Ya know...

I would rather
hear the truth

Breathe, while you still can.

You see, the thing is that as human beings we are inherently needy. Be it for attention, a hug, someone to talk to, the friend to listen, to speak, to wait for. A lover, an enemy, a gruesome and dramatic stop or start. We all need some of these things in life. I have been lucky to find some if not all. Lately I had thought myself so lost, so unaccompanied, but it took a couple of friends, and some strange situations, to make me realize that I am not as alone as I once thought. These people, a bartender, a mother, and someone who befriended me just because. These three have made me feel something again besides despair and loneliness.

It's taken so long though, and even if I do feel enlightened at this moment in time, I'm afraid it's something I may loose again, because it's those people in life that let you know you are here, that there is a connection from within to the real world. That emotion.

Certainly one of the people I've grown fonder of is a friend. someone who I started hanging out with because I honestly felt alone, and she was willing to talk to me. This friend made a whole lot of difference, kept in touch, and even allowed me to inundate her txt in-box with rants and raves about emotional stuff that no one should have to deal with, especially when unwarranted. She's made me feel again though. After so long of not wanting to, and blocking every little bit of emotion out, I started feeling something again. I started to feel like someone enjoyed my company, enjoyed to listen to me, didn't brake me down, bring me down, tear at me with words. She listens, and I listen. She is a really good friend. I'm sorry if I've ever made her feel uncomfortable, but someone like this doesn't come around very often, and I'm pretty good at going over board most of the time.

It's certainly a change from sour girl. She was nice and made me happy, but within a month or two she became mean and tore at my ego, tearing me down and making me feel bad. That wasn't cool, and it's still causing issues... because I put so much trust in her, and I wanted to believe EVERYTHING she said. With Dibbs, it's not so. I have trust, but I've figured out to keep my distance. When I start getting too attached I withdraw myself. Because I don't know where she stands besides our friendship, and I don't want to ruin that because it's important to me. Even if something was to come out of this, this friendship, this great personal relationship we have and are building would be that base on which it is built.

Again though, I'm just jumping the gun there. Although it's so true. If I ever want something real with someone, that's how it's going to have to be. I'm not a party person anymore, I don't want to spend endless nights getting effed up and regretting it the next 3 days. I want to start settling down, start a family, and get to living. After all, who knows just how long I do have left. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want exactly out of life, and even though I'm sure that I'm not going to get it to the T as to what I want, I hope that I'm able to at least kind of find something along those lines.

Anyhow, I'm just glad to have had this reawakening. The pessimist within me said that it will surely pass, but I can only hope that I can make the headway to keep myself afloat long enough so that when the waves of depression come back again, I can keep my head above water.

Marilyn Manson - Dope Hat

I don't know how he does it... But this cat in the hat is always making too much sense to me.

Hungry?

Sometimes the mind
it plays dirty tricks
and it makes it all seem
the color rose.
In the end
it's the same as blood
spilling from the veins
of the lost and obtuse
onto a pavement
aching to be fed.

Hello in Pixels

Pixels
tiny little squares
of color
black and white
all meant to paint a picture
to convey ideas and thoughts.
We type the letters in
with our finger tips
crunching at little keys
trying to convey
what our heart desires
what our mind wishes to say
and it only takes a second
for it to travel
twenty
thirty
forty
one thousand miles.
Tiny little pixels
squares of information
ones and zero's
all making their way
across an empty span
full of electric information
all meant for just you and I.
And when they arrive
these pixels
tidbits of information
form an image
on our communicator screens
meant to inform
to convey
and share
what would be
something which
we'd like to hear
but are only able to convey
on the information
super
highway.
"Hello."
In pixels.
If only one could see
the lips shape themselves
tongue against teeth and pallet
as they purse into a kiss
in the air
for the wind
to the ear
of a listener who awaits to hear
"Hello"
in pixels.

Sand Covered Sheets

I look into her eyes
and I see the world.
It's as subtle as a kiss
formed on the lips
impulsed by muscles
all over the body
to touch rose petals
that speak such gentle
words.
Soft skin
like dew covered foliage
against my fingers
it feels so sweet
she seems so tender
and tastes so bright.
I caress her body
and cannot lie
that I ache to be inside
every inch of her
and her in mine
under my skin
crawling slowly
through the veins
and the arteries
from the brain
into every muscle group
every crevice
chemical stains
dopamine
norepinephrine
all leave a trail behind
just from the feel
of her softest kiss
skin which like braille
I read carefully
with my fingertips.
And it says
"Hello."

As much my story as it is yours.

outside of a bar
he tells her beautiful things
she shrugs
she smiles
it's not like she
hasn't heard them before
it's not like he
hasn't said them before
to others
from others
it's all the same really
one way or another
we all melt
to the feelings
like ice cream
to the hot summer sun
we spill on the pavement
and the ants
they all eat so well that day
coming by and rejoicing
on the sweetness that
the mammal has dropped
from it's mouth
it's all so much the same
but it always changes
she shrugs
he smiles
if something else could be said
it would be too much
she'd walk away
and think him strange
but
no but's
it's all downhill from there
at least until she's not afraid
to be held.

Fleeting?

If love is fleeting
then why does it stick
like shag carpet
to a strip of Velcro
every time
it comes around?

Like the time
that I fell for my
tequila queen
She still hounds dreams
and imagination.

Now I've felt the wind of
falling face first
onto the floor of emotion
but I keep catching
myself just as I'm about
to bust my face on the
linoleum.

Because I don't want a ghost
of a woman
to haunt me anymore.
Because there is no feeling
like no feeling at all.
It is peace.

(SELF) Sabotage

Video by
Beastie Boys - Sabotage


-(SELF) Sabotage-

Because things are too good
when your face isn't covered in dirt
because when you want to dance
nothing is going down
there isn't anywhere you can run
where you wont face your own sabotage
the places you've been
the facades you've seen
they all fall apart
and the world only makes sense
when you are neck deep
in the lost feeling
of self loathing
and destruction
Self Sabotage.
So fuck all the fakes
and burn all the bridges
because the world is fucked
and you are just another doll
waiting to be ripped
by the hellhound
sent to eat paper faces.

Absolutely Sweet Marie

George Harrison - Absolutely Sweet Marie

Run

Sun shines down on us
it is a hot day
the breeze keeps us cool
roaring waves move back and forth
keeping the mind at ease
we drink the nectar
sip by sip
our inhibitions
walled emotions
all slip away.

We talk all afternoon
from dark angels
to glistening grooves
which accentuate the day
making it linger
as we finger
at all the truths of decay.

Her skin glistens with the oil
she uses to darken herself
her figure is beautiful
skinny but not sickly
tight but not bony
she even has that gap
between her thighs
breasts full
soft
tender
and her lips

They are full
all of the time
my own ache just to
touch hers
like tender pillows
waiting for me
to crash
upon them
I would want my children
to have lips like hers
skin like hers
eyes like hers
dark silky hair like hers
even be crazy like her
because normality is obtuse
but she's right in every way.

Some say
time isn't linear.
That we can all be here today
and yesterday
even tomorrow
events crossing over years apart

So it's two years ago
Sourgirl is my main squeeze
and we are at a bar.
A woman
soft
gentle
keeps coming up to us
to chat
take pictures
say hello and share drinks
by the end of the night
Sour is gone
(mentally)
she's been flirting
with everyone she can
drinking tequila like it's
prohibition
I just let it slide
because in the end
we both go
home together.
Up comes this woman
full lips
and she whispers in my ear
as I hug her good-bye
"kiss me..."
what?
"kiss me right now..."
but her boyfriend
he's near by
and Sour stands not far
behind
I can't... I should have...
I walk away
always wondering what will be
of that kiss.

Two years later,
almost to the day
we are at the beach
her and I
Lips.
We've been talking for
hours
conversation hasn't run dry
it's still fun
we are drunk
and the sun shines down upon us.

We go to the beach house
meet up with friends
drinks are had
laughs
memories
we go to dinner
the whole time she's wearing
this tiny red dress over her
bathing suit.
She looks so good in it
she makes anything look good
even something like me
every time she's near.

As I walk into the restaurant
I hear her say
"I really like him..."
I sit down
grin on my face
ear to ear.
We eat and go for a walk
on the way she stops at a bar
"you've never seen
this side of me
let's stop for drinks
I'm thirsty here."
So we chill
I drink something
I didn't even pay attention
to when ordering
because I'm lost
in her.
It's vodka
I black out a  bit.

Back at the beach house
we decide to go for another dip
the water is chili
gusts of wind cool us off
slowly drying us.
We lay down on the beach
just for a few hours
I hold her
she says that I'm too close
but there is no reason
to back out now
so I wrap my arm
around her soft body
our warmth
we share.

We eventually go back
shower up
clean off the sand
get naked in public
her laughter exploding
as people pass by
we hide behind the wall.

Back in the house
we finish cleaning up
and after some cigarettes
we lay down in bed.
I caress her back
massage her shoulders
and as we lay near one another
continue to talk
about this
and that
the ways of the world
ex's that should be dead
or might be
because sometimes
it's like they wanna be.
every inch of her
is so soft.
every bit of her warm skin
I feel with my hands
I've gotten good
at reading braille this way

She lays her head
on my shoulder
and I scratch the back of it
until we both pass out
in the arms of sleep.

In one second

In a second a lot can happen
death
life
hello
goodbye
people fall in love
out of love
an argument starts
a war ends
all in one second.

It's all it took for her to say
good-bye
it's all it took to feel
that all familiar pain
void
tightness
revolting feeling.

One second.
Then why does it seem
like an eternity?

Treacherous Waters

It aches to think of loss
But it's worth it
just for a second of your love.