These past few weeks I've had a lot on my mind. One thing in particular has bothered me quite a bit. Thing is that after I've spent years, and I mean YEARS, talking to my friends about not doing prescription medicines as a form of "getting high," I am now prescribed to them. It's weird how the world works. Nothing else eases the pain though, what else am I supposed to do? Pot is not legal where I live, hence I am unable to acquire it. Only thing that is left for me to do is to take those little white pills, and wait for the pain to subside.
I've lost my footing. I was doing real well there for a while, being the person which people came to to talk about getting off the stuff, and how to live without it. Now, it's not so easy to face them and tell them that I am officially consuming these substances as well. Granted, I have a doctors note, and a legitimate reason to take them, but I still feel like there is no more liability on what I say.
I can say this, that I still don't want to see any of the people whom I care for get involved with these drugs, I don't want to be on them either. They make me sleepy, dopey, and numb out more than just my aching back. My mind has suffered, my social interaction has suffered even more because of it. It has made me into a zombie of sorts. I hate it.
Now I wait for a series of surgeries which will hopefully return me to a more mobile state, able to work and fend for myself, I'll finally be able to get out of moms house... again. Really shitty part is that I came here to keep her company about 2 years ago, then the accident happened, and a short stay has turned into an undetermined amount of time. Without being able to work for this time, I've managed to rack up some bills, and lost some people. But what am I gonna do? That is life, and I guess I must live it the way it was dealt to me. Still, no reason to not want more out of it. I do want to do a lot of things still, like see Ireland, England, visit my friend in Japan... All of these things, I must keep in mind. Something to live for. I lost that for a minute there, and it was scary.
w_l
Short stories, poems, among other play things. A constant work in progress. Forever changing.
2 comments:
Dear who_Leo
I am sorry you are having such a bad time. To lose your own independence and confront chronic pain is something I know a little bit about with the Lyme Disease. It knocks your confidence down.
It is no wonder you get addicted to tablets to numb the pain. As doctor it is always a dilemma.
I hope you have the strength. Wishing you all the best.
Janete xx
Thanks a lot for the words of strength Janete, it really is a different world once chronic pain hits, everything changes. I am trying my best to maintain normalcy, though it is difficult at times, but still I dream on and continue to try an d make something worth while out of a not so awesome situation.
My doctor seems legitimately worried, not just about me, but also the substances he is prescribing me. Luckily, he's not one of those guys that freely prescribes pain meds, as he made sure I needed them before he even thought about prescribing them to me. You have no idea how thankful I am for this.
I know you've studied about Lyme, are you also a patient for it? I've got a friend who has lyme here in the US, she got it while in a boot camp out in the woods. She just had a baby, and it seems as if it's receded.
Again, thanks for your words.
who_leo
:D
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