My laptop has crashed. It will not turn on. It is officially DEAD.
5 years plus of writing, journals, and just random stuff all gone. I stopped using it so much, hence why I haven't been writing like I should in here, but the other day I went to turn it on and... nothing. Not even a boot screen, just darkness.
Well, the last time I made a back up was like 6 months ago, or sometime before all of this medical shit started. Somewhere around there. So much happened, though I wonder if it's just better that these memories/proofs of life then are gone now. Might be much better off this way.
Short stories, poems, among other play things. A constant work in progress. Forever changing.
09 December 2010
08 December 2010
Life and Death
I had a thought today:
As a hopeless romantic, when I die it will be much like the way I came into this world.
At night.
Alone.
All due to a series of unfortunate events, stemming from a womans love.
And it's alright.
As a hopeless romantic, when I die it will be much like the way I came into this world.
At night.
Alone.
All due to a series of unfortunate events, stemming from a womans love.
And it's alright.
Mitigation in my mind
Days like today, nothing matters.
I feel dead, tired, over worked.
Yet, nothing has happened.
Nothing, again.
If one expects change, one should create it. Right?
Every time I deal with the world,
The world bites back.
Every time I deal with people,
I see the ugly faces pop up again and again.
Addiction,
Sexual,
Or chemical,
It's all the same really.
A need for people to forget.
I keep running into these two demons,
Over and over again.
All I want is some peace of mind,
Knowing that you wont walk away
To get high on dope
Or be with someone else.
Just be there
As I would for you.
But no
It's never like that.
There are always preconceptions
Of notions meant to alleviate your "pain."
Don't you know though,
That through your actions
You end up hurting everyone around you?
Here I am,
Another day with nothing to do.
I'm a little glad,
Somewhat sad,
But still I'm here
And there is nothing pulling me down
Except me.
I feel dead, tired, over worked.
Yet, nothing has happened.
Nothing, again.
If one expects change, one should create it. Right?
Every time I deal with the world,
The world bites back.
Every time I deal with people,
I see the ugly faces pop up again and again.
Addiction,
Sexual,
Or chemical,
It's all the same really.
A need for people to forget.
I keep running into these two demons,
Over and over again.
All I want is some peace of mind,
Knowing that you wont walk away
To get high on dope
Or be with someone else.
Just be there
As I would for you.
But no
It's never like that.
There are always preconceptions
Of notions meant to alleviate your "pain."
Don't you know though,
That through your actions
You end up hurting everyone around you?
Here I am,
Another day with nothing to do.
I'm a little glad,
Somewhat sad,
But still I'm here
And there is nothing pulling me down
Except me.
06 December 2010
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Respect
Where has it gone? Who has it anymore? I for one do not understand where I went wrong, or if I event went wrong at all.
Get a call from a girl, whom I fancy, and she wants to hang out! I'm like "swell, of course I'll hang out!" So she meets me at her friends house, where I meet some pretty ok people. From there, we chat, we all go through our motions and our arbitrary conversations where we get to know one another. Things seem very well.
Suddenly, a group of people show up delivering the blues... not the music, but the substance that South Florida seems to be so infatuated with. She changes. She starts talking to their driver, and begins to ask me if I can score some pot for her. Sure, I say. I try, but come up dry. "Oh, I have some at home, we can just go pick it up real quick..." He says.
About an hour passes. A twenty minute thing has turned into much longer. I don't know what to think, I'm tired of just chatting it up with people whom I don't know. I'm done. I pick up my shit, and leave.
She wanted to spend the night, so she says. She wanted to hang out and talk, so she says. Then why leave me with a group of total strangers as you go off ridding with some schmuck. I don't get it. No respect, as a great comedian once put it. No fucking respect.
Don't tell me you want to hang out, then leave me to go "chill" with someone else. Don't tell me you wanted to be with me, when you leave me for some guy who just turned up. What am I, chopped liver? I just don't get it.
There is no respect left, there is no real understanding of people left. It's only garbage, or so it seems. Bob Dylan once said something along the lines of send me someone who is not a fucked up person, and I will give my life to you. How right he is, to this day.
What happened to respect.
Where has it gone? Who has it anymore? I for one do not understand where I went wrong, or if I event went wrong at all.
Get a call from a girl, whom I fancy, and she wants to hang out! I'm like "swell, of course I'll hang out!" So she meets me at her friends house, where I meet some pretty ok people. From there, we chat, we all go through our motions and our arbitrary conversations where we get to know one another. Things seem very well.
Suddenly, a group of people show up delivering the blues... not the music, but the substance that South Florida seems to be so infatuated with. She changes. She starts talking to their driver, and begins to ask me if I can score some pot for her. Sure, I say. I try, but come up dry. "Oh, I have some at home, we can just go pick it up real quick..." He says.
About an hour passes. A twenty minute thing has turned into much longer. I don't know what to think, I'm tired of just chatting it up with people whom I don't know. I'm done. I pick up my shit, and leave.
She wanted to spend the night, so she says. She wanted to hang out and talk, so she says. Then why leave me with a group of total strangers as you go off ridding with some schmuck. I don't get it. No respect, as a great comedian once put it. No fucking respect.
Don't tell me you want to hang out, then leave me to go "chill" with someone else. Don't tell me you wanted to be with me, when you leave me for some guy who just turned up. What am I, chopped liver? I just don't get it.
There is no respect left, there is no real understanding of people left. It's only garbage, or so it seems. Bob Dylan once said something along the lines of send me someone who is not a fucked up person, and I will give my life to you. How right he is, to this day.
What happened to respect.
04 December 2010
I saw you last night
Again with this. Stay out of my dreams. How is it you manage to get in there. I don't even want you there, I don't even think you belong there. My own body wakes up after feeling you crawling through my head.
02 December 2010
30 November 2010
Late night thoughts after a night of drinking.
Tonight I was hanging out with some good friends, had a really good time. Had a chance to see life from a different perspective, and it was good. Yeah, thats kind of cookie cutter, but hell... if I told you everything then there wouldn't be any mystery!
I did learn something tonight though, and that is to not let things get to you. Because no matter what happens, there is always something different going on.
I shouldn't let stupid medial bullshit get to me as much as I do. It's silly, really. Something I can always count on is the fact that life will change, no matter what. I wish things could have been different in the past, but these things happened for a reason. Whether it was to teach me or them, they happened. It's just learning to let them be that is the hard part.
Life is wacky, and there is nothing that one can do about it.
I hope soon I'll have something more to write about. I've been thinking about the things that go in the world around me, and I want to write about them. I will, whether it's one thing or another, I will. Because our world is a strange place, and very strange things happen. This is why I wanted to be a journalist anyhow, to explore the world around me and make a note of it, in order of future generations to understand and exploit, so that they may know what the world is like, and know what to do and not to do.
On that note, I leave you.
I did learn something tonight though, and that is to not let things get to you. Because no matter what happens, there is always something different going on.
I shouldn't let stupid medial bullshit get to me as much as I do. It's silly, really. Something I can always count on is the fact that life will change, no matter what. I wish things could have been different in the past, but these things happened for a reason. Whether it was to teach me or them, they happened. It's just learning to let them be that is the hard part.
Life is wacky, and there is nothing that one can do about it.
I hope soon I'll have something more to write about. I've been thinking about the things that go in the world around me, and I want to write about them. I will, whether it's one thing or another, I will. Because our world is a strange place, and very strange things happen. This is why I wanted to be a journalist anyhow, to explore the world around me and make a note of it, in order of future generations to understand and exploit, so that they may know what the world is like, and know what to do and not to do.
On that note, I leave you.
26 November 2010
Slow month is slow
It's been a slow month. Guess video games have been taking up a lot of my time. Theres nothing else to do at the moment, I think I may have already talked about this on here, but whatever.
My desktop has a bunch of alt art pictures that are always rotating, I kind of wish I could be as awesome at drawing as these people seem to be. I can't even draw stick figures right.
If you want to know more about Alt-Art, click HERE
My desktop has a bunch of alt art pictures that are always rotating, I kind of wish I could be as awesome at drawing as these people seem to be. I can't even draw stick figures right.
If you want to know more about Alt-Art, click HERE
23 November 2010
Today I felt like I had failed you, failed me.
Today I felt like I had failed you, failed me.
It's ok though, things happen the way they do for a reason. People are easily manipulated, and do the things they do. I was always true to my word, and that much gives me the peace of mind that I need.
Still though, I feel like I failed you.
Because I wanted to save you, and it never occured to me that you didn't want to be saved. That you were happy with the needle in your vein. How vain of me to think that I could change your mind.
Still though, I feel like I failed me.
Because I wanted to keep something for myself, that was beyond grasp and beyond understanding. There were moments that we spent that I will never forget, like laying naked in your bed holding one another.
Still though, I feel like I failed.
Because it's not easy to forget you, and as hard as I try, you always come back to haunt my thoughts, when I am reminded of all the addicts I've known, I just don't understand how I didn't see it in your eyes sooner.
Still though...
It's ok though, things happen the way they do for a reason. People are easily manipulated, and do the things they do. I was always true to my word, and that much gives me the peace of mind that I need.
Still though, I feel like I failed you.
Because I wanted to save you, and it never occured to me that you didn't want to be saved. That you were happy with the needle in your vein. How vain of me to think that I could change your mind.
Still though, I feel like I failed me.
Because I wanted to keep something for myself, that was beyond grasp and beyond understanding. There were moments that we spent that I will never forget, like laying naked in your bed holding one another.
Still though, I feel like I failed.
Because it's not easy to forget you, and as hard as I try, you always come back to haunt my thoughts, when I am reminded of all the addicts I've known, I just don't understand how I didn't see it in your eyes sooner.
Still though...
Cellophane Skin
Curtains drawn,
but it's all the same,
when you look
into a burlesque anyway.
Don't make a sound,
it's time for a round
of my favorite cognac
which we sip so quietly.
With
and without
the thunder of night,
dwindling fright
seeps from their eyes.
Come take a walk through
a new comers door.
See the blazing frame
wrap up what is left
of what once was humane.
but it's all the same,
when you look
into a burlesque anyway.
Don't make a sound,
it's time for a round
of my favorite cognac
which we sip so quietly.
With
and without
the thunder of night,
dwindling fright
seeps from their eyes.
Come take a walk through
a new comers door.
See the blazing frame
wrap up what is left
of what once was humane.
22 November 2010
Complicated
Her curly hair washed over her face casting the silhouette of her nose, a cute angle to say the least. A smile tainted by the drugs and other chemicals that her friends liked to feed her would often slip into our conversations, as an array of ideas we exposed slowly came to light, all in the darkness of the back seat of the car. Cuddled up next to each other, feeling the resonance of the others voice deep within, the conversation lingered on. Sometime during the night, the rain began to fall. Clink Clank on the steel rooftop, it made little difference to the two. Eyes melting into each other, it was aviation of the mind. Lips often do such beautiful things, spelling out words of awe and wonder for the eye to see and an ear to listen, all meanwhile they speak their own language as they swell and redden with the pulsing of their hearts. Another night, spent awake and without sleep. It's ok though, they'll have all the time to rest when they are dead. For now, it is this time, the few moments they have with one another in a car, a bar, or some darkened room that matter. It is theirs to hold and enjoy. Time slips by, and without a second notice those they care for have moved on. It is now, here, that their insatiable thirst for one another is temporarily quenched. For the few minutes they spend makes up for a lifetime without the other.
If only she had seen it the same way. If only the drugs hadn't rotted her mind away. Would it even matter now? Time clears all, sometimes even memories. Emotions are washed away from hearts by the tides of experience, just the same our faces become older and weathered, wrinkles in time.
What would you say now?
Their smiles light up the world for them, somehow they know that there is hope left after meeting one another. These short moments meant the whole world once, thought now they are only kept in tiny crevices, it is theirs to cherish for as long as they allow themselves to remember that it was true, and nothing will ever change that.
If only she had seen it the same way. If only the drugs hadn't rotted her mind away. Would it even matter now? Time clears all, sometimes even memories. Emotions are washed away from hearts by the tides of experience, just the same our faces become older and weathered, wrinkles in time.
What would you say now?
Their smiles light up the world for them, somehow they know that there is hope left after meeting one another. These short moments meant the whole world once, thought now they are only kept in tiny crevices, it is theirs to cherish for as long as they allow themselves to remember that it was true, and nothing will ever change that.
15 November 2010
Just another day
It's been a few days since I wrote. Been busy playing video games and reading, it's the only things that really keep me entertained right now. Not much else is do able, so whatever. Been meeting lots of cool people online, and it's nice to know that others out there are just as geeky, if not more, about it. Either way, I'm glad. Maybe I'll write something later, maybe not. I think it's nice to take a brake from anything and everything every once in a while.
09 November 2010
Voting - another weekly rant for B.S.R.
What is it with people not voting, then starting to bark up a storm once the government does something that we don't like? Well, if you haven't voted, you can just shut your pretty little mouths up, and bite the bullet. Without a voice, you are nothing, and voting is your voice when it comes to how this country works. Recently we just had California totally pass on the 100% legalization of Marijuana via Prop 19. REALLY? We've been trying to rectify this mistake for almost a century now (give or take a few decades), but to no avail. Then, when it ends up in the ballots it's not passed. Why? Because there is a bunch of pusillanimous individuals who like to woof at the chance of discussion, but when it comes down to it they aren't prepared to rise up to the occasion in order to enact change.
You know who you are, you non conformists, anti government types. Sure, there is a lot of stupid shit going on in our country, why not fix it? Why not get off your lazy ass and go do something about it. Bitch bitch bitch... and no action. "We want to bring the government down! ANARCHY FOREVER!" You are idiots. Do you really think that will happen? We are in too deep to just give up. Sure, we need Change as the Obama administration said, but it's not possible if you expect for it to happen out of the blue. You all need to go to the polls, write to your congressman, go visit your local government places and tell them what you think. You will be amazed at the responses you get, as most of them actually want to hear what you have to say, after all you are the voters that put them there.
Do you understand?
Now, the question of massive corruption comes up. Yes, it is there and it is rampant. Much the way that a government official takes the money from the peoples hands in order to buy themselves a new yacht so does the health aid worker in a 3rd world country use their connections at work in order to get their hands on hard prescription drugs that are unavailable to them state side. This is truth, and it is something that you should know. Best thing we can do about it is study the past of those people who we wish to put in office, and make an informed decision. It's not about who has the most posters (you fucking litterbugs), or who has the best commercials, it's about their career decisions and what they have voted on in the past. Sure, it takes some homework that your lazy asses don't want to do, but isn't the future and well fare of our country, our children, it's most certainly worth the hour plus that it might take to research these things online.
So I don't want to hear people bitch, especially those who chose not to vote because their vote "didn't matter." You are just letting the elite make all the decisions by doing this, the old timers, the people who although are full of very important and worthwhile information, are out dated and not with the times. Our generations, the young un's, we know what is up and what is going down. If only we could pay more attention to real news, not the crap that is shoveled on national television, and what our government is doing, WE WOULD BE THE CHANGE IN THE WORLD THAT IS NEEDED.
So don't listen to your friends who say "voting is stupid, why even bother..." Well, how is the government supposed to know that we aren't happy if we don't show it to them the only way that they know how to listen, through our vote. Sure, we can go march, and it helps... but without the votes, it is pointless. We fought to give blacks and women the right to vote, it is that important. Wont you make your own informed decisions and show them that we care not just about ourselves but each other. After all, we are in this together. Your anarcho dimwit friends aren't really out to help you or the rest of the people, neither are most of the people in government, and that is why we must voice our opinions, not shut up and talk in dark rooms about possibilities and should have beens. The time for change is here, and it is now. I just hope next time more people get to the ballots and make the right decisions, not just for themselves, but for the rest of their brethren.
Your's truly,
who_leo
aka Fat-J
You know who you are, you non conformists, anti government types. Sure, there is a lot of stupid shit going on in our country, why not fix it? Why not get off your lazy ass and go do something about it. Bitch bitch bitch... and no action. "We want to bring the government down! ANARCHY FOREVER!" You are idiots. Do you really think that will happen? We are in too deep to just give up. Sure, we need Change as the Obama administration said, but it's not possible if you expect for it to happen out of the blue. You all need to go to the polls, write to your congressman, go visit your local government places and tell them what you think. You will be amazed at the responses you get, as most of them actually want to hear what you have to say, after all you are the voters that put them there.
Do you understand?
Now, the question of massive corruption comes up. Yes, it is there and it is rampant. Much the way that a government official takes the money from the peoples hands in order to buy themselves a new yacht so does the health aid worker in a 3rd world country use their connections at work in order to get their hands on hard prescription drugs that are unavailable to them state side. This is truth, and it is something that you should know. Best thing we can do about it is study the past of those people who we wish to put in office, and make an informed decision. It's not about who has the most posters (you fucking litterbugs), or who has the best commercials, it's about their career decisions and what they have voted on in the past. Sure, it takes some homework that your lazy asses don't want to do, but isn't the future and well fare of our country, our children, it's most certainly worth the hour plus that it might take to research these things online.
So I don't want to hear people bitch, especially those who chose not to vote because their vote "didn't matter." You are just letting the elite make all the decisions by doing this, the old timers, the people who although are full of very important and worthwhile information, are out dated and not with the times. Our generations, the young un's, we know what is up and what is going down. If only we could pay more attention to real news, not the crap that is shoveled on national television, and what our government is doing, WE WOULD BE THE CHANGE IN THE WORLD THAT IS NEEDED.
So don't listen to your friends who say "voting is stupid, why even bother..." Well, how is the government supposed to know that we aren't happy if we don't show it to them the only way that they know how to listen, through our vote. Sure, we can go march, and it helps... but without the votes, it is pointless. We fought to give blacks and women the right to vote, it is that important. Wont you make your own informed decisions and show them that we care not just about ourselves but each other. After all, we are in this together. Your anarcho dimwit friends aren't really out to help you or the rest of the people, neither are most of the people in government, and that is why we must voice our opinions, not shut up and talk in dark rooms about possibilities and should have beens. The time for change is here, and it is now. I just hope next time more people get to the ballots and make the right decisions, not just for themselves, but for the rest of their brethren.
Your's truly,
who_leo
aka Fat-J
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