Every time I'm with you, I am drunk, and so are you.

I still can't believe that YOU would listen to what some schmuck drugged out pill dealer would tell you, and let something that WE felt was so right, just slip right through our fingers.

So what if I told people how I felt? Did that really bother you that much? Seriously, it wasn't anything so bad, it was just me expressing my want and need for you, a true emotion that could have changed our worlds because you felt it too. I never went as far as to tell anyone anything specific. And when I was sad, lonely, and felt left out I shared those emotions as well because I needed some comfort. Certainly you weren't there.

Sad thing is, that I believe you wanted the same. For a moment at least, before all of the diatribes and all of your friends telling you what you should or shouldn't do.

I knew it, because you and I shared something that I haven't experienced in a long time. You know what I'm talking about, and you shouldn't deny it. Our thoughts commingled, don't you see?

What now? Well, besides trying to forget you, and trying to get myself re-situated, I've got nothing else going on. Meanwhile, you travel the world. Not that I envy you, but I do. Because it seems like it was so easy for you to just walk away from this, like it never meant anything. You even tell me that it was all made up, and that it never happened. Do you think I'm that stupid?

You said I was peddling shit, but I never did such a thing. If you remember (which I don't know if you can, but just in case you can) I never had money. Don't drug dealers have money? Don't they spend lavishly? Because my poor self certainly didn't. I was having a hard enough time trying to just survive. Yet your friend the jack of aces is selling hard core synthetic heroin to people. Yeah, and you were one of them. You think I'm blind? Deaf? Dumb? Well, I have brighter eyes than I let off, because I saw a lot more than you think I did.

For what it's worth, I tried to save you by showing what you were doing to yourself through me, although not to the extremes that you ACTUALLY go to. Didn't it suck? Yeah, well thats how your friends feel. How do you think people react when they know you are all pilled up, or shooting up in some dark room, forgetting everything, letting go of your own self in order to attain some peace when peace was right in front of you all along.

Of course I wondered if all those times you were good to me, nice to me, it was just you fucked up on some drug or another, not giving a damn about me but just seeking your instant gratification. And you had the gull to call me a Taker? You have got to be kidding me. I know all of these things now, and I wonder how you will feel about them a decade from now. Will your upper echelon jobs save you? Or will you still remember all of these sour memories like I do. Will your veins still welcome that needle, will your body still shake and ache without the alcohol. Will you ever realize you are cornering yourself?

Yeah, you know that night, before mothers day? Well, he kept twisting my words, turning them against me. He even said that his purpose was to get me out of the way so he could have you for himself. I'm not so selfish, and maybe that was my problem. So tell me, am I right about that? Didn't it just seem like he wanted me out of the picture? Didn't you feel pressured? Because I sure did.

I miss you. I do, because a friend and a lover like you doesn't come around very often, if at all. As they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. And I loved you. I hope you can understand what that means, and all of the emotions that it entailed from my part. If only we'd been patient. If only that Jack ass hadn't intervened.

Oh, my "ideal friendship," right, that was me trying to accommodate to you. Because I wanted to make you happy. Though now it seems like I never really could have. Since I didn't have money, or cocaine, or heroin, or Roxy's, or any of your tall tale emotional band aids you use to hide who you really are. If only you'd realized your true beauty, the amazing strength of spirit that you harbor within yourself. But no, you let HIM drown you out with drugs and alcohol, all meant to stunt your mind. And the few times I tried to open you up he stunted by selling you drugs and telling you that I was some fucktard, when you two should have been looking in the mirror all along so you could see what was truly wrong. I hope you are happy, I hope you enjoy your life "helping others" while you destroy yourself and make your body a wasteland. Do you know why you didn't get pregnant? Because your body was too toxic to give any life. And if you had, last thing I would have wanted was a child born not just addicted to all of your pills, but also with fetal alcohol syndrome.


"What the hell else are we supposed to do?." - Sparklehorse - Every Time I'm With You.