll have all the time to rest when they are dead. For now, it is this time, the few moments they have with one another in a car, a bar, or some darkened room that matter. It is theirs to hold and enjoy. Time slips by, and without a second notice those they care for have moved on. It is now, here, that their insatiable thirst for one another is temporarily quenched. For the few minutes they spend makes up for a lifetime without the other.

If only she had seen it the same way. If only the drugs hadn't rotted her mind away. Would it even matter now? Time clears all, sometimes even memories. Emotions are washed away from hearts by the tides of experience, just the same our faces become older and weathered, wrinkles in time.

What would you say now?

Their smiles light up the world for them, somehow they know that there is hope left after meeting one another. These short moments meant the whole world once, thought now they are only kept in tiny crevices, it is theirs to cherish for as long as they allow themselves to remember that it was true, and nothing will ever change that.

Letters from Dumbo

I don't want to say or write anything because I don't want to give you the pleasure of knowing that I feel like complete shit. Not because of anything in particular. I just do. My whole situation is a bit much to handle for me alone, and the only thing that I can hope to do one day is to lay in a wooden box where I wont bother anyone anymore. Ultimately, this is golden for me. My pain, physical and emotional will all go away, to not bother me or anyone else. Wouldn't this be grand?

I think so.

I'm sad because I thought that I would do something amazing, or at least be part of something grand. Now, I'm just as good as dead. I've wasted my life with useless satisfaction. Turned my own self into the worst enemy I've ever had. Oh, and how I pay for it. Maybe this will even raise a smile from your lips.

These cats are the only ones who love me unconditionally, and that kills me inside. Knowing I had you once, and now you are gone to never be seen or experienced by me again. You, the woman of a thousand faces, with a million smiles and three thousand reasons to stay away from me. If only I had known better than to get anywhere near you, at least it'd only be me who I'd hurt and blaspheme against. Still it wouldn't change the fact of what I deserve.

Johny Cash - We'll Meet Again

I heard this, just fell in love again. LOLz Don't know where, don't know when. But I know it will happen again.

Never say Never I guess. Life takes us down some strange paths.

Ssica and Sour Girl

Going through this blog one may find tags of sour girl and ssica. These were two people who you may know or may have met at one point in time, whom when I met, shone a light upon my life that will be hard to forget. Ssica, a random hippie girl I met outside of NYE Phish in Miami '09 who I have come to terms with that I will never see again, and Sour Girl is one of two humanitarian workers met just around the same time as Ssica, of whom I mistakenly fell in love with when all she wanted was some peace, quiet, and fun. Sadly, such is life. These women are two forces that drive my writing at the moment, and probably will for a minute. It's hard to put a lot of these things down, and sharing them is even crazier in some sense. Though it helps me heal, and it helps me remember for future note of what humanity is, and what it is capable of. So I thought I'd just write this down to remind myself, and inform others. Also, sour girl has dissipated from my life in such a way that I may never see her again. The world can be too sweet without her around to help me remember. Miss you, you freak.

Desperately Seeking Ssica

It all started simply enough. We just wanted to have a good time. By the thousands people gathered at the Miami American Airlines Arena and the lots around it. December 31 was upon us all, and we had nothing better to do but to party. Like a good lot soldier, I had my fill of mushrooms and alcohol by the time I headed towards the gate. There, I was given an extra ticket to miracle away. Thats when I first saw her. She was sitting with 3 of her friends, she jumped out at me especially, because of her dreads and eyes, a gleaming blue hue that glistens in my vision even now. She didn't want the ticket, she'd just gotten hers. I went on to give the ticket away, and on my way back I was greeted by affectionate hugs and kisses from her.

Fast Forward

I'm standing in the hallway of the busy arena with my friend who has just been accosted by someone trying to steal his ticket. Luckily, the situation was easily thwarted, and fists did not need to be thrown. I'm dancing to the sounds of the band as they make their way through out the building, everyone has a special step to their swagger tonight. I see her out of the corner of my eye, she moves to my moves. She sneaks up and kisses me again. Her lips try a second time, I hold back hoping she'll return for more.

Fast Forward

Walking through the hallways of the American Airlines Arena edifice, one feels tiny. With the hundreds of people who are making their way around it's not hard to get lost in the rumble of humanity. I make my way out to the patio with my friends wife. I bum a few cigarettes while we chat with some people. She goes back to the show, I continue on. I head to the larger pavilion where I run into a fellow dred head. There we continue our conversation from the last festival I saw him at. The band is doing well, all the kids are happy. I head back in to see more of the show.

Fast Forward

After my friend and his wife had left, my compadre Pablo Stevens and I made our way outside. Now who should be standing there but this same hippie girl. We flirt back and forth, I am hindered in thought by the boomers as well as the creep who has been hanging around her for a while. She is from Ohio, Cincinnati. Her name is "Ssica." She has 3 older brothers, who (from what she tells me) are more than aware of the life of tour. Her feet are dirty, but in a cute way. Her smile glistens as her new toothbrush falls from her bag, and the saucers in her eyes stare deep into my own. She is staring into my soul. I feel her penetrate my psychic barrier, if there ever was one, and I feel heavy hearted. In a fit of pure insanity I decide to leave.

I say good bye, and turn around. I think to myself how much I wanted a real kiss from her all along. I walk back to her, and lightly tap her on the shoulder. Ssica... She stares into my eyes again for what feels like an eternity, I lock my lips with hers. A squirming coil, lustful wonder kiss.

Fast Forward

I am in the truck, we are driving past her. I yell at her to go to the pets show. She yells at me telling me to go to the beach. I ask which one, she responds "All of them!"

Fast Rewind

It's before the Phish NYE show. Pablo and I are sitting on the tailgate and there is this dirty hippie guy with a weird rock thing, he says it takes the masses of chaotic energy, and reorganizes it into something workable. I grab it, and make a wish... I wish i could meet her, the one. My Hippie Girl.

Fast Forward

It's the day of STS9, she said she'd be here. I arrive early at the lot. It's always interesting to see the people who frequent these shows. I'm hoping to run into Ssica.

Fast Rewind

It's the 1st, I'm in the car with Steve and Darren from Particle. Sammy had me pick them up from their hotel. They seem tired and worn out. The weeks festivities seem to have taken their toll.

Fast Rewind

She tells me to go to the Particle show with her that night. I told her I couldn't, my ride was leaving.

Fast Forward

I'm talking to Steve about Ssica, and how odd the whole thing has been. He agrees that it is a strange occurrence indeed.

Fast Forward

I'm sitting in a full lot, there are hippies everywhere. Tanks are going off in the distance, and although it's been 5 hours, I'm still waiting for Ssica to show up. I run into many a friendly faces in the meantime, so it's ok. I feel like I get ripped off by a hippie momma who is just throwing some game in the lot. I still eat the tab, but I'm doubtful. It's not till later that I realize it's real.

Fast Forward

I'm standing in a dark hallway halfway through my treck into the venue of the STS9 show. My friend from the inside has come through. I make it into the show unscathed by security, who I fly a peace sign to as I pass by. My search continues once inside. No sign of her. I end up in the upstairs lounge area having a drink. Sitting down and having a smoke, a thought of her eyes, that blue ocean of majestic and infinite possibilities comes to mind. The way she smiled so freely, and flowed with the music. A Goddess, a Lover, a Kindred Spirit.

I am walking through, when someone approaches me and asks for a light. I can't help but oblige, and spark conversation. Justin as it turns out, shared my hopeless romantic ideals. He was also here in search of a girl.

Although we both were here for the same reason, let it be known that we both had very different situations though much the same. Although I was certain I had Ssicas heart, I was not sure if I could ever find her in person. When Justin had his girl in front of him, it was uncertain from his part whether or not he had her heart. He brought her across state lines, hoping that this would be the spark that they needed. Here I was, at the STS9 show Ssica said she'd be at, looking for her, hoping this is the catalyst that would initiate a change upon themselves just the same.

Fast Forward

I'm walking down the sidewalk, screaming Ssica at the top of my lungs. The alcohol and acid have taken the best of me, senses and emotions are intermingled in a cluster fuck from hell. What am I to do? I couldn't find her. I was sure she'd be here. The world is warping too fast for time to make sense. I find myself wondering through the streets and flow of the crowd. Voices intermingle, warbles of words and snorting mixed in with a hiss and coughs from the smokers. A cop is walking behind me. I catch him out of the corner of my eye as he is riding on my shadow, hoping the hippies wont notice them. I instinctively call out 6-up.

Fast Forward

He is leaning on a tree. Just getting bailed out of Dade County Jail, he seems somber as can be. It's just getting to me, he says. It's finally catching up to me, I can't believe that all of this shit happened, it's just too real... does anyone have any Ketamine? I'll take some Ketamine right fucking now. He slumps further into himself, lost in his own emptiness realizing he is helpless. Nothing can help him now, it's time to wake up and smell the roses.

Fast Forward

I type the following into my blackberry during The Heavy Pets STS9 after show:

Love, it will make you do the darnest things. Travel to the end of the world, Lands untouched by thought graced with a mere vision. Of the life, the love. here i sit, after looking all night for her, seeking Ssica. Nowhere to be found. I had to give it one try. One fucking try. It is not without a battle that I will go down. I walked these lots, in search of something so pure, so unrelenting, that nothing could stop me. Although I sit here, lost in the haze of the evening, I am aware that the unattainable can be reached. I had it, held against my lips, in a truest form of lust and wonder. Her lips. i wanted nothing but to hold her hand one more time. One kiss, one nod. She is now lost to the wilderness of the world. I am aware, yet unaware of the true reach and grasp of this IDEA. I am a lover, forever lost within the land of wondering souls. Will I ever find her? My Goddess? Where are you? Embodied in a thousand and one forms, within the minds of us all. 

I love you.

Fast Rewind

Like in the song Simple by Phish "What is a band without skyscrapers?" You know? Justin says. Like, you are the skyscraper, and you are reaching up above, beyond the normal bounds of reality. We are the skyscrapers.

Fast Forward

I'm sitting at the beach. I drove to Atlantic and A1A, parked my car, and waited for the sun to come up. There, I thought about what she'd said, about going to the beaches. It had been a while, I only live 20 minutes from it. What could her name be... Her real name... I wondered and wondered, until it came to me. Ssica is short for Jessica.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Where are you? I can't believe I lost youblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah There was a time I would have cared, bit's and pieces make my memory rattle. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Can I even remember what you look like? I think I'd know if I saw you again face to face, we'd both know. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah So much white noise in my head. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Although some laugh and scorn at this, sometimes things happen for a reason. Even a godless man such as myself can see this chaos envelop people in quantum anomalys often brought together with a common goal. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah The noise makes my head ache... The noise makes my back ache... The noise... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Theres death, rampant, everywhere... all I can say is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah like a rattling fresh body added to the total weight amount makes up a fresh kill count like none they had seen. Words like bullets penetrated his dura matter and killed on contact. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Theres nothing that would matter much, I mean, who cares, I can just do what I want. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Love.

Lost Thoughts on a Friday Night

She sits at a bar, in Cincinnati. Her loose dreds hang down with a gray bandanna keeping them from her face. Her soft fingers reach down to grab her cold dark beer.The lines of her curves are outlined by the light bouncing off the bar. A silhouette to those who pass her by. She plays with a glass bead, brown and round. It's all she has.

He sits at his friends house in Fort Lauderdale. His dreds are up behind his head, keeping them out of his face. His beer is cold, and sitting next to him, his large hands crush the can. He just painted a couple of lizards, and is enjoying beer with friends. He is holding a glass bead in his hand, clear and with white stripes. It's all he has.

One kiss, one illicit moment in time. Shared at the eve of the new year. Permanently burned into their memories. This is all they have left, a kiss, a bead. Miles away from each other, they know that it is something they may never find. Or will they? Time will only tell.

My lust for you

            There is something about the way she moved from one place to another, her body shifting seamlessly through space. I wanted to hold her, whisper sweet words close to her ear. That day though, the General stands before me, telling me what to do, and who to talk to. I am not afraid of him anymore.

            Such a tricky thing, trying to get a note across to her. It took 4 days for me to find someone who was going to the other side of the base. We weren't allowed to see one another, for it was declared wrong by them, and so we were separated. We needed one another so bad though, it showed every time we met.

            A few days later I finally received word from her. A luster came off the lipstick she had used to kiss the note. I touched it lightly with my fingers, feeling her lips vicariously through this piece of paper. It smelled of her perfume, with her neat hand writing and lovely hand drawn letterhead of a red blooming rose. Above all was the astute manner through which she sent the note. I thanked her messengers with a cup of sugar. They were more than happy.

            To think this letter had gone to 3 other camps before reaching him. All from just about a mile away.

            "I want to see you. It's been far too long, and all I want is for you to hold me in your arms. I miss the scent of your body, the warmth of your soul. Please, meet me at the water maintenance station in 3 days time from the next drill."

            Her note went on to speak about her times in the barracks, the lack of food and how hard they were being worked. It wasn't for another 6 days that the alarm went off. Surely another drill. I took this opportunity and sneaked past the out houses, then in between the men's barracks, where I could see two men holding each other inside. Any time to be alone is as good as any, I guess.

            When I finally made it to the water treating station I went past the massive holding tanks, through a small corridor that was formed in between them, then onto the courtyard located at the center. As I walked out, the sun shone onto my eyes, slightly blinding me. The green grass waved with the winds gentle touch, a cool breeze that came down upon me cooled my skin, I could feel her in the air. There was a bench in the middle, I could see her sitting there. Blue sweater, jeans, and her blond hair. It's all I could see from behind, but I could recognize her anywhere, especially her scent.

            As I approached her, there was a warm stinging sensation in the middle of my back. Suddenly, my shirt started to turn a ruby red. My hands are trembling, it feels like I'm drowning. It hurts to breathe, my mind is loosing focus. Falling forward to the ground, I see her turn around. She doesn't know.

            "GO!" I try to belch out. It is too late though, she is already running towards me. I can't say anything, the pain makes me pass out. But my thoughts, even in the darkness, are of her.

            I am awoken by a bright light, laying on grass face up, this place feels different right now. Pain is gone, but so are my clothes. I'm now in all black, the places where the blood once was at it's sharpest ruby red only the brightest white appears. I look around, there is nothing but green as far as the eye can see. Small yellow, red, and purple flowers lay scattered about in random patches.

            There is no one around, it seems like I'm the only one. I Wait around for a couple of hours and contemplate where I could be. Nothing feels the same, even the flowers seem to have a mind of their own, for as I pass through them, it's as if they are staring  at me. Their pistols sniffing at me from every which way. I don't really get it, and even find it kind of endearing, but I continue on. I manage to make it to a tree where rest in the shade is calling me, for as soon as I sit the tree cradles me into it's roots and molds into my body.

            All I can think of still is her, nothing else really comes to mind. She would love those playful flowers. I hope she's ok. I lay here to rest, under this tree, and I hope that she's going to be alright. There was never a need to say this, but, I really would wait a lifetime to be with you. Even if it means waiting here for you.

            After a few months, I've come to the conclusion that this place is on a small hill.  A small hill covered with flowers and green soft grass that are often covered in dew. As the sun begins to set, there is a green glow emanating from everything because of it. I am flabbergasted, all I can do is just stare at the wondrous glow, it's different every time. It seems like the sunset takes forever, but the beautiful play in light, colors, and oh the sweet memories it brings back to me. How thankful I am. How I wish I could have told you all those times, that you were my Ssica all along.

            Hours turn into days, days into months, and months into years. Yet all I can do, is wait here, hoping I'll see her soon.

Blue Moon Special

     Jessica arrived late home again. Not that it mattered, she was well over 18 and her parents never really did mind what time she came home, even as a young girl in high school the freedom she enjoyed was envied by all. They only asked one thing of her, not to bring anything "weird" home.

     Life sometimes puts us in different places than expected when we are but young-lings. This time it's no different. She can still feel him on her skin.

     She puts her jacket on the rack next to the door, and slowly walks through the hall into the kitchen and up to the ice box. From the fridge, she grabs a sealed bag of juice and some string cheese, the crackers are in the pantry next to the stairs. On her way up she snatches a couple of packs and stuffs them into her bag. She crawls up counting each step, always 31 of them.

     She passes her parents bedroom, and what used to be her brothers room. He's gone now, after spending years following the Dead and other bands, he finally settled down with the girl of his dreams. A hippie momma who loves him as much as he does. She smiles as she passes the door littered with Steal Your Face and Phish stickers. She reaches her room at the end. 'Ssica is scribbled on her door along with Les Claypool and some of the very same, yet uniquely different stickers.

     She lightly closes the door behind her, and puts her bag on the floor next to her bed. She walks up to the mirror and checks herself out. Her light blue top has slight sweat under her armpits, even in the cold Ohio weather she stills sweats sometimes. It all depends on how nervous she is, how much she dances. It hugs her body, she seldom wears a bra during the summer, though with the cold season she often does to keep herself from pointing at anyone without her knowing.

     A bandanna is keeping her hair from flowing over her face, her soft dreds are growing in, just about shoulder length. It was around this time last year that she started them. Her brother gave her all the tips she needed to get them going. He had his for years, and now she wanted to rock out the wookie look. Her curves accentuated her hips just enough, her brown pants hung close to them, though as she slipped them off it was easy to see just how well they concealed her shape. Her legs, for a hippie, were shaved and smooth. She liked them that way, just like her armpits. No one enjoyed being clean like her. Spending time on the road taught her to enjoy not just a shower, but her bed.

     She took off her bra underneath her shirt, not that anyone was looking, she just enjoyed sleeping with a top on when it was cold. Otherwise, it was usually just her underwear. She threw herself onto the bed face first into the soft pillow were she exhaled a sigh of relief. It's so good to be home.

     Grabbing her juicy juice, crackers, and string cheese, she settled down to watch some cartoons. Nothing like some comedy late night to pass the hours before she passes out. There really isn't much to do tomorrow, school is out, and she's just enjoying her time off. Her mind goes back and gets caught up on her past. Much like anyone, she likes to fancy a different turn out for certain events in her life. She feels the cold bead touch her neck, she leans into it.

     He gave this to her, that man. He asked for one of her beads, and she willingly gave it to him. They shared a kiss, a moment, a breath. Yet, even though it's all she had of him, besides some conversation, she felt a connection to him. She hoped they'd run into one another someday, share a drink, maybe a kiss again. It's weird the things the mind will sometimes think up, the places one goes when in thought. Never mind that, she thinks to herself. They'll probably never see each other again.

     She feels a bit cold, and covers her naked legs with her covers. Her green underwear and top just aren't cutting it at the moment. She shuts off her television, and turns off the light. She snuggles up to her pillow, and curls up to sleep. She dreams of a blue moon, and a car wrecked by a disco ball. She sees his brown eyes, and hugs him tight. For some reason they are floating, far above in the sky. The air passes by them, their dreds are flying everywhere. She kisses him, he kisses her, the clouds clear from the moons path, and it's light shines upon the two lovers. Something inside her tells her this is it. She holds him tightly.

     "I Love You."