Palpitations

Gentle kisses on my face
hands smooth running
over my skin
her hot breath on my own
all of these things
stick inside my brain
making me ache
inside
for her.

Did you know?

He reads your emails.
Nothing is safe.

Four Letter Words

so often I think of the
things which I've done
that I knew would be
different
if only I'd taken time
to pay attention to what
was going on around me
instead of drifting off
into the spaces within
my mind
her eyes
lost in the moment.
but then I wouldn't know
what I do now, or how to look
for them,
signs.
hind sight is twenty twenty
they say.
knowing this I find that
Sour wasn't so sour
after all
and that my beach lover
is just trying to feel
me out for being either
someone seeking just sex
or an honest human being.
I certainly do hope that
she realizes my intentions
are not to just penetrate
her near the inner thigh
but rather her whole being from
head
to
toe.
I wish to be inside of her
underneath her skin
inside her brain
behind her eyes
in her taste buds
just as she is in mine.
I want her to stick around
for a very long time
maybe even one day we can
call each other mom and dad.
We will see though
once we hit the three month mark
whether this is true
or just infatuation
I can't wait for the results.
never before have I wanted to be
positive
for a disease spread from boy to girl
girl to boy
human to human
I want to be positive
for a four letter word.
let us
over react a little
vanity isn't always wrong
especially when shared with
someone like you.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

Last night I dreamed of you
we sat under a night sky
exploding with stars
like freckles
on the skin of my lover
and as we caressed one another
she spoke to me
"I love your curls"
so she played with my hair
as I ran my fingers
through her soft silky strands
angels never tasted so fine
as her kiss
like her smile.

Tasted delicious on my fingers

She awakens
asking why her underwear
is still on.
I tell her it was a rough night
and my leg isn't feeling
any better.
I should have just pulled them
down to her ankles
tossed them off the side
of the bed.
We were so trashed though
and sometimes I still
go back to my prime teachings
of times long gone
yet she likes it.
Earlier she'd said
how she still paid attention
to certain aspects of
Catholicism
after correcting me
on the proper
pronunciation of the word.
I then tell her that when I
date someone
I like to do the same.
She smiles
and says
"I'm glad you know what I meant."
I like the fact that we do it this way.
But how will I tell her
I'm not a fan of missionary?

Dreams of Sour

She was in my dream again last night. Sourgirl. I can't seem to shake her off, it's ridiculous. I was in South America going to a class there (?) which was in a sort of commercial spot with lot's of windows. A large group of us sat in for a sort of telling of rules and such. We were then asked to vacate in order for the next round of students to receive the same speech. I went outside and waited with the rest of the people, except that on my way out I saw Sourgirls best friend, that Asian woman. She was in all white, and didn't say a word to me. Outside the professor eventually came out and wanted to talk to me, said that two students had a problem with me being there, in particular D.Healy. I don't know why he'd have a problem, but I ended up finding and talking to him, apparently someone had been seeding lies in their group. I told him what had happened between Sourgirl and I, and he said it was very curious and that something similar had happened to another of his friends via Vigil, who was the perpetrator in my situation as well. He set off to look for her. The whole time I was looking for Sourgirl, I could feel her watching me, like she was near by...  At a point in time this gangster guy in his ghetto get up started hanging on to my back so he could hitch a ride in his skates, I eventually shook him off. We ended up going to some giant club with lot's of Womp Womp music, Healy entered but I didn't, I wasn't feeling it. There I saw the light show going on inside, as well as a multitude of people dancing. He'd gone in to look for her. I awoke.

My worry is that I haven't even been thinking about this woman and here she is, popping up in my dreams again. I don't know what to do short of a lobotomy to get her out of my head. What sucks is that every time I dream of her I am reminded of the stupidity surrounding the whole situation, but then again that is what happens when you fall for a junkie. I guess my subconscious misses her, but all in all I'm much happier not thinking about the could and should have been's. Sometimes though, I do wish that we could meet up, get over this shit, and move on. I hate waking up with her on my mind, I always feel so empty. I guess that's the feeling she leaves most people with though.

LIFE

I start school again soon. I will be finishing my AA. I will be taking care of myself, so that one day I am able to take care of my family. I want a family, I want children, I want a wife who will love me like I love her. I want LIFE.

I do

Dare I say I miss the touch
of the softness between your thighs
against my own
against the palm of my hand
I do.

Dare I say I miss the smell
of your beach dirty hair
against my nose
against our clothes
I do.

Dare I say I miss the feel
of your breath
against my chest
warm and steady, alive
I do.

Dare I say I care for you
more than I should
with all my heart
against everything my mind says
I do.

Dare I say I miss the fingers
running through my chest
through the hairs
rubbing my skin
I do.

Dare I say I like your face
the eyes that speak volumes
the smile the brightens my day
looking at my own
I do.

Dare I say that when you say I'm beautiful
my heart skips a beat
and my mind starts to race
and your lips seem more inviting
I do.

Dare I say that your way of being
makes me feel accompanied
like I'm not alone anymore
that life is worth one more breath
I do.

Your finger on the trigger

What kills me is that I can't keep your attention long enough. What kills me is that after you tell me all of these wonderful things you just toss me aside. What kills me is that I can't help but love you like I do. What kills me is that I knew from the beginning that this would happen. What kills me is that I knew. What kills me is that I knew. What kills me is that I knew.

BANG!

Incompetence kills

come around and show
the colors hidden under
intricate plumage.

friendship can be tough
when all they want
is to steal your light.

she wont admit it
but it's about time
that she brought with her

change of seasons
change of clothes
change of mindlessness

contradicting what is thought
continuing to expand
capillaries on the skin

she says she's afraid
she says she doesn't care
yet I am the only one

with heart ache
a flooded mind
aches in my stomach

but it's all right
nothing new here
just like a rerun

of an old television show
where the antagonists
keep showing up

and I ask myself
when will life change?
well my dear friend

seems like never
seems like always
seems like your change

is bound to come
but not yet
concrete is heavy

shoes are filled with it
sink into the waters
of what could and should have been.

Kinder

She wraps up tight
around me
and all I know
is that her skin
soft and sweet
is touching
all of me
from head to toe
wrapped up
in her
and it feels good
when her hand
rubs my chest
and her hair
tickles my arm
her bare legs
wrapped against mine
it feels whole
like the puzzle
is coming together
and with her swaying hips
rubbing herself against me
we fall asleep in the embrace.

Those moments

when hearing her say
she's always liked you

that makes the world

shine a little brighter.

Woman

Something about

the way her hair

smells

while we lay together

that keeps the calm

and thoughts

still

on the softness

of her freckles

as finger tips

slowly

cross her back

to her neck

on her head

running strands

between fingers

that caress her scalp

as she sleeps

snoring, yet

the sound lulls me

to the ether.

Ya know...

I would rather
hear the truth

Breathe, while you still can.

You see, the thing is that as human beings we are inherently needy. Be it for attention, a hug, someone to talk to, the friend to listen, to speak, to wait for. A lover, an enemy, a gruesome and dramatic stop or start. We all need some of these things in life. I have been lucky to find some if not all. Lately I had thought myself so lost, so unaccompanied, but it took a couple of friends, and some strange situations, to make me realize that I am not as alone as I once thought. These people, a bartender, a mother, and someone who befriended me just because. These three have made me feel something again besides despair and loneliness.

It's taken so long though, and even if I do feel enlightened at this moment in time, I'm afraid it's something I may loose again, because it's those people in life that let you know you are here, that there is a connection from within to the real world. That emotion.

Certainly one of the people I've grown fonder of is a friend. someone who I started hanging out with because I honestly felt alone, and she was willing to talk to me. This friend made a whole lot of difference, kept in touch, and even allowed me to inundate her txt in-box with rants and raves about emotional stuff that no one should have to deal with, especially when unwarranted. She's made me feel again though. After so long of not wanting to, and blocking every little bit of emotion out, I started feeling something again. I started to feel like someone enjoyed my company, enjoyed to listen to me, didn't brake me down, bring me down, tear at me with words. She listens, and I listen. She is a really good friend. I'm sorry if I've ever made her feel uncomfortable, but someone like this doesn't come around very often, and I'm pretty good at going over board most of the time.

It's certainly a change from sour girl. She was nice and made me happy, but within a month or two she became mean and tore at my ego, tearing me down and making me feel bad. That wasn't cool, and it's still causing issues... because I put so much trust in her, and I wanted to believe EVERYTHING she said. With Dibbs, it's not so. I have trust, but I've figured out to keep my distance. When I start getting too attached I withdraw myself. Because I don't know where she stands besides our friendship, and I don't want to ruin that because it's important to me. Even if something was to come out of this, this friendship, this great personal relationship we have and are building would be that base on which it is built.

Again though, I'm just jumping the gun there. Although it's so true. If I ever want something real with someone, that's how it's going to have to be. I'm not a party person anymore, I don't want to spend endless nights getting effed up and regretting it the next 3 days. I want to start settling down, start a family, and get to living. After all, who knows just how long I do have left. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want exactly out of life, and even though I'm sure that I'm not going to get it to the T as to what I want, I hope that I'm able to at least kind of find something along those lines.

Anyhow, I'm just glad to have had this reawakening. The pessimist within me said that it will surely pass, but I can only hope that I can make the headway to keep myself afloat long enough so that when the waves of depression come back again, I can keep my head above water.

Marilyn Manson - Dope Hat

I don't know how he does it... But this cat in the hat is always making too much sense to me.

Hungry?

Sometimes the mind
it plays dirty tricks
and it makes it all seem
the color rose.
In the end
it's the same as blood
spilling from the veins
of the lost and obtuse
onto a pavement
aching to be fed.

Hello in Pixels

Pixels
tiny little squares
of color
black and white
all meant to paint a picture
to convey ideas and thoughts.
We type the letters in
with our finger tips
crunching at little keys
trying to convey
what our heart desires
what our mind wishes to say
and it only takes a second
for it to travel
twenty
thirty
forty
one thousand miles.
Tiny little pixels
squares of information
ones and zero's
all making their way
across an empty span
full of electric information
all meant for just you and I.
And when they arrive
these pixels
tidbits of information
form an image
on our communicator screens
meant to inform
to convey
and share
what would be
something which
we'd like to hear
but are only able to convey
on the information
super
highway.
"Hello."
In pixels.
If only one could see
the lips shape themselves
tongue against teeth and pallet
as they purse into a kiss
in the air
for the wind
to the ear
of a listener who awaits to hear
"Hello"
in pixels.

Sand Covered Sheets

I look into her eyes
and I see the world.
It's as subtle as a kiss
formed on the lips
impulsed by muscles
all over the body
to touch rose petals
that speak such gentle
words.
Soft skin
like dew covered foliage
against my fingers
it feels so sweet
she seems so tender
and tastes so bright.
I caress her body
and cannot lie
that I ache to be inside
every inch of her
and her in mine
under my skin
crawling slowly
through the veins
and the arteries
from the brain
into every muscle group
every crevice
chemical stains
dopamine
norepinephrine
all leave a trail behind
just from the feel
of her softest kiss
skin which like braille
I read carefully
with my fingertips.
And it says
"Hello."

As much my story as it is yours.

outside of a bar
he tells her beautiful things
she shrugs
she smiles
it's not like she
hasn't heard them before
it's not like he
hasn't said them before
to others
from others
it's all the same really
one way or another
we all melt
to the feelings
like ice cream
to the hot summer sun
we spill on the pavement
and the ants
they all eat so well that day
coming by and rejoicing
on the sweetness that
the mammal has dropped
from it's mouth
it's all so much the same
but it always changes
she shrugs
he smiles
if something else could be said
it would be too much
she'd walk away
and think him strange
but
no but's
it's all downhill from there
at least until she's not afraid
to be held.

Fleeting?

If love is fleeting
then why does it stick
like shag carpet
to a strip of Velcro
every time
it comes around?

Like the time
that I fell for my
tequila queen
She still hounds dreams
and imagination.

Now I've felt the wind of
falling face first
onto the floor of emotion
but I keep catching
myself just as I'm about
to bust my face on the
linoleum.

Because I don't want a ghost
of a woman
to haunt me anymore.
Because there is no feeling
like no feeling at all.
It is peace.

(SELF) Sabotage

Video by
Beastie Boys - Sabotage


-(SELF) Sabotage-

Because things are too good
when your face isn't covered in dirt
because when you want to dance
nothing is going down
there isn't anywhere you can run
where you wont face your own sabotage
the places you've been
the facades you've seen
they all fall apart
and the world only makes sense
when you are neck deep
in the lost feeling
of self loathing
and destruction
Self Sabotage.
So fuck all the fakes
and burn all the bridges
because the world is fucked
and you are just another doll
waiting to be ripped
by the hellhound
sent to eat paper faces.

Absolutely Sweet Marie

George Harrison - Absolutely Sweet Marie

Run

Sun shines down on us
it is a hot day
the breeze keeps us cool
roaring waves move back and forth
keeping the mind at ease
we drink the nectar
sip by sip
our inhibitions
walled emotions
all slip away.

We talk all afternoon
from dark angels
to glistening grooves
which accentuate the day
making it linger
as we finger
at all the truths of decay.

Her skin glistens with the oil
she uses to darken herself
her figure is beautiful
skinny but not sickly
tight but not bony
she even has that gap
between her thighs
breasts full
soft
tender
and her lips

They are full
all of the time
my own ache just to
touch hers
like tender pillows
waiting for me
to crash
upon them
I would want my children
to have lips like hers
skin like hers
eyes like hers
dark silky hair like hers
even be crazy like her
because normality is obtuse
but she's right in every way.

Some say
time isn't linear.
That we can all be here today
and yesterday
even tomorrow
events crossing over years apart

So it's two years ago
Sourgirl is my main squeeze
and we are at a bar.
A woman
soft
gentle
keeps coming up to us
to chat
take pictures
say hello and share drinks
by the end of the night
Sour is gone
(mentally)
she's been flirting
with everyone she can
drinking tequila like it's
prohibition
I just let it slide
because in the end
we both go
home together.
Up comes this woman
full lips
and she whispers in my ear
as I hug her good-bye
"kiss me..."
what?
"kiss me right now..."
but her boyfriend
he's near by
and Sour stands not far
behind
I can't... I should have...
I walk away
always wondering what will be
of that kiss.

Two years later,
almost to the day
we are at the beach
her and I
Lips.
We've been talking for
hours
conversation hasn't run dry
it's still fun
we are drunk
and the sun shines down upon us.

We go to the beach house
meet up with friends
drinks are had
laughs
memories
we go to dinner
the whole time she's wearing
this tiny red dress over her
bathing suit.
She looks so good in it
she makes anything look good
even something like me
every time she's near.

As I walk into the restaurant
I hear her say
"I really like him..."
I sit down
grin on my face
ear to ear.
We eat and go for a walk
on the way she stops at a bar
"you've never seen
this side of me
let's stop for drinks
I'm thirsty here."
So we chill
I drink something
I didn't even pay attention
to when ordering
because I'm lost
in her.
It's vodka
I black out a  bit.

Back at the beach house
we decide to go for another dip
the water is chili
gusts of wind cool us off
slowly drying us.
We lay down on the beach
just for a few hours
I hold her
she says that I'm too close
but there is no reason
to back out now
so I wrap my arm
around her soft body
our warmth
we share.

We eventually go back
shower up
clean off the sand
get naked in public
her laughter exploding
as people pass by
we hide behind the wall.

Back in the house
we finish cleaning up
and after some cigarettes
we lay down in bed.
I caress her back
massage her shoulders
and as we lay near one another
continue to talk
about this
and that
the ways of the world
ex's that should be dead
or might be
because sometimes
it's like they wanna be.
every inch of her
is so soft.
every bit of her warm skin
I feel with my hands
I've gotten good
at reading braille this way

She lays her head
on my shoulder
and I scratch the back of it
until we both pass out
in the arms of sleep.

In one second

In a second a lot can happen
death
life
hello
goodbye
people fall in love
out of love
an argument starts
a war ends
all in one second.

It's all it took for her to say
good-bye
it's all it took to feel
that all familiar pain
void
tightness
revolting feeling.

One second.
Then why does it seem
like an eternity?

Treacherous Waters

It aches to think of loss
But it's worth it
just for a second of your love.

Soft Caress

It's so deranged
the way we pass
and hold hands
and trip over our
words
when we try to explain
why we have feelings
ideas
about one another

It's ok though
because it's not the first time
and it wont be the last
that we find something we want
we like
we enjoy about another human being
though this time
there is something about her lips
that crawls inside of me
and nestles into empty spots
filling what has been
left empty
for so long.

It's worth waiting for
it's worth
the soft touch
of her skin
smooth hair
warm breath
gentle words.

About Psychos

Last night I'm hanging out and the psycho ex-boyfriend of the girl sitting next to me starts blowing up my phone. Why? Because we had talked during the day earlier just bs'ing about my resume, like friends do. I got pretty pissed off, not at her, but at the asshole blowing up my phone. Although I felt that this was just something ridiculous and told her that she needed to get this guy off my back. There is no reason as to why he should be doing this, I'm not even fucking her. If I was, then I'd be all about it. He can call me all he wants, and I would tell him all the dirty shit I'd be doing to her... lolz... jk, not really, but still. That was just ridiculous. Psychopaths are a plenty out there, and last thing I need is even ONE of them seeing me as a bleep on their radar. Sick people are sick, and I want to stay away from that. I will miss talking to her, unfortunately she says we can't speak anymore. Thanks psycho ex-boyfriend, your mental illness wins yet again.

Come at me bro!

Thing is that I can't seem to ever get it right. No matter how hard I try or want to be with someone, it always fails. I'm destined to be alone, and die alone. I've come to terms with this. So now, since I have nothing to hold me back I say this to you world:

Come at me bro!

I shall have the last laugh.