Muzak

One thing I will always love about music is it's ability to express that which has no words.

Bleh

If I'd not said anything, it would have been counter productive.

Dancer

Dry mouth
chapped lips
fingers twitching to the beat
of base and drum
electronic arpeggios
inundate thoughts

Imagine her in her skirt
dancing to the beat
hips accentuating motion
as her body follows closely
like an enchanter
seer of visions
hair over her face
sweat pouring down her back
bare feet

The dust of the evening
seldom settles

Thinking

Tropical weather
topical anesthetics
copious and copacetic
moments washed up in the rain
as complimentary peanuts
are served with a hepi pen
contraceptive wet dreams
of triangles in obtuse realities
commence a new day
once the sun goes down.

Told

So I told her. Weight off my shoulders. Will continue on to do as I do, be myself, and interact as always. Will find out what happens. It's the best I can do for now; besides, school is so much more important right now. "I would rather be working for a pay check, than waiting to win the lottery." - Bright Eyes

Did you know???

Today I speak the truth.

Some dreams

I had this dream last night, I don't remember exactly what was going on but... someone kept telling me they "love"d me, and I couldn't muster myself up to say that I did too. It was a weird dream because it takes a lot for me to say that to someone, it's not words that are easily spoken. Much like a quote I saw this morning:

"I trust you" is a better compliment than "I love you." Because you may not always trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust.

Sometimes the universe just likes to set you up, I feel. With that dream, then that quote on G+. Anyhow, I agreed. I would rather trust someone first, and then love them. It just makes more sense. I want to trust.

Wishing on Dandelions

Dandelions are made for wishing
one thought followed by
a soft whispered kiss
from tender lips
into the wilderness of the world
and within that beautiful chaos
a white ball of seeds explodes
into a thousand pieces
each carried by the wind
hoping to find that heart
to set root in
and grow.

for now the warmth of the ethreal kiss
tender and joyous
keeps the hearth warm
during the nights they still haven't found
one another
at least  now they know
they are not alone.

Staying in bed, you sleepless insomniac.

One thing I never miss about depression is the complete and utter feeling of hopelessness attached to every facet of life. I know I must get over it, just thread through it. For some reason though, my brain keeps saying fuck all, just stay in bed, the day is going to suck and there is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

There is nothing you can do about it.

Luckily I'm a stubborn asshole, otherwise I would have stayed in bed today, and tomorrow, yesterday, all of my existence. Fuck you brain, you suck with your "feelings" and emotional baggage that always seems to pop open during these times. Next question is, just how long will this feeling last this time?

Wacky Dreans

Had a dream with an old lover, we met up at a dance hall. She wore a blue dress, her hair was done up. I was in shorts and a Spongebob shirt. Story of my life. We went up a set of stairs hidden inside the walls of the building, to kiss and make out on the roof top. She bit my ear, like she always did. I stared into her brown eyes, and the rest is just a replay from our past.

Dearest Sour-girl,

I don't know why I still miss you. Even in the arms of strangers I think of you. I compare others to you, and even through all of the shit you still shine brighter. I must be sicker than I thought. Why do I enjoy this pain of knowing I will never see you? Why do I torture myself over someone who will never love as they are loved? Maybe it's because what we had was unconditional. Maybe it's because I'm one fucked up individual. But then I remember about the bruises, and find a certain spot on my chest still tender to the touch, my own or anyone's. Then I remember, that love is pain and thus eternal.

Forever lost in your eyes.

The Needle

Every time the needle tears through her flesh

to find that jumbled mess she likes to call a vein

it is her soul which slowly seeps out in amber drops

down her arm, pressure tied off by a tourniquet.

In order to forget the pain left behind by heavy hands

to extinguish flames burning so bright

that only the milky waters of the river Alf

may extinguish her core in an explosion

of eternal ecstasy
an orgasm
meant to last an eternity

but only felt for a few minutes

because nothing is eternal,

only pain is.

He wanted to hold her but he knew she was not aware

of her nature and way of being.

That her own life was inundated with the facts

that she was not like the rest of them

and quite aware she still pushed away

those who understood and were willing to help

to understand how life can be and is, 'cos

when the world is a jigsaw you need to put it together.

He knew what she was and it scared her

he saw through her skin

onto the punctured veins

and it scarred her.

It never ceased to amaze him
her beauty eternal

the way eyes glowed in the light of the moon

tender fingers ran over scar tissue

soft kisses invaded her body

as he gave of himself to her.

Because it is no the way we think it is

not as if life has everything set up.

it is chaos in a civilized society

set up to illuminate the cauldrons of reality

with the hearth of hearts
beating strongly against one another

as she soaks her panties under her clothes

he grows inside his boxer shorts

both kissing on a couch

late at night

as her hair falls over his face

and she pulls upon his dreads.

 She drags him to the bedroom

and takes her pants off

as he grabs her from behind and with one hand

buried in her crotch

feels the rivers of love flowing fast

his cock jumps
she grabs it behind her

squeezing as it pulses, she turns around

penetrates his mouth with her tongue.

She sit's back onto the bed

legs spread, one hand saying

"Hither forth."

He kneels in front of her and kisses freckles

upon her face

neck

breasts

stomach

thighs

ankles

feet

legs

thighs

pelvis

he then swims into her

lashing his tongue

she thrusts herself onto him.

The needle comes out

it penetrates her vein

and the water of life pours into her

an orgasmic overflow

she caresses the shaft of her syringe

feels the pain and the memory go away.

Because in the dark

Can't buy snack packs, as

they have two servings,

after one you are satisfied and

the rest might just spoil.

Couldn't go to the movies

because in the dark,

when it's cold and scary,

there is no one to hold on to.

Didn't celebrate anything,

because it always reminds of

how dull it all is when

there is no one to share with.

Laugh at a favorite comedy show

babble "Oh Liz Lemon, you're so funny!"

at a screen in an empty apartment full of cats,

neighbors think you are crazy.

Go to sleep with a pillow in your arms,

because it's a subtle reminder of the

softness and warmth once felt

from a gentle encounter.

Look into green eyes with wonder, and

loose the self in the swirls.

Those eyes are not for you,

leave empty handed.

Three Steps

Every time she takes two steps forward
he takes three steps back
it's not like he doesn't want her near
or would not enjoy the scent of her
closer to him
his senses invaded by her touch
the taste of her skin
the color of her eyes.

It's a pain he's felt before
that of being open and honest
of allowing her to invade every cell
penetrating each wall inside of his organism
once he drinks from her.

Being afraid of being
and loosing everything,
because
what he is isn't what you'd
come to expect
from a soul in a meat bag.

He adorns himself with scars from the past
each tells a tale of a woman he's loved
moments
etched onto his skin
caricatures
scribbled into the layers
reaching beneath the surface
burrowed
just like all of them.

Three steps back,
while she takes two forward.

He pushes away because of
dishonest
obtuse
obituaries
which his heart has written
for different parts of itself.

What would be so different today,
tomorrow,
or any time at all?
Those who are willing to break the walls
and seek audience with his heart
will be given the time
to make a case for custody,
to hold and respect.

Three steps back,
three steps forward.
He wonders what she hopes to accomplish
as soft tender lips reach for his own.

Penny

She flipped a penny found on the ground  heads up in hopes someone would take it, she then decided that it would be best taken care of in her possession, that others would kick it and not care for it like she would.

At that moment, I saw what I appreciated the most in her.

I wanted to let her know, but it just didn't come out. Chocking on my own words I bid her a good day, in hopes that in the future I may meet someone like her, who is willing to flip pennies in hopes that others will take them, or even take it herself because no one else would give it a good enough home. She made a fan of me today.

On forgiving yourself

Whenever in that moment
when you can and may just reach
to the inevitable
beauty in decadence
do it.

Holding back one time will lead
to a lifetime of regret
wondering what taste
those lips hold
just what texture that tongue had for you.

On fear

Afraid

because it's you

who can break my heart.

Time is a river

A couple together

walking down the breezeway

holding hands

she leans on his shoulder

he holds her by the waist.

Two old people sitting in a booth

ordering the special

they both have shared in the good

in the bad

and all the in between's.

An innocent child waits by the staircase

while mother locks the door

their one bedroom is a safe place

they both hold on to the railing

as they descend wind blows

the hair from their face.

He sits on a stool

in a bar

with a drink that never runs out

his worries, all watered down,

cease to exist for just a little while.

She hangs out at a party

suitors all tend to her needs

the well never runs dry

when so many are willing

giving it all they have,

but it's all just a game.

In dreams they meet again and again

aging stops

preconceptions stop

it's the purest feeling

as water dragons dance for them

love flows yet again.

Amour stained synapses (a fleeting feeling)

In the moonlight
it's when I think best.
As the sun rises
it's when I feel the most.
When the air blows
it's when I breathe easier.
When the sun shines
it's when I close my eyes.
As the rain falls
it's when I feel better.
When her smile glows
it's when I feel warm.
With the touch of her skin
it's when I feel alive.

2,000 views

Thanks to all of you who've taken the time to go through these and read. I appreciate you, and hope that I've done a decent job entertaining you. Please come back soon, ya hear?

who_leo

I'd be Gay for you.

In the darkest of nights
and the brightest of days
you are the light
you are the shade
even though it's been so long
since I last kept your breath
inside of mine
I can still taste
the way your hair smelled
on top of our sweat
tears
secreted bodily fluids
meant to lubricate
as we turn into one
magnificent being
completely enveloped
in the moment
and lost to the world
because that's how you made me feel
make me feel
even though
I'm sure you've forgotten about it all
even burned me at your stake
it's something I'll never loose
such a sweet memory
tender
and smooth
like the skin on your breasts.

Treacherous Awakenings

Because sometimes when you think everything is over, there is always a sunrise on the horizon. It's a new day, another chance to fuck it up, or make it a little bit better.

always up to the individual.

Dreams of a sober sour

I had a dream with you last night, Sourgirl. We talked, you were pregnant, you sat on my lap, and shared warmth once again. Your hair smells so good, and your lips still as tender as always. You didn't drink anything, didn't even smoke. It was like meeting a completely different person. I wish life would have been like that, just you and me, and a bun in your oven.

Kochira wa Geinin.

we all play parts in the greatest play
parts we often choose
but more often than not
just happen to fall into.
it's not so easy to walk away
to pretend we never wanted them
being a savior
a lover
a simple person
or even that one to take care of you
because sometimes we need to be
in charge of something
even if it's just playing our part right.
congregations of actors
all meet on the stage
and life begins a new
each and every day
listen closely
and sometimes you can catch
the slip of a line here and there
not every play is perfect
but when it is some call it fate.
I tried to play a part once or twice
but my co-stars never seem to get it right
flawed that I am
it must rub off on them
or at least it seems to.
I will never know the truth of the matter
for they are elsewhere now
on another chapter
reading another line
to someone who is playing a part
willing to be that one
who makes believe
without missing a beat
on the stage of life.

When people use you up, there is nothing left.

Often I wonder what the whole point is, to be constantly hurt and let down. So many people are out there happy and rejoicing in the crap that they sow for themselves, meanwhile I've just been stuck. Nothing to do, no one to love, just pain. Physical, emotional, mental. Many times I feel as if there is no exit, that this is it. As life has come to a standstill these last 3 years, slowly moored on the beach of pain, only amniotic sedatives seem to calm me, to throw off the distant disdain of apathy and anguish. It feels as if I was meant to be like this though, no matter who enters my life they always say "you are great, you are awesome, you are meant for so much." Yet they walk away, turn their backs on me, and toss me aside like a piece of discarded cartilage, meant to be there momentarily only to serve as a buffer between their emptiness and the next thing. Great, I say. I have found that I'm that guy, the one people use in order to not feel alone, the one people use in order to feel alive, because anything is better than THIS, and so they can acquire it and do so. Because no matter how many times they say that I'm beautiful or that I'm great, it's all lies in the long run. White lies meant to keep me at bay momentarily, an emotional band aid of sorts, to be tossed once I have run my use and course. Thanks a lot, to you all, is all I have to say. You make me feel worthless, and apathetic, pathetic, and unlovable. All in all, I hope you are doing well, I hope that life treats you with some sort of kindness, that which you lack so often when dealing with matters of the heart. Thanks for the extra pain.

John Lennon knew stuff

Truth

and I wouldn't know it

If I had never

felt the both

in such strong

waves

of emotion.

Flutter

Smoked my last cigarette
sleepy but not tired
dead but still awake
it's all on how you look at it
maybe I'll get another pack tomorrow
maybe I'll wake up and feel alive
maybe I'll stop living
in a wonderland
where a kiss is meaningful
and lovers still exist.
I really don't want to though
I'd like to live in fantasy
waiting for that one person
who will make my heart burst
just by having them near me.

Burnt Marshmallow

"Wretched night" are the words that escape his lips. Walking through the back alleys of the town, garbage lines the side of the buildings, some of it is made up like homes for the indigents and lost. Each step gets heavier and heavier with the passing of time, he needs his fix. Finally at his destination, a man in baggy clothes and baseball cap with shinny stickers on it looks him over.

"What will it be?" He knows his costumers by the visage of death drawn upon their beings.

"I just need the usual... It's been a long night." A stack of singles and fives is passed from one to the other, and as soon as it is counted a bag containing tiny blue pills is exchanged.

"See you soon."

----

When he gets back to his apartment she is waiting on the dirty old couch, a thing full of smells and stains that remark the past 2 years as if they'd been decades. Her thin lips are dry and chalked, a crust under her nose and bags under the eyes makes it hard to remember what she looked like before it all started. He puts his coat on the back of the door, and crunching past plastic cups and caps that litter the hallway he scratches at his head. Thin arms and even thinner wrists still manage to gather the tools of their addiction. Straws, tin foil, and a couple of lighters of which he can't recall if they are dead or not.

"What took so long?" she asks as her head wobbles, trying to sit up. He makes room for himself on the edge of the couch as he clears some of the table by tossing a heap of garbage to the floor.

"I was just thinking, maybe we ought to get out of here soon. I mean, like... get out of here, this town, start new somewhere else." He opens the baggie and takes two pills out, rips two pieces of tinfoil, and passes one of each to her. She grabs a straw and lighter just as he does and places the pill on the metallic surface. With the straw in her mouth she begins to burn the underside of the tinfoil, a smoldering crackling is emitted from the pill as it heats up and starts to smoke, she suctions the white smoke as the smell of burnt marshmallow fills the room. He follows suit.

As the pill melts, it moves on the tinfoil, making a dark spiral as it travels on the surface of the heated metal. Their lungs absorbing the opiate and eyes widening, this is what their life has become. After two more pills they lay back and hold one another.

"I think it would be a good idea." Her hair is oily from lack of washing, she tucks it behind her ears. Pimples are sprouting like mountains across her unwashed face. When was the last time they washed? They can't remember, the bathroom is only used to defecate once every couple of days, and maybe to throw up in more often than anything else. The shower is seldom used. "I'm tired of this place, the people are horrible."

Sustaining his head like a helium balloon that has grown too heavy, he comes in and out of consciousnesses unable to talk. They both fall asleep on the couch.

-----

Sunlight. It's warmth is heating up their faces, it awakens him. She's still asleep. Getting up he feels his bones crack, falling asleep on the couch is no good for them, but he doesn't notice after a fix or two. Once in the kitchen he pours himself some water in a cup that's been sitting by the sink for who knows how many days, weeks even. After gulping it down he opens the fridge to find it empty. The last of the food stamp money had been spent on their current stash, selling them had become yet another habit meant to sustain their addiction. He serves more water and drinks it down.

Sitting on the couch he sets up another piece of tinfoil, the roll is still new and has quite a bit of the shinny paper on it. He shakes the lighter to make sure it's still got fuel, placing another pill on top he lights up. She awakens as he blows smoke on her face.

"What... oh... here..." she grabs for the paper and straw as he lights it for her. This is how every morning is spent.

"We need more money, we'll be out by tonight." His voice shakes a little, she knows what he meas.

"Alright, I'll call Hue. I'm sure he could use some release." She inhales, and holds it. Again, burnt marshmallows fill the air.

-----

She's dressed up, unshowered, but dressed up. Her skinny legs are nothing like they used to be. Once upon a time she ran every morning before going to work at the restaurant, her figure was envied, her beauty was obscene. Every man wanted her, and she knew it. Now she's just another corpse walking the street.

"Hue is coming soon, you'll have to go wait outside. Can you head over to John's and see if he can hook us up with some pot? Tell him he can come by for the money later." She's applying lipstick to her chapped lips, a bit of eye shadow, and some flush takes away the look of death. She almost looks normal, but there is something about addiction you can never hide.

"Alright." It's all he says. He gets up and walks to the door, grabs his jacket and just as he's about to close the door she says to him:

"I love you!"

"I love you too babe... call John's when you are done." He walks down the stairs and runs into Hue, he's a tall blonde man, wearing glasses as usual. He's married, but likes to get his kicks elsewhere just like everyone else. He's never asked her just what he does that he has to go somewhere else to find it besides home, he doesn't care. Hue doesn't know who he is.

-----

John's house is five minutes from the apartment, it is an old house filled with old newspapers and an array of stuff which could be easily thrown out, but John just can't seem to part with it. It reminds him of his parent's, he says. They saved all of this stuff, and now it just happened to be his watch over it, having them both gone this was the only thing they'd left behind. A house full of garbage. He knocks on the door.

"Come on in!" John screams from within. Opening the door with his think fingers, he hears the rustling of the dog as it's running towards the door. It's an old pit bull with barely any teeth left, a very lovable old dog.

"So what's up?" John is rolling a blunt, he always has pot.

"Not much, Lucy is working a job so I thought I'd come by."

"I see..." He knew what this meant, but didn't say anything. Lucy wasn't a stranger to him by any means, even shut in pot heads need to get their rocks off every once in a while.

"Hey, do you think you can front us some of that pot? Lucy will have the money for you tonight, you can just come back with me and she'll have it for you."

"Alright, not a problem." Lighting the blunt makes the room fill with smoke almost instantly, maybe it wouldn't happen so fast if there wasn't so much shit in there, air circulation might be better, but tell that to John, he'd only say that it's his house and he'll do as he pleases. He's right though, no one should be telling someone how to live their lives.

-----

The phone rings, it's Lucy.

"Yeah, I'm all done over here, you guys can come through if you want."

"Sure, we'll be right there."

-----

She's back in her regular clothes, her face is still flushed even though there is no make up on it. Her lipstick is a bit smeared, and her hair looks kind of clumpy. She's smoking a pill as the two of them walk into the living room, seems like Hue left her a tip, there is a bag with a nice stash of pills by her side of the table. This is good, he wont have to go out tonight to re up. John takes a seat on a metal chair across from them, tossing a baggie of pot on the table.

"Twenty five please."

"Here you go." She puts down her utensils and reaches into her pocket, pulling out a small wad of bills. He accepts the money and pulls out a pre rolled joint, lighting it he winks at her and she smiles.

"So what is up for tonight?" John takes a couple of puffs and passes the joint to Lucy.

"Oh I don't know, thinking we are going to stay in and maybe watch some Fifth Element." Her voice seems raspy, maybe it's all the smoking.

"I was thinking we could get some groceries, the fridge is kind of empty." He takes the joint from Lucy and inhales a large hit, coughing as if his lungs were trying to escape years of torture and abuse.

"Easy old man, you can't take those big hits with this stuff." John takes the joint from him and puffs at it. "I can give you guys a ride to the market if you need, I could use some supplies myself."

"Sounds good, now that we have a little bit of cash it sounds like a good idea." She lights the tinfoil, and sucks in more of the burnt marshmallow.

-----

It's been three days since Hue came around, and they needed more money. Lucy went to walk the streets for a little while, he stayed at home trying to figure out who he could rob and how to make a quick buck.

Lucy comes in a couple of hours later, her dress is a bit ripped, and there is something dripping from between her legs. She doesn't say anything as she passes by him on the couch, she throws a wad of bills on the table and heads straight to the bathroom. He hears the shower go on. He grabs one of the last pills and lights it up.

"Hey, Steve!" She screams from the shower. "Can you head down to T's and pick up some more blues?"

"Sure thing babe."

-----

The alley hasn't changed much, a couple of bums are fighting over the contents of a garbage can as he passes them, they don't even notice him. Shadows seem to elongate and compress, the wind is blowing and there is little to no fresh smell, it's a stink of decay that seems to linger in the inner city. Shivering from the cold he crosses to the other side of the alley where T is usually hanging out this time of night, but he's not there. Instead there is another dealer, he's seen him before. Tall and dark, with an over sized coat on, gold teeth, and a fuck you look to him.

"What you need boy?"

"Umm... where is T?"

"He ain't here... now you need somethin' or not?"

"Yeah, I need two hundred worth..."

"Aight..." He reaches in his jacket and pulls out 4 baggies, each with 5 pills in it.

"Cool cool..." He hands the money and takes the bags. "Catch you around."

"Yeah, whatever."

-----

Back in the apartment she's smoking the last pill from the last stash. There are a few bills left on the table, and the aluminum roll is growing thin. He walks in and plops next to her, setting the bags of pills on the table as he does so.

"We really need to get out of here..." He says, but just as he does she kisses him and exhales into his mouth. The hit makes him feel light headed, he forgets what he was talking about.

"You just need some more of this..." She rips some foil for him, opens a baggie, and sets up a fix for him. "Come on, smoke some and fuck me."

He get's high, he doesn't fuck her, his dick can't get up after he smokes the pills. They both pass out on the couch as the sun begins to rise on the horizon.

Comment ça va?

Sometimes life feels like the movie Groundhog Day. Every day it's the same, every interaction is a mirror of days prior. It wont change until something big happens, until automatons stop showing up for work, cops stop sending people to jail, and politicos stop taking bribes. Until then, nothing is going to change, it will always be Groundhog Day, waiting for a furry over grown rat to tell us if it sees it's shadow or not, with a blizzard just outside of our door keeping us at bay. For now, I think I'll just work on myself, so when the day does move on, I'll do something so different that you wont have a choice but to say hello.

Sweet Lovely...

It's all so abnormal
the way we go through life
in our air conditioned vehicles
with our cellophane sex
barely talking to each other
like we were a million miles
apart, yet our skin touches
and our stink commingles.

I tried to love once or twice
it fell on my lap
much the way it usually does
and every time it managed to
be squandered by the corrosion
of time and space
triangles often do that.

Antiseptic dreams
clean and coordinated
like the dance of a dying race
we beat the drums of war
love and sadness
to the rhythmic procession
of hearts left behind to spoil.

Can you imagine
for just one second
what life would be like
if we all just said fuck it
and started to talk
and walk
and listen to one another
towards one another
and made the strides
to make a difference in our own
and each others lives?

I can't
I've been locked in too long
kept inside my wrapper
I know not freedom
I feel little but the air
as it rustles against my plastic prison
the medicine numbs everything else
and my mind plagues me with one thought
over and over and over and over again

When will I feel that soft caress?

Are you out there?

LF female 25-32 yrs old, without a criminal record, enjoys music, cheese, and dancing. Must be ok with video games, and possibly play W.O.W.

lolz if only it was that easy.

Whenever wherever

and wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
dressed in the clothes you weren't wearing yesterday


kinked hair spread over the pillows
like her legs on that spring
my widow
I didn't leave anything behind
but a name
and some DNA


musing over her breath
heavy on my chest
like the thoughts of yesterday


with a spine crooked
like the number five
we crawl down the street
looking for another drink


lost down the river
we drown misery
and remind ourselves
that tomorrow is another day
another wrinkle
and it's alright

Cavities

There is nothing to worry about
the wind blows all the dust around
just as it begins to settle.
It's not about to keep still
it never does
it gets in your eyes
your hair
lungs
and you could even feel it
as it grinds against your teeth.
This dust
thinly spread through out
is the only thing left
of the past.
We once danced on clouds
made of sugar
caressed lips
numbed with lust
but in the end
it all turned to this.
A finely refined dust
that grinds against my teeth
to remind me
you were once here.

Contemplation

sometimes I wonder if I've done the right thing
by pushing away certain people
in the long run I will miss them
and hope to maybe see them again
but honestly it's not worth the drama
and the pain
of having them around
when all they really did was use you as a carpet
and played with your emotions
as if they were a yo-yo.

Dear Sour Girl

The thing about sour girl is that she was deadly honest with me, and that is something I will never forget about her. Thank you, I still love that about you, and realize just how hard it is to come by.

Tree of Life, a Rebirth.

Like a fruit that's been tossed around
bruised battered and torn
so does the ball
sit in your court.

I do hope one thing,
once all of the flesh decays off
and it's rotten to the core
that the seeds happen to fall
through a crack
of the cement floor
on the court of adversity
which we have built between ourselves.

To dig in,
something to crack the hardened surface
destroy the deserted streets
to grow and blossom,
bloom
a fruit giving tree
with sweet and sour pulp
to feast on and kill hunger
for both you and me.

These are the things I think about
when you come to mind now
it's not so bad you know
the taste of your smile
the stink of your skin
it all comes back suddenly
every time I think of you
freckles
blue eyes
blonde hair
gentle lips
telling me to "hither forth"
with one subtle
yet inviting
hand motion.

A kiss.

Burned

I come over to you for comfort
for love
for an understanding inherently built in
for something other than the mundane
an existence made of clay
to see what shape I can make myself
it's odd
the way we've trans-versed so far
through the spaces in between
but often enough
it's never a thought
that binds the lips to good-bye
but rather an inexpensive frailty
meant to incinerate yet consecrate
the way that I feel for you
and if so
let it be
for I never knew the true taste
of a kiss
but a caress
infested with love bites

Beach Thoughts

today, much like yesterday
the day before and even past tomorrow
I find myself enthralled by what could have
should have and will never be.

a sour kiss
a gentle caress
the touch of soft skin to mine
conversations of wonder
seldom found anywhere else.

the genius behind blue eyes
kindness behind the honey colored ones
lessons taught and learned
all meant to inspire.

lately I think of you sour
even in the arms of a new lover
about how you kissed me in the car
and simply said
"now you know how I feel about you,"
so forward and in charge
like the night you jumped my bones
and showed me how a woman really
loves.

when I think of my honey lover
its often of her skin
the accents from
her freckles which I've read like braille
soft kisses on my cheek as she whispers
"You are beautiful"
into my ear
and I shiver because I know
this is her goodbye.

so I wander through my mind
emotions and heartbreak
to find myself alone
whispering sweet nothings
to myself before I sleep
all in hopes to keep
the death of my spirit
heart and hope
from coming too soon
before I find her again.

Contradictions

I am done falling in love
or at least wanting to
it is painful
it is full of lies
it is not for me
anymore.

Your White Lies Bite

I see the truth hidden in your eyes
the white lies hurt you know
no matter how you dress them up
or what you try to tell yourself
you hurt those you lie to.

Construction Ahead

Continue on

and don't give two damns

life often fringes on death

after all it wouldn't be life.

Fighting for survival

on a rainbow road

made of multicolored dreams

smashed to bits and pieces

all you can say is

wow.

It's not so easy when the past

catches up to you

and the lovers that keep hiding

inside of your head come up

for air.

Light glares off the gravel

coloring the walls of the houses

as you pass by each one

and it makes you wonder

about the could and should have been's.

Like a pilot light that's blown out

that let's the whole place fill up

with gaseous emissions

just waiting for that one spark

to blow everything up.

So is my mind

heart

soul

waiting for that one

who will make everything light up

blowing up the walls

and the pre built concepts

of reality.

This rainbow road can take you

anywhere you want to be.

Built from smashed dreams

it makes you wonder just how far

you can really walk before you decide

that it's time to settle down

and take a sip of wine

to numb out the pain

the sway

forget about the sores on your feet.

Still I wander through the streets

headlights lighting the way

to an unknown

yet yearned for tomorrow.

It's all about the story

the trip taken

the slow moments that make it worth while

like a woman's scent as she holds you tight

or her whispering words of beauty

promises often broken

it's all momentary and fleeting.

All meant to ignite some sort of reaction

erection

confessions of the heart.

I've hold her tight several times

my muse

but more often than never

I must let her go

to be free

for I am not a cage

although I am a caged

animal

on a rainbow road

made of smashed dreams.

Four Letter Words to Break You

Flaming Lips. I Want You (She's So Heavy).


coming through
like waves
through open spaces
screams of hello
good-bye
and yellow submarines
sound waves caressing
all waiting for
and inspecting
the mare.
It's been so long
since the feeling of alone
really dug it's claws
into the mindless babble
and the garble of
these insane moments
often followed by our disastrous manic friend
happiness.
It's never as revolting
as it should be to be
seeing yourself in the mirror
smile from ear to ear
and all you want to do inside
is cry.
Because it's not normal
it's completely bonkers.
Reality skews itself in lips
often thought of
seldom forgotten
that speak those dirty words
with four letters
all the while
making the content
happy about
and the discerning
question
the ineffability
of Good-Bye.
It takes a while
to really wake up in the morning
stretch your eyes open
as you blink yourself into existence
from a night of tossing and turning
only to feel the pearl
you've been sleeping on
all night.
It's really just a matter
of picking the pieces
and being choosy about which parts
you want to put back together
often enough
you'll find that there are empty spaces
left behind
but it's ok
sooner or later you'll find something new
to fill them up with
a new smile
a kiss
a caress
new moments to glue yourself back together with.
It only takes a few
to forget of the crevices
and the broken dreams.
It's not so bad
once you look up in the new morning
to find yourself next to a lover
who you want
just as they want.
Something I always think though,
and shit...
this is just how I work.
I wonder how you'll break my heart?
How many pieces will you leave behind?
As I caress her back
massage her neck
feel my fingers deep inside
I wonder
Just how you will kill me
and how many times will I let myself
fall victim
to four letter words.

Sometimes I can hardly help it

Would you chastise me
if I said I missed you
wished that your scent
still lingered on my clothes
that your kisses I still felt
upon my cheek
and soft caress upon my lips
it is true
and I do.

Palpitations

Gentle kisses on my face
hands smooth running
over my skin
her hot breath on my own
all of these things
stick inside my brain
making me ache
inside
for her.

Did you know?

He reads your emails.
Nothing is safe.

Four Letter Words

so often I think of the
things which I've done
that I knew would be
different
if only I'd taken time
to pay attention to what
was going on around me
instead of drifting off
into the spaces within
my mind
her eyes
lost in the moment.
but then I wouldn't know
what I do now, or how to look
for them,
signs.
hind sight is twenty twenty
they say.
knowing this I find that
Sour wasn't so sour
after all
and that my beach lover
is just trying to feel
me out for being either
someone seeking just sex
or an honest human being.
I certainly do hope that
she realizes my intentions
are not to just penetrate
her near the inner thigh
but rather her whole being from
head
to
toe.
I wish to be inside of her
underneath her skin
inside her brain
behind her eyes
in her taste buds
just as she is in mine.
I want her to stick around
for a very long time
maybe even one day we can
call each other mom and dad.
We will see though
once we hit the three month mark
whether this is true
or just infatuation
I can't wait for the results.
never before have I wanted to be
positive
for a disease spread from boy to girl
girl to boy
human to human
I want to be positive
for a four letter word.
let us
over react a little
vanity isn't always wrong
especially when shared with
someone like you.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

Last night I dreamed of you
we sat under a night sky
exploding with stars
like freckles
on the skin of my lover
and as we caressed one another
she spoke to me
"I love your curls"
so she played with my hair
as I ran my fingers
through her soft silky strands
angels never tasted so fine
as her kiss
like her smile.

Tasted delicious on my fingers

She awakens
asking why her underwear
is still on.
I tell her it was a rough night
and my leg isn't feeling
any better.
I should have just pulled them
down to her ankles
tossed them off the side
of the bed.
We were so trashed though
and sometimes I still
go back to my prime teachings
of times long gone
yet she likes it.
Earlier she'd said
how she still paid attention
to certain aspects of
Catholicism
after correcting me
on the proper
pronunciation of the word.
I then tell her that when I
date someone
I like to do the same.
She smiles
and says
"I'm glad you know what I meant."
I like the fact that we do it this way.
But how will I tell her
I'm not a fan of missionary?

Dreams of Sour

She was in my dream again last night. Sourgirl. I can't seem to shake her off, it's ridiculous. I was in South America going to a class there (?) which was in a sort of commercial spot with lot's of windows. A large group of us sat in for a sort of telling of rules and such. We were then asked to vacate in order for the next round of students to receive the same speech. I went outside and waited with the rest of the people, except that on my way out I saw Sourgirls best friend, that Asian woman. She was in all white, and didn't say a word to me. Outside the professor eventually came out and wanted to talk to me, said that two students had a problem with me being there, in particular D.Healy. I don't know why he'd have a problem, but I ended up finding and talking to him, apparently someone had been seeding lies in their group. I told him what had happened between Sourgirl and I, and he said it was very curious and that something similar had happened to another of his friends via Vigil, who was the perpetrator in my situation as well. He set off to look for her. The whole time I was looking for Sourgirl, I could feel her watching me, like she was near by...  At a point in time this gangster guy in his ghetto get up started hanging on to my back so he could hitch a ride in his skates, I eventually shook him off. We ended up going to some giant club with lot's of Womp Womp music, Healy entered but I didn't, I wasn't feeling it. There I saw the light show going on inside, as well as a multitude of people dancing. He'd gone in to look for her. I awoke.

My worry is that I haven't even been thinking about this woman and here she is, popping up in my dreams again. I don't know what to do short of a lobotomy to get her out of my head. What sucks is that every time I dream of her I am reminded of the stupidity surrounding the whole situation, but then again that is what happens when you fall for a junkie. I guess my subconscious misses her, but all in all I'm much happier not thinking about the could and should have been's. Sometimes though, I do wish that we could meet up, get over this shit, and move on. I hate waking up with her on my mind, I always feel so empty. I guess that's the feeling she leaves most people with though.

LIFE

I start school again soon. I will be finishing my AA. I will be taking care of myself, so that one day I am able to take care of my family. I want a family, I want children, I want a wife who will love me like I love her. I want LIFE.

I do

Dare I say I miss the touch
of the softness between your thighs
against my own
against the palm of my hand
I do.

Dare I say I miss the smell
of your beach dirty hair
against my nose
against our clothes
I do.

Dare I say I miss the feel
of your breath
against my chest
warm and steady, alive
I do.

Dare I say I care for you
more than I should
with all my heart
against everything my mind says
I do.

Dare I say I miss the fingers
running through my chest
through the hairs
rubbing my skin
I do.

Dare I say I like your face
the eyes that speak volumes
the smile the brightens my day
looking at my own
I do.

Dare I say that when you say I'm beautiful
my heart skips a beat
and my mind starts to race
and your lips seem more inviting
I do.

Dare I say that your way of being
makes me feel accompanied
like I'm not alone anymore
that life is worth one more breath
I do.

Your finger on the trigger

What kills me is that I can't keep your attention long enough. What kills me is that after you tell me all of these wonderful things you just toss me aside. What kills me is that I can't help but love you like I do. What kills me is that I knew from the beginning that this would happen. What kills me is that I knew. What kills me is that I knew. What kills me is that I knew.

BANG!

Incompetence kills

come around and show
the colors hidden under
intricate plumage.

friendship can be tough
when all they want
is to steal your light.

she wont admit it
but it's about time
that she brought with her

change of seasons
change of clothes
change of mindlessness

contradicting what is thought
continuing to expand
capillaries on the skin

she says she's afraid
she says she doesn't care
yet I am the only one

with heart ache
a flooded mind
aches in my stomach

but it's all right
nothing new here
just like a rerun

of an old television show
where the antagonists
keep showing up

and I ask myself
when will life change?
well my dear friend

seems like never
seems like always
seems like your change

is bound to come
but not yet
concrete is heavy

shoes are filled with it
sink into the waters
of what could and should have been.

Kinder

She wraps up tight
around me
and all I know
is that her skin
soft and sweet
is touching
all of me
from head to toe
wrapped up
in her
and it feels good
when her hand
rubs my chest
and her hair
tickles my arm
her bare legs
wrapped against mine
it feels whole
like the puzzle
is coming together
and with her swaying hips
rubbing herself against me
we fall asleep in the embrace.

Those moments

when hearing her say
she's always liked you

that makes the world

shine a little brighter.

Woman

Something about

the way her hair

smells

while we lay together

that keeps the calm

and thoughts

still

on the softness

of her freckles

as finger tips

slowly

cross her back

to her neck

on her head

running strands

between fingers

that caress her scalp

as she sleeps

snoring, yet

the sound lulls me

to the ether.

Ya know...

I would rather
hear the truth

Breathe, while you still can.

You see, the thing is that as human beings we are inherently needy. Be it for attention, a hug, someone to talk to, the friend to listen, to speak, to wait for. A lover, an enemy, a gruesome and dramatic stop or start. We all need some of these things in life. I have been lucky to find some if not all. Lately I had thought myself so lost, so unaccompanied, but it took a couple of friends, and some strange situations, to make me realize that I am not as alone as I once thought. These people, a bartender, a mother, and someone who befriended me just because. These three have made me feel something again besides despair and loneliness.

It's taken so long though, and even if I do feel enlightened at this moment in time, I'm afraid it's something I may loose again, because it's those people in life that let you know you are here, that there is a connection from within to the real world. That emotion.

Certainly one of the people I've grown fonder of is a friend. someone who I started hanging out with because I honestly felt alone, and she was willing to talk to me. This friend made a whole lot of difference, kept in touch, and even allowed me to inundate her txt in-box with rants and raves about emotional stuff that no one should have to deal with, especially when unwarranted. She's made me feel again though. After so long of not wanting to, and blocking every little bit of emotion out, I started feeling something again. I started to feel like someone enjoyed my company, enjoyed to listen to me, didn't brake me down, bring me down, tear at me with words. She listens, and I listen. She is a really good friend. I'm sorry if I've ever made her feel uncomfortable, but someone like this doesn't come around very often, and I'm pretty good at going over board most of the time.

It's certainly a change from sour girl. She was nice and made me happy, but within a month or two she became mean and tore at my ego, tearing me down and making me feel bad. That wasn't cool, and it's still causing issues... because I put so much trust in her, and I wanted to believe EVERYTHING she said. With Dibbs, it's not so. I have trust, but I've figured out to keep my distance. When I start getting too attached I withdraw myself. Because I don't know where she stands besides our friendship, and I don't want to ruin that because it's important to me. Even if something was to come out of this, this friendship, this great personal relationship we have and are building would be that base on which it is built.

Again though, I'm just jumping the gun there. Although it's so true. If I ever want something real with someone, that's how it's going to have to be. I'm not a party person anymore, I don't want to spend endless nights getting effed up and regretting it the next 3 days. I want to start settling down, start a family, and get to living. After all, who knows just how long I do have left. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want exactly out of life, and even though I'm sure that I'm not going to get it to the T as to what I want, I hope that I'm able to at least kind of find something along those lines.

Anyhow, I'm just glad to have had this reawakening. The pessimist within me said that it will surely pass, but I can only hope that I can make the headway to keep myself afloat long enough so that when the waves of depression come back again, I can keep my head above water.

Marilyn Manson - Dope Hat

I don't know how he does it... But this cat in the hat is always making too much sense to me.

Hungry?

Sometimes the mind
it plays dirty tricks
and it makes it all seem
the color rose.
In the end
it's the same as blood
spilling from the veins
of the lost and obtuse
onto a pavement
aching to be fed.

Hello in Pixels

Pixels
tiny little squares
of color
black and white
all meant to paint a picture
to convey ideas and thoughts.
We type the letters in
with our finger tips
crunching at little keys
trying to convey
what our heart desires
what our mind wishes to say
and it only takes a second
for it to travel
twenty
thirty
forty
one thousand miles.
Tiny little pixels
squares of information
ones and zero's
all making their way
across an empty span
full of electric information
all meant for just you and I.
And when they arrive
these pixels
tidbits of information
form an image
on our communicator screens
meant to inform
to convey
and share
what would be
something which
we'd like to hear
but are only able to convey
on the information
super
highway.
"Hello."
In pixels.
If only one could see
the lips shape themselves
tongue against teeth and pallet
as they purse into a kiss
in the air
for the wind
to the ear
of a listener who awaits to hear
"Hello"
in pixels.

Sand Covered Sheets

I look into her eyes
and I see the world.
It's as subtle as a kiss
formed on the lips
impulsed by muscles
all over the body
to touch rose petals
that speak such gentle
words.
Soft skin
like dew covered foliage
against my fingers
it feels so sweet
she seems so tender
and tastes so bright.
I caress her body
and cannot lie
that I ache to be inside
every inch of her
and her in mine
under my skin
crawling slowly
through the veins
and the arteries
from the brain
into every muscle group
every crevice
chemical stains
dopamine
norepinephrine
all leave a trail behind
just from the feel
of her softest kiss
skin which like braille
I read carefully
with my fingertips.
And it says
"Hello."

As much my story as it is yours.

outside of a bar
he tells her beautiful things
she shrugs
she smiles
it's not like she
hasn't heard them before
it's not like he
hasn't said them before
to others
from others
it's all the same really
one way or another
we all melt
to the feelings
like ice cream
to the hot summer sun
we spill on the pavement
and the ants
they all eat so well that day
coming by and rejoicing
on the sweetness that
the mammal has dropped
from it's mouth
it's all so much the same
but it always changes
she shrugs
he smiles
if something else could be said
it would be too much
she'd walk away
and think him strange
but
no but's
it's all downhill from there
at least until she's not afraid
to be held.

Fleeting?

If love is fleeting
then why does it stick
like shag carpet
to a strip of Velcro
every time
it comes around?

Like the time
that I fell for my
tequila queen
She still hounds dreams
and imagination.

Now I've felt the wind of
falling face first
onto the floor of emotion
but I keep catching
myself just as I'm about
to bust my face on the
linoleum.

Because I don't want a ghost
of a woman
to haunt me anymore.
Because there is no feeling
like no feeling at all.
It is peace.

(SELF) Sabotage

Video by
Beastie Boys - Sabotage


-(SELF) Sabotage-

Because things are too good
when your face isn't covered in dirt
because when you want to dance
nothing is going down
there isn't anywhere you can run
where you wont face your own sabotage
the places you've been
the facades you've seen
they all fall apart
and the world only makes sense
when you are neck deep
in the lost feeling
of self loathing
and destruction
Self Sabotage.
So fuck all the fakes
and burn all the bridges
because the world is fucked
and you are just another doll
waiting to be ripped
by the hellhound
sent to eat paper faces.

Absolutely Sweet Marie

George Harrison - Absolutely Sweet Marie

Run

Sun shines down on us
it is a hot day
the breeze keeps us cool
roaring waves move back and forth
keeping the mind at ease
we drink the nectar
sip by sip
our inhibitions
walled emotions
all slip away.

We talk all afternoon
from dark angels
to glistening grooves
which accentuate the day
making it linger
as we finger
at all the truths of decay.

Her skin glistens with the oil
she uses to darken herself
her figure is beautiful
skinny but not sickly
tight but not bony
she even has that gap
between her thighs
breasts full
soft
tender
and her lips

They are full
all of the time
my own ache just to
touch hers
like tender pillows
waiting for me
to crash
upon them
I would want my children
to have lips like hers
skin like hers
eyes like hers
dark silky hair like hers
even be crazy like her
because normality is obtuse
but she's right in every way.

Some say
time isn't linear.
That we can all be here today
and yesterday
even tomorrow
events crossing over years apart

So it's two years ago
Sourgirl is my main squeeze
and we are at a bar.
A woman
soft
gentle
keeps coming up to us
to chat
take pictures
say hello and share drinks
by the end of the night
Sour is gone
(mentally)
she's been flirting
with everyone she can
drinking tequila like it's
prohibition
I just let it slide
because in the end
we both go
home together.
Up comes this woman
full lips
and she whispers in my ear
as I hug her good-bye
"kiss me..."
what?
"kiss me right now..."
but her boyfriend
he's near by
and Sour stands not far
behind
I can't... I should have...
I walk away
always wondering what will be
of that kiss.

Two years later,
almost to the day
we are at the beach
her and I
Lips.
We've been talking for
hours
conversation hasn't run dry
it's still fun
we are drunk
and the sun shines down upon us.

We go to the beach house
meet up with friends
drinks are had
laughs
memories
we go to dinner
the whole time she's wearing
this tiny red dress over her
bathing suit.
She looks so good in it
she makes anything look good
even something like me
every time she's near.

As I walk into the restaurant
I hear her say
"I really like him..."
I sit down
grin on my face
ear to ear.
We eat and go for a walk
on the way she stops at a bar
"you've never seen
this side of me
let's stop for drinks
I'm thirsty here."
So we chill
I drink something
I didn't even pay attention
to when ordering
because I'm lost
in her.
It's vodka
I black out a  bit.

Back at the beach house
we decide to go for another dip
the water is chili
gusts of wind cool us off
slowly drying us.
We lay down on the beach
just for a few hours
I hold her
she says that I'm too close
but there is no reason
to back out now
so I wrap my arm
around her soft body
our warmth
we share.

We eventually go back
shower up
clean off the sand
get naked in public
her laughter exploding
as people pass by
we hide behind the wall.

Back in the house
we finish cleaning up
and after some cigarettes
we lay down in bed.
I caress her back
massage her shoulders
and as we lay near one another
continue to talk
about this
and that
the ways of the world
ex's that should be dead
or might be
because sometimes
it's like they wanna be.
every inch of her
is so soft.
every bit of her warm skin
I feel with my hands
I've gotten good
at reading braille this way

She lays her head
on my shoulder
and I scratch the back of it
until we both pass out
in the arms of sleep.

In one second

In a second a lot can happen
death
life
hello
goodbye
people fall in love
out of love
an argument starts
a war ends
all in one second.

It's all it took for her to say
good-bye
it's all it took to feel
that all familiar pain
void
tightness
revolting feeling.

One second.
Then why does it seem
like an eternity?

Treacherous Waters

It aches to think of loss
But it's worth it
just for a second of your love.

Soft Caress

It's so deranged
the way we pass
and hold hands
and trip over our
words
when we try to explain
why we have feelings
ideas
about one another

It's ok though
because it's not the first time
and it wont be the last
that we find something we want
we like
we enjoy about another human being
though this time
there is something about her lips
that crawls inside of me
and nestles into empty spots
filling what has been
left empty
for so long.

It's worth waiting for
it's worth
the soft touch
of her skin
smooth hair
warm breath
gentle words.

About Psychos

Last night I'm hanging out and the psycho ex-boyfriend of the girl sitting next to me starts blowing up my phone. Why? Because we had talked during the day earlier just bs'ing about my resume, like friends do. I got pretty pissed off, not at her, but at the asshole blowing up my phone. Although I felt that this was just something ridiculous and told her that she needed to get this guy off my back. There is no reason as to why he should be doing this, I'm not even fucking her. If I was, then I'd be all about it. He can call me all he wants, and I would tell him all the dirty shit I'd be doing to her... lolz... jk, not really, but still. That was just ridiculous. Psychopaths are a plenty out there, and last thing I need is even ONE of them seeing me as a bleep on their radar. Sick people are sick, and I want to stay away from that. I will miss talking to her, unfortunately she says we can't speak anymore. Thanks psycho ex-boyfriend, your mental illness wins yet again.

Come at me bro!

Thing is that I can't seem to ever get it right. No matter how hard I try or want to be with someone, it always fails. I'm destined to be alone, and die alone. I've come to terms with this. So now, since I have nothing to hold me back I say this to you world:

Come at me bro!

I shall have the last laugh.

On stealing a kiss

In my desire for you I find myself.
When your soft touch I covet,
it is my heart you'd soothe.
Knowing I'm not able
to keep your attention
rips me to the core.

If only I could hold you
and this shell wasn't broken,
and the future was taken care of,
maybe happiness we could find.
But this is my story
and seldom is there a happy ending.

So I bow to death,
so I bow to poverty,
and I welcome the bony touch
of the sick and the impure
for we are family
and you are gone.

You walk away because it's easier
you keep away because of us.
Sometimes I wish I'd never kissed you
maybe you'd still be around
but then I wouldn't know
the soft touch of rose petals to my lips.

On a dark Pantheon

Contemplating dreams
she crawls through my head
like the yellow fog of wars past
slowly killing off life
yet the moment her dead blue eyes
meet with mine
my heart still flutters
and I embrace her poisonous kiss
because when you love
it's forever.

When you can't think about what to say, music will speak for you.

Lily Allen - Fuck You!
For you, because you know who you are.

I awaken from a dream of you into a nightmare of sorts.

Since I last wrote two people have passed away due to drug overdose. This synthetic heroin is killing people. 3 weeks ago it was a woman in her mid to late twenties, I didn't really know her but I had met her on a few occasions, a passing face one can say. I did know her reputation though, and as sad as it was it's hard not to say that we all saw that one coming. Latest addition to the count was three days ago. Brother of a childhood friend, cousin of an old old friend. Passed away much too young, 21 years too young.

That was my news this morning, as I woke up from a dream with you again, sour girl. This time it was a bit different. We lay under a tree next to a lake, not together but with one another. Streams of air passing through the branches and leafs, I could see them as they made their way over the water up to us. Red was all over, and the roots of the tree which stretched out under us like protruding veins which softly dug into us. You spoke to me, told me that I deserved so much better and that life would give to me that which I worked for. Your voice resonated against me, a feeling which now in my waking life I miss. Hell, I miss everything about the dream, your eyes, your smile, the warmth of you. As quickly as the dream began, it ended. You disappeared off the face of the earth, much like you did in real life. Then I woke up, and received a call about a friend, who 21 years too young passed away from heroin overdose.

I hate it when things like this happen, when my mind brings you out and then I'm reminded as to why I made the effort to push you away. Well, I want one thing from life, and that is my peace with you, a sober from heroin you.

Marilyn Manson is still teaching me 20 years later.

I wish I hadn't strayed from my roots. All the hippie dippie shit is all cool and all, but honestly it's kind of empty, and not all the people are as nice as you'd like to believe. At least with goth and metal people aren't pretending to be something they are not, if they like you or not they will let you know. Besides, life is about ups and downs, not about peace and love all the time, that is a Utopian dream which will only stifle the growth from this cradle, the escape from these cages of social stigma and dogma. For those of you who knew me in the last 4 years, that part of me has been lied to, used, and treated like a slave. I'm done being nice, available, and loving all the time. It's about time fuckers earned the respect, love, and admiration I once gave so freely to all.

Trivial

As much as I want to share with you, there is nothing left inside.

Caesar

I'm thinking about starting this zine, it's going to be called "Caesar." I would like to get local writers to submit their work. Will be distributing the mag to many places in South Florida. Short stories, poems, thoughts. Making it a monthly would be cool. I wonder how many people might pick it up? Biggest thing would be finding a printer, but I think that doing it all black and white might be cool. Well, we'll see what happens. It's been 6 months in thought, I think it's time to realize this idea. Will post more as it comes through.