American Pornographica Xmas

This unconcern of people wanting to know/seek the truth, and willingness to fall into a monotonous social structure, disturbs me. 

I am fully aware of your disposition, and willingness to ostracize those who do not fit in with your norms. Pointing and staring, wondering what their mother may think of the distasteful actions they now engage in. To you, just another dissident who thinks they can change the world, drugged up and tuned out.

Meanwhile, you are lost in your own trip, your own mental game of who runs the world. A hyper dome of injustice and trampling rips through the world. You only really care about one thing anyway... your wallet bursts fat, and the veins run deep with poison, oh the life of the vain.

Observing and interacting in a socially aware mindset has left my energy drained, with your lies and false idols, dances for the mascaraed in this so called life little is left for truth, love, and happiness. 

We were dead when we were born.

We laid dead when we were burned.

Fun is dead.

Love is dead.

Peace is dead.

Choice is dead.

Unique moments which once differentiated the day from night have been white washed by your indecisions and lack of spirit. You only care about one thing now, when once all you thought about was the sunrise, and the feel of the wind passing through your hair. Love has become a fleeting thought. All you ever really cared about was one thing... your veins ache, your wallets spill out with the prick of the needle... Oh the curse of the vain.

All Hail the Mighty Dollar!

Freedom is chained up at your doorstep, and you don't even see it.

All Hail the Mighty Dollar!

Give up everything for your trusted side gun, kill another infidel with your hand pistol pointed at their skull, the image replays over and over on CNN and other major news networks. You are a great hero now, your name should go up on the red wall.


Spill my love all over with my fun in your mouth, words shooting out of my gun a mile a minute, heading for your palette, next stop is lodged deep within your brain, next to the memory of our first kiss. "All I want is to see someone I respect without their clothes,"* her hair spread out over my sleeping bag, keeping each others warmth inside a tent, within the woods of our psyches we give in to our animal lust. Our vain egos ache for my prick to penetrate you, my heroin seeps into your every crevice as the stars light your eyes, and we fall asleep in each others arms, aching for the morning sun to melt us yet again so we may start a new.

Fun is dead.

Love is dead.

Peace is dead.

Choice is dead.

We are all born dead, brought to life by breath. Until we choose to die, to stop living for ourselves. Choices made, lead to roads of destruction and war. Lives lost to the mine bombs in your mind, placed there by your mommy and daddy, school teachers, preachers, and televised opium. You kill them off without remorse.


BOOM!


Their gone. they never fit in anyway, they were born disposable to you. Their digressions from your righteous upbringing made them nothing but a hindrance. A hindrance to your salvation. With them gone, getting to heaven wont be an issue. Go home, theres a message on the phone.

"It's John, I just thought I'd call... I know we haven't talked for a while, and... well... Sherley died last night... she O.D.'d on her prescription pills. By the time I found her in the tub with... it was too late... I didn't know she had so many stashed away like that..."

Delete the message, hang up, they are drug addicts, people who would steal and destroy all in order to get what they want. A fix. Or at least thats what you've been told all along by your preacher... by your social norms, to stay away from them. Meanwhile, you hang up on a friend who needed someone to talk to... Before he pulled the trigger.

Merry Xmas America.

[*Lyric by Say Anything]

Dimples

Thing is that I hate you
Thing is that you hate me
Thing is that I forgave you
Thing is that you forgot me.
Thing is that I missed you
Thing is that you dissed me.
Thing is that they conned you
Thing is that I read him like a book.
And it scared him,
he made you push me away.

I had imagined you could see through
the lies and the facades that the drones put up
but even that itself was just another lie
that you fed me.

I had imagined you could awaken something
something beyond the grave
inside the mind and spirit.
Also, that was a lie.

Instead, I only feel disgraced.
Instead, I only feel disgust.
That you shared yourself with me
who had shared themselves with none.
That I had shared myself with you
who had shared themselves with lots.

I the unknowledgeable being
you the giver of wisdom
I still am thankful for this
but feel like it could have been different.
At least I wish I would have known
not to get attached to you
before everything went down
and I went down on you.

I have a bucket full of thoughts

Because it took me a long time, to get back on the train.

Your X-Mas Gift, oh readers...

Is ready and wrapped, set to post on the 24th. I hope you like it.

: - D

The human robots awaken every morning. Their tasks have been programed, in order for more efficient calculations and productivity. Another day in the Megalopolis. They follow in line, through traffic lights dessigned to test their patience, and over load their circuits. Sometimes, the machine will brake, and so will the computer. In comparison to the rest, some of us are broken, or at least malfunctioning. We do not give into commands, we act as autonomous beings, bringing our reality forth. We are, and that scares them. We are, and that makes people wonder what it is that we have that they don't, which makes us so unique. Some may say, insanity.

With our minds warped around the dissilusionment of the world, we try and make the best of it. We walk through a path, much different than the human robot. Be it with drugs, or meditation, or some sort of overwhelming mental power, we have changed our reality. From the facade that has been fed to us as small children, into the reality that stands before us. A world caving into itself, a universe that is hollow, and cold. We travel in this space ship earth, through the void. We fall, forever, when shall we see the end? In the past, people always say the end is right here, the end is right... here... but it is not. This planet will go on for a long time, even after humans are long dead. Nothing makes us so special, that the earth would die with us. After all, we are just a cancer.

Some people really give into their role, and tear open the earths surface, in order to extract it's precious metals. Precious, just another word created by man, in order to give itself an excuse. Some people destroy, and some let themselves be destroyed. Others follow blindly into the emptyness of the future, and hope that their signs will make a difference in the world. Nothing is going to change what some have planed, the truth is that unless you wake up, and prepare yourself, no one is coming to save you. You are just another face, another body in the crowd. Who cares about you, but yourself?

I am a nihilist. I don't care much about anything, and I don't mind the destruction that is to come. Because the blind wont see it coming, and the awoken ones will only try to resist a little bit. Maybe if more people were aware, then I might give two shits, but like zombies, even some of those who claim to be "awake," give into their television fed education. They buy buy buy, and want everything oh so pretty. They drive their SUV's, and shop like theres nothing wrong with spending 100 dollars on a shirt. They make me sick. You think you are awake? You are just a ZOMBIE.

If it was ultimately up to me, I'd let it all happen. People have become so dumb, so over saturated with bullshit, that it's time. LET THEM EAT CAKE. If the government thinks they can keep a lid on it, and control the mess, they are sadly mystaken. There are many out there, who think as I do, and we are not going to join some extreme right wing, or some extreme left. Because we don't believe in your bullshit. We are here, we live, and we will survive. We are the next generation of Humanity, and you have already spoiled your own dinner plans, ours are still going strong.

There is no reason to think that things will go badly. Or that they wont. It really hangs in the ballance right now. If they do, don't expect anything nice. If they don't, expect nothing either. It's just the way it is. Maniquins, people are all maniquins. Unless they give you proof of their humanity, you should not trust them, you should not keep near them. When you notice that they care more about their outward appearance than they do their mental stability, and they are deeply connected, concider running. When you feel "I think this person might be off their rocker," you may want to run. When you realize that there is something deeply wrong with that person, and there is nothing you can do but run, hang out for a minute, and see just how fucked up they are. Why? Because, you need to know what is out there, who is it that controls the world. It's people like this who sell salvation.

Study them, spend time with them. The half crazies don't count, you must spend time with someone truly insane. Someone who has decided to stop their meds, someone who is not alright. Someone who believes anything they read, and see. You need to be aware, be on your toes. You cannot let them keep you, and control you. Explore their mind with a fine picked comb. Chances are, you wont want to be near someone like this again, but for the time being, you'll need the experience in order to keep them past arms length, away from you.

So what will you do? Will you give into the world? Will you fight? Will you just sit back and watch it all destroy itself? All and neither. Don't ever take your life for granted, and that of those who are real. Be glad you have a chance to ponder these things, and you are not worried about what to wear tomorrow, and how you'll look hotter in this or that. About how cute this is, or that isn't. Trivial matters are trivial, and should be left as such. 

Long Live Discordia.

Hey...

"A shudder comes o'er me-
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well;-
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell."*
*-When we two parted; Lord Byron

Tricksters and jokers

A first kiss is all you need to awaken the beast.

Tristes apariciones

Don't ask what you can do for the world, for the world is lost in itself. Don't ask what the world can do for you, for the world is lost in itself.

It's not about the love anymore.

It's not about the war.

It's not about the forgotten.

It's not about the ones we keep.

It's about you and me.

And a million stars in the heavens burst out suddenly lighting up a starless night.

Like the kiss of a troubadours lips that leave you aching for more

You will remember me for always.

It's nice to know that my cats will always love me. As long as I keep feeding them.

Post 100

Today I woke up with a hang over.
Yesterday I swore in the American flag.
Earlier in the week a minister asked me to take out the trash.
A few months ago I realized I wasn't alone.
Over 6 months ago I felt one of the greatest let downs ever.
7 Months ago I was part of an amazing music festival, Orange Blossom Jamboree.
9 Months ago I was in Love.
10 Months ago I started to fall for someone I found extremely amazing.
11 Months ago I was with someone who didn't want to be with me, but didn't mind fucking.
12 Months ago I met Ssica, and in one night she changed my world, never to be seen again.

It's all been a crazy ride on this blog so far. When I left Myspace I had about 9,000 views, and averaged about 30 viewers a month. Sadly this was over the span of about 8 years, and my writing then wasn't even formed, twas just blocks of text of me bitching about something or other. This time around (must be the different medium) I'm averaging about 100 viewers a month, and since September 9th, over 500 people have come to visit and read what is within these pages.

Thank you.

Heres to hundreds of more posts, to more deliberate explosions of emotion, and the exploration of the human spirit. To Marie, and all of the people who inspire me to seek truth in the world. I really do love ya!

who_leo

Late night thoughts after a coconut ice cream bar

I did something very unbecoming of me. I went to speak with a Lutheran Minister the other day. Well, I wanted to talk to someone who I could relate to in a basic manner, mostly on that of moral standing. Most interesting part of the conversation was just being able to hear myself say certain things which had been just kept inside, internalized. It wasn't a good place for them, nor for my own psyche to be dealing with them in that manner. Loosing what I strode for was certainly not the best thing for me, I lost sight of what my future should be and are now in a position where I find myself malleable to ideas.

I still have my dreams, and they will come to bear fruit soon enough with hard work, I'm sure this is a very possible thing. I certainly hope it could move along quicker, but being just one of those situations that take time certainly it cannot be rushed.

Something else was reassured to me, that one should not feel bad for those who cannot be helped. If they wanted help, then they wouldn't have done the things they did, though addicts always tend to send mixed messages, it's easier to just take everything with a grain of salt. Something about being able to let go though, gives me peace of mind. After all, it is most certainly important that I get myself through this, rather than to try and help anyone else before hand.

Still though, I will always love those people, and hold their memory very dear to my heart; though certainly, they must be kept at arms length if not greater distances. They aren't meant to be near, for as their self destructive nature cyclones around them it sucks whats near into a nucleus of most heinous destruction, nothing stands a chance.

After all, hanging around with individuals who are just bad people, no matter what your intentions are, is just bad news.

With that, I leave off for now.

My head is up in the clouds

These past few weeks I've had a lot on my mind. One thing in particular has bothered me quite a bit. Thing is that after I've spent years, and I mean YEARS, talking to my friends about not doing prescription medicines as a form of "getting high," I am now prescribed to them. It's weird how the world works. Nothing else eases the pain though, what else am I supposed to do? Pot is not legal where I live, hence I am unable to acquire it. Only thing that is left for me to do is to take those little white pills, and wait for the pain to subside.

I've lost my footing. I was doing real well there for a while, being the person which people came to to talk about getting off the stuff, and how to live without it. Now, it's not so easy to face them and tell them that I am officially consuming these substances as well. Granted, I have a doctors note, and a legitimate reason to take them, but I still feel like there is no more liability on what I say.

I can say this, that I still don't want to see any of the people whom I care for get involved with these drugs, I don't want to be on them either. They make me sleepy, dopey, and numb out more than just my aching back. My mind has suffered, my social interaction has suffered even more because of it. It has made me into a zombie of sorts. I hate it.

Now I wait for a series of surgeries which will hopefully return me to a more mobile state, able to work and fend for myself, I'll finally be able to get out of moms house... again. Really shitty part is that I came here to keep her company about 2 years ago, then the accident happened, and a short stay has turned into an undetermined amount of time. Without being able to work for this time, I've managed to rack up some bills, and lost some people. But what am I gonna do? That is life, and I guess I must live it the way it was dealt to me. Still, no reason to not want more out of it. I do want to do a lot of things still, like see Ireland, England, visit my friend in Japan... All of these things, I must keep in mind. Something to live for. I lost that for a minute there, and it was scary.

w_l

Art dies, art lives.

My laptop has crashed. It will not turn on. It is officially DEAD.

5 years plus of writing, journals, and just random stuff all gone. I stopped using it so much, hence why I haven't been writing like I should in here, but the other day I went to turn it on and... nothing. Not even a boot screen, just darkness.

Well, the last time I made a back up was like 6 months ago, or sometime before all of this medical shit started. Somewhere around there. So much happened, though I wonder if it's just better that these memories/proofs of life then are gone now. Might be much better off this way.

Life and Death

I had a thought today:


As a hopeless romantic, when I die it will be much like the way I came into this world.

At night.

Alone.

All due to a series of unfortunate events, stemming from a womans love.


And it's alright.

Mitigation in my mind

Days like today, nothing matters.

I feel dead, tired, over worked.

Yet, nothing has happened.

Nothing, again.

If one expects change, one should create it. Right?

Every time I deal with the world,

The world bites back.

Every time I deal with people,

I see the ugly faces pop up again and again.

Addiction,

Sexual,

Or chemical,

It's all the same really.

A need for people to forget.

I keep running into these two demons,

Over and over again.

All I want is some peace of mind,

Knowing that you wont walk away

To get high on dope

Or be with someone else.

Just be there

As I would for you.

But no

It's never like that.

There are always preconceptions

Of notions meant to alleviate your "pain."

Don't you know though,

That through your actions

You end up hurting everyone around you?

Here I am,

Another day with nothing to do.

I'm a little glad,

Somewhat sad,

But still I'm here

And there is nothing pulling me down

Except me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect

Where has it gone? Who has it anymore? I for one do not understand where I went wrong, or if I event went wrong at all.

Get a call from a girl, whom I fancy, and she wants to hang out! I'm like "swell, of course I'll hang out!" So she meets me at her friends house, where I meet some pretty ok people. From there, we chat, we all go through our motions and our arbitrary conversations where we get to know one another. Things seem very well.

Suddenly, a group of people show up delivering the blues... not the music, but the substance that South Florida seems to be so infatuated with. She changes. She starts talking to their driver, and begins to ask me if I can score some pot for her. Sure, I say. I try, but come up dry. "Oh, I have some at home, we can just go pick it up real quick..." He says.

About an hour passes. A twenty minute thing has turned into much longer. I don't know what to think, I'm tired of just chatting it up with people whom I don't know. I'm done. I pick up my shit, and leave.

She wanted to spend the night, so she says. She wanted to hang out and talk, so she says. Then why leave me with a group of total strangers as you go off ridding with some schmuck. I don't get it. No respect, as a great comedian once put it. No fucking respect.

Don't tell me you want to hang out, then leave me to go "chill" with someone else. Don't tell me you wanted to be with me, when you leave me for some guy who just turned up. What am I, chopped liver? I just don't get it.

There is no respect left, there is no real understanding of people left. It's only garbage, or so it seems. Bob Dylan once said something along the lines of send me someone who is not a fucked up person, and I will give my life to you. How right he is, to this day.

What happened to respect.

I saw you last night

Again with this. Stay out of my dreams. How is it you manage to get in there. I don't even want you there, I don't even think you belong there. My own body wakes up after feeling you crawling through my head.

Thank you.