Excuses are cheap

I'm achy but feeling a lot better. I am reminded of something someone once said to me:

"what i meant by saying you need to be more of an asshole, is that you are already too lovable, floating along, so you, like me, are a bit of a doormat. people take advantage, and we both think people have good intentions. when in the end, it is not the case, so by standing up, saying no sometimes, putting your foot down, thats what i mean by being more of an asshole. kinda being facetious, cos it seems that only assholes and douchebags, those that unfairly compete for life's resources, are the ones that make it. hence, if we become more like assholes, maybe we will run amok and can start driving hummers and make soap outta our lipo and tit jobs." - Anon

How right they were. I am sometimes lost in so many thoughts that I forget about this, and this is the most important part of it all. Damn it, I hate it when you are right.

On SourGirls' and their need to numb away the pain.

Drugs have done all sort of things in my life. Above all it has made me realize that feeling is more important than anything, even if it does hurt, even if it does pain my soul. It's much better than being some zombie that doesn't feel a thing. My emotions make sense, they are there for a reason. I will always remember SourGirl telling me "why do you have to tell people how you feel? Keep that to yourself." Well, because it made sense. Because it was reality, it was something tangible in a world full of lost and confused souls. I wont deny myself feeling again. You, SourGirl, numbed yourself in order to not feel the pain of a past love, or something. Stop pushing it on others, just because you didn't want to feel SHIT, doesn't mean others deserve/need to be as miserable as you. I'd rather feel sad, happy, anything at all. Because it's these things that make us feel ALIVE. These are just some of the things that I've learned.

On involuntary addiction...

Coming off of opiates sucks. I feel tense, I've got a head ache, I feel depressed as shit, antsy, I keep sweating bullets randomly, and to top it off it makes me look like total shit. I've got bags under my eyes, and I get random shakes. It's just shitty. I moos def know why people get hooked to the shit, because it makes everything and anything bearable, I could hate myself to no end and still feel wonderful. No wonder so many people loose themselves to this, and loose so much sleep. The worst part of it all is the nightmares. I keep having them every night and they are not very nice. Heres to another day, another fight.

Letters to Wigglytuff

Early in the morning, its music that keeps my soul from exploding into a million fractels, each numbed away by the medicine, confused by the dope. I get lost in my own mind, where i find you and grab yer hand while we run out into the light. Wind hitting our faces, branches of memories slapping me accross mine as reminders of the past we leave behind. This is a new path, a new way. Your kiss intoxicates me in my dreams so,that in real life it will knock me into a frenzy of lip to hip movement and traveling hands. My mind struggles to keep up with your kiss, with your caress. As the sky light burns our skin, it etches the profile of the other on each other, we feel the edges of our faces rub up against one another and our soft lips bite hard as our ecstacy bursts through our clothes and the sweat beads mix into one glorious pool at the bottom of everything.

Shaggtastic

I still have a problem
I love too easily
and it kills me
every time
because when I find someone
who I find worth while
I give myself fully
and don't hold back
the whole time
I am just setting myself up
for a let down
for pain
for them to twist and destroy
everything that I gave to them
and somehow I find this to be ok
somehow I get the point across
that my heart is theirs
and that no matter what
I will always be there
no matter how many times
they trample me.

I am a rug.
I am a lover.
I am a looser.
Why even bother.

And it scares me

I don't know if I should run to you
or from you

I feel so much better.

Saturday. Third day after spine xlif surgery. I can feel the difference. My pain is gone, the only remains are those from the surgery itself. It feels great. The drugs are helping too, but I can tell you that the pains I felt before are gone, the weakness in my legs, the numbness. It's almost like being born again. After 2 years of pain and trying to manage, I'm glad to have found a solution. Next: the road to recovery.

*smooches*

Your kind of intoxicating.
You've made me glow
It's the thought
of your kiss
and sweet words
uttered from your lips
"again, kiss me again"
That I wish to feel
to hear
as your soft caress whispers
a warm breath onto my neck
onto my ear
and just so
the two of us lay together
basking in the afterglow
of our moonlight sonata
a reprise of
our revisal
to the feel of each others skin.

Intricate, but quite simple.

no matter how hard I try to play it cool
I can't do it when you are on my mind
because i let myself get loose
and feel everything that involves you
i am a feeble looser
in the game of loving you
every time i try to play
is a time i fall for you

Letters to Mudkips

Thinking of your voice. I want to kiss those lips which speak to me so sweetly. Caress your skin, for which mine screams in such a way that my pores themselves ache for you.

Less Than Three

I love you and I'm not afraid to say it.
You love me and you are not afraid to say it.

Life is good.

Love, Pain, Alone.

Sometimes I get tired of pretending everything is alright. That all of the people I know are wonderful and that the world is full of well meaning human beings who I have yet to meet. I often forget about the deceit, the lies, the cold shoulders that people whom I once called brother or sister have given me. It's the lack of enthusiasm to be cheated, to be used and thrown away that makes me want to crawl into a roach hotel to never come out again. It's the luster of the shit they sell that turns me off, the obvious smell of their lascivious mental encounters with the idea of fucking you over, it's what gets them off. Sick minds pay no attention to the suffering of the human spirit, it is easier to trample than it is to nurture, therefore the amount of humans who would rather see you eating dirt is greater than that of those who wish to actually help their fellow man or woman.

It's here that I find myself. Lost in thought within the crevices of my mind. Wondering what it was that made Sour Girl so sour. Was it the shitty human relations she had? Or was she just born to be a user and abuser herself. I may never know, and that is ok because some things are best left unknown.

It's here that I find myself. Wondering alone amongst the ghosts of memories. Compelled to reach out and say hello to old friends, but always reminded of their paper faces which make me quickly turn away.

I was reading over my last post, and I noticed that with the words Pain and Love you create Alone. Without the first two, the latter is non existent. It's as if language itself is telling us that to love and feel pain is the path to being alone. Because no one wants anything more than to love, and that love we all yearn for so much will undoubtedly cause pain. Once you feel that pain you realize that you have two options: You can continue to love and feel pain, or you can be alone, devoid of both, yet having such an understanding that one would purposely stray from such things in order to save thine own self.

My only wish is to find a woman who will not cheat me, lie to me, live in deceit, but a woman who will respect me as I respect her, be honest, loving, and understanding. Someone with a heart, as I am tired of meeting heartless little girls who play the strings of my heart like harp only to snap them and crush it under their feet. I certainly hope that she is the one, because I haven't met anyone who shares the kind of things we share, and thats only scratching the surface.

As When Turns Into If

As when turns into if
the morning dew
sprinkled so lightly
rusts away at the promise
often made but always forgotten
to keep my head up
and let the tears roll off
without worrying about them.


It's hard to ignore
when they land on wounds
so fresh and open
that it stings
salty and abundant
like the ocean
they drown me.

It's because I let myself
fall into rough seas
holding on to nothing
expecting the waters to keep me
to drown me out and forget
that we ever existed.

Because I am forgotten
because my "friends" walk away
because no one wants to help
when you are lost in your pain
and the only thing to do
is wince at the cold shoulders.

More painful than a broken back
and busted dreams.

As when turns into if
I feel her slipping away
and it's ok
because nothing is meant to last
only pain is eternal
only love is eternal
only alone is eternal.

You forget about the good times
because it's a hindrance.
You forget about the bad times
because they remind you
that you are alive.
Forget,
because it's the human thing to do.