Palpitations

Gentle kisses on my face
hands smooth running
over my skin
her hot breath on my own
all of these things
stick inside my brain
making me ache
inside
for her.

Did you know?

He reads your emails.
Nothing is safe.

Four Letter Words

so often I think of the
things which I've done
that I knew would be
different
if only I'd taken time
to pay attention to what
was going on around me
instead of drifting off
into the spaces within
my mind
her eyes
lost in the moment.
but then I wouldn't know
what I do now, or how to look
for them,
signs.
hind sight is twenty twenty
they say.
knowing this I find that
Sour wasn't so sour
after all
and that my beach lover
is just trying to feel
me out for being either
someone seeking just sex
or an honest human being.
I certainly do hope that
she realizes my intentions
are not to just penetrate
her near the inner thigh
but rather her whole being from
head
to
toe.
I wish to be inside of her
underneath her skin
inside her brain
behind her eyes
in her taste buds
just as she is in mine.
I want her to stick around
for a very long time
maybe even one day we can
call each other mom and dad.
We will see though
once we hit the three month mark
whether this is true
or just infatuation
I can't wait for the results.
never before have I wanted to be
positive
for a disease spread from boy to girl
girl to boy
human to human
I want to be positive
for a four letter word.
let us
over react a little
vanity isn't always wrong
especially when shared with
someone like you.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

Last night I dreamed of you
we sat under a night sky
exploding with stars
like freckles
on the skin of my lover
and as we caressed one another
she spoke to me
"I love your curls"
so she played with my hair
as I ran my fingers
through her soft silky strands
angels never tasted so fine
as her kiss
like her smile.

Tasted delicious on my fingers

She awakens
asking why her underwear
is still on.
I tell her it was a rough night
and my leg isn't feeling
any better.
I should have just pulled them
down to her ankles
tossed them off the side
of the bed.
We were so trashed though
and sometimes I still
go back to my prime teachings
of times long gone
yet she likes it.
Earlier she'd said
how she still paid attention
to certain aspects of
Catholicism
after correcting me
on the proper
pronunciation of the word.
I then tell her that when I
date someone
I like to do the same.
She smiles
and says
"I'm glad you know what I meant."
I like the fact that we do it this way.
But how will I tell her
I'm not a fan of missionary?

Dreams of Sour

She was in my dream again last night. Sourgirl. I can't seem to shake her off, it's ridiculous. I was in South America going to a class there (?) which was in a sort of commercial spot with lot's of windows. A large group of us sat in for a sort of telling of rules and such. We were then asked to vacate in order for the next round of students to receive the same speech. I went outside and waited with the rest of the people, except that on my way out I saw Sourgirls best friend, that Asian woman. She was in all white, and didn't say a word to me. Outside the professor eventually came out and wanted to talk to me, said that two students had a problem with me being there, in particular D.Healy. I don't know why he'd have a problem, but I ended up finding and talking to him, apparently someone had been seeding lies in their group. I told him what had happened between Sourgirl and I, and he said it was very curious and that something similar had happened to another of his friends via Vigil, who was the perpetrator in my situation as well. He set off to look for her. The whole time I was looking for Sourgirl, I could feel her watching me, like she was near by...  At a point in time this gangster guy in his ghetto get up started hanging on to my back so he could hitch a ride in his skates, I eventually shook him off. We ended up going to some giant club with lot's of Womp Womp music, Healy entered but I didn't, I wasn't feeling it. There I saw the light show going on inside, as well as a multitude of people dancing. He'd gone in to look for her. I awoke.

My worry is that I haven't even been thinking about this woman and here she is, popping up in my dreams again. I don't know what to do short of a lobotomy to get her out of my head. What sucks is that every time I dream of her I am reminded of the stupidity surrounding the whole situation, but then again that is what happens when you fall for a junkie. I guess my subconscious misses her, but all in all I'm much happier not thinking about the could and should have been's. Sometimes though, I do wish that we could meet up, get over this shit, and move on. I hate waking up with her on my mind, I always feel so empty. I guess that's the feeling she leaves most people with though.

LIFE

I start school again soon. I will be finishing my AA. I will be taking care of myself, so that one day I am able to take care of my family. I want a family, I want children, I want a wife who will love me like I love her. I want LIFE.

I do

Dare I say I miss the touch
of the softness between your thighs
against my own
against the palm of my hand
I do.

Dare I say I miss the smell
of your beach dirty hair
against my nose
against our clothes
I do.

Dare I say I miss the feel
of your breath
against my chest
warm and steady, alive
I do.

Dare I say I care for you
more than I should
with all my heart
against everything my mind says
I do.

Dare I say I miss the fingers
running through my chest
through the hairs
rubbing my skin
I do.

Dare I say I like your face
the eyes that speak volumes
the smile the brightens my day
looking at my own
I do.

Dare I say that when you say I'm beautiful
my heart skips a beat
and my mind starts to race
and your lips seem more inviting
I do.

Dare I say that your way of being
makes me feel accompanied
like I'm not alone anymore
that life is worth one more breath
I do.

Your finger on the trigger

What kills me is that I can't keep your attention long enough. What kills me is that after you tell me all of these wonderful things you just toss me aside. What kills me is that I can't help but love you like I do. What kills me is that I knew from the beginning that this would happen. What kills me is that I knew. What kills me is that I knew. What kills me is that I knew.

BANG!

Incompetence kills

come around and show
the colors hidden under
intricate plumage.

friendship can be tough
when all they want
is to steal your light.

she wont admit it
but it's about time
that she brought with her

change of seasons
change of clothes
change of mindlessness

contradicting what is thought
continuing to expand
capillaries on the skin

she says she's afraid
she says she doesn't care
yet I am the only one

with heart ache
a flooded mind
aches in my stomach

but it's all right
nothing new here
just like a rerun

of an old television show
where the antagonists
keep showing up

and I ask myself
when will life change?
well my dear friend

seems like never
seems like always
seems like your change

is bound to come
but not yet
concrete is heavy

shoes are filled with it
sink into the waters
of what could and should have been.

Kinder

She wraps up tight
around me
and all I know
is that her skin
soft and sweet
is touching
all of me
from head to toe
wrapped up
in her
and it feels good
when her hand
rubs my chest
and her hair
tickles my arm
her bare legs
wrapped against mine
it feels whole
like the puzzle
is coming together
and with her swaying hips
rubbing herself against me
we fall asleep in the embrace.

Those moments

when hearing her say
she's always liked you

that makes the world

shine a little brighter.

Woman

Something about

the way her hair

smells

while we lay together

that keeps the calm

and thoughts

still

on the softness

of her freckles

as finger tips

slowly

cross her back

to her neck

on her head

running strands

between fingers

that caress her scalp

as she sleeps

snoring, yet

the sound lulls me

to the ether.