Told

So I told her. Weight off my shoulders. Will continue on to do as I do, be myself, and interact as always. Will find out what happens. It's the best I can do for now; besides, school is so much more important right now. "I would rather be working for a pay check, than waiting to win the lottery." - Bright Eyes

Did you know???

Today I speak the truth.

Some dreams

I had this dream last night, I don't remember exactly what was going on but... someone kept telling me they "love"d me, and I couldn't muster myself up to say that I did too. It was a weird dream because it takes a lot for me to say that to someone, it's not words that are easily spoken. Much like a quote I saw this morning:

"I trust you" is a better compliment than "I love you." Because you may not always trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust.

Sometimes the universe just likes to set you up, I feel. With that dream, then that quote on G+. Anyhow, I agreed. I would rather trust someone first, and then love them. It just makes more sense. I want to trust.

Wishing on Dandelions

Dandelions are made for wishing
one thought followed by
a soft whispered kiss
from tender lips
into the wilderness of the world
and within that beautiful chaos
a white ball of seeds explodes
into a thousand pieces
each carried by the wind
hoping to find that heart
to set root in
and grow.

for now the warmth of the ethreal kiss
tender and joyous
keeps the hearth warm
during the nights they still haven't found
one another
at least  now they know
they are not alone.

Staying in bed, you sleepless insomniac.

One thing I never miss about depression is the complete and utter feeling of hopelessness attached to every facet of life. I know I must get over it, just thread through it. For some reason though, my brain keeps saying fuck all, just stay in bed, the day is going to suck and there is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

Luckily I'm a stubborn asshole, otherwise I would have stayed in bed today, and tomorrow, yesterday, all of my existence. Fuck you brain, you suck with your "feelings" and emotional baggage that always seems to pop open during these times. Next question is, just how long will this feeling last this time?

Wacky Dreans

Had a dream with an old lover, we met up at a dance hall. She wore a blue dress, her hair was done up. I was in shorts and a Spongebob shirt. Story of my life. We went up a set of stairs hidden inside the walls of the building, to kiss and make out on the roof top. She bit my ear, like she always did. I stared into her brown eyes, and the rest is just a replay from our past.

Dearest Sour-girl,

I don't know why I still miss you. Even in the arms of strangers I think of you. I compare others to you, and even through all of the shit you still shine brighter. I must be sicker than I thought. Why do I enjoy this pain of knowing I will never see you? Why do I torture myself over someone who will never love as they are loved? Maybe it's because what we had was unconditional. Maybe it's because I'm one fucked up individual. But then I remember about the bruises, and find a certain spot on my chest still tender to the touch, my own or anyone's. Then I remember, that love is pain and thus eternal.

Forever lost in your eyes.

The Needle

Every time the needle tears through her flesh

to find that jumbled mess she likes to call a vein

it is her soul which slowly seeps out in amber drops

down her arm, pressure tied off by a tourniquet.

In order to forget the pain left behind by heavy hands

to extinguish flames burning so bright

that only the milky waters of the river Alf

may extinguish her core in an explosion

of eternal ecstasy
an orgasm
meant to last an eternity

but only felt for a few minutes

because nothing is eternal,

only pain is.

He wanted to hold her but he knew she was not aware

of her nature and way of being.

That her own life was inundated with the facts

that she was not like the rest of them

and quite aware she still pushed away

those who understood and were willing to help

to understand how life can be and is, 'cos

when the world is a jigsaw you need to put it together.

He knew what she was and it scared her

he saw through her skin

onto the punctured veins

and it scarred her.

It never ceased to amaze him
her beauty eternal

the way eyes glowed in the light of the moon

tender fingers ran over scar tissue

soft kisses invaded her body

as he gave of himself to her.

Because it is no the way we think it is

not as if life has everything set up.

it is chaos in a civilized society

set up to illuminate the cauldrons of reality

with the hearth of hearts
beating strongly against one another

as she soaks her panties under her clothes

he grows inside his boxer shorts

both kissing on a couch

late at night

as her hair falls over his face

and she pulls upon his dreads.

 She drags him to the bedroom

and takes her pants off

as he grabs her from behind and with one hand

buried in her crotch

feels the rivers of love flowing fast

his cock jumps
she grabs it behind her

squeezing as it pulses, she turns around

penetrates his mouth with her tongue.

She sit's back onto the bed

legs spread, one hand saying

"Hither forth."

He kneels in front of her and kisses freckles

upon her face

neck

breasts

stomach

thighs

ankles

feet

legs

thighs

pelvis

he then swims into her

lashing his tongue

she thrusts herself onto him.

The needle comes out

it penetrates her vein

and the water of life pours into her

an orgasmic overflow

she caresses the shaft of her syringe

feels the pain and the memory go away.

Because in the dark

Can't buy snack packs, as

they have two servings,

after one you are satisfied and

the rest might just spoil.

Couldn't go to the movies

because in the dark,

when it's cold and scary,

there is no one to hold on to.

Didn't celebrate anything,

because it always reminds of

how dull it all is when

there is no one to share with.

Laugh at a favorite comedy show

babble "Oh Liz Lemon, you're so funny!"

at a screen in an empty apartment full of cats,

neighbors think you are crazy.

Go to sleep with a pillow in your arms,

because it's a subtle reminder of the

softness and warmth once felt

from a gentle encounter.

Look into green eyes with wonder, and

loose the self in the swirls.

Those eyes are not for you,

leave empty handed.

Three Steps

Every time she takes two steps forward
he takes three steps back
it's not like he doesn't want her near
or would not enjoy the scent of her
closer to him
his senses invaded by her touch
the taste of her skin
the color of her eyes.

It's a pain he's felt before
that of being open and honest
of allowing her to invade every cell
penetrating each wall inside of his organism
once he drinks from her.

Being afraid of being
and loosing everything,
because
what he is isn't what you'd
come to expect
from a soul in a meat bag.

He adorns himself with scars from the past
each tells a tale of a woman he's loved
moments
etched onto his skin
caricatures
scribbled into the layers
reaching beneath the surface
burrowed
just like all of them.

Three steps back,
while she takes two forward.

He pushes away because of
dishonest
obtuse
obituaries
which his heart has written
for different parts of itself.

What would be so different today,
tomorrow,
or any time at all?
Those who are willing to break the walls
and seek audience with his heart
will be given the time
to make a case for custody,
to hold and respect.

Three steps back,
three steps forward.
He wonders what she hopes to accomplish
as soft tender lips reach for his own.

Penny

She flipped a penny found on the ground  heads up in hopes someone would take it, she then decided that it would be best taken care of in her possession, that others would kick it and not care for it like she would.

At that moment, I saw what I appreciated the most in her.

I wanted to let her know, but it just didn't come out. Chocking on my own words I bid her a good day, in hopes that in the future I may meet someone like her, who is willing to flip pennies in hopes that others will take them, or even take it herself because no one else would give it a good enough home. She made a fan of me today.