Unpublished love notes - "Her eyes bright as the morning dew."

The soft caress of the morning
eases me into the day.
I am awoken by the kiss of a lover,
the one for whom my lips have ached always.


Yet,
here she is,
a warm embrace
keeps me softly interlaced
between reality and a dream.


As I loose myself
in the aroma of her skin
my babe wraps close to me
and buries her head upon my chest,
I feel my body
begin to tingle
from head to toe
 and all along
my head becomes
light like a feather
as my consciousness
tries to escape me again.


As it does I finally wake up.


Rays of sunlight
are streaming through my window,
the mist from the moisture in the air
illuminates into a million little fractals
and dissipates the light
through out the bedroom
in the most wondrous of waves.


I look beside me, and she is gone.
I go about the small apartment,
her office is just as she left it,
nothing has been moved.
In the kitchen
her mug is in the same place I left it.


Making a cup of coffee
I hear something
coming from the living room.
After checking it out
it becomes apparent
that it's just the cat
moving about.
Her cat.

On opium for every day people

Something always told me
that time would come
when the people behind the curtain
all came out naked
and danced for the masses yet again.

Here we watch as
they dance their two step
three step
four
in order to cover up
their ass
when we come a looking
for someone to point a finger to.

Well what are you waiting for?

Crazy

Yeah, I thought you were crazy... Crazy enough to Love me.

Thralls or ecstasy

Something I can never forget
is how easy it is to do so.

Yes, forget.

It can be so easy
as long as you have the right mind
the right state
the correct directions
to amplify yourself into a noise
that no one can understand
a place to be
a niche to reach
new places to see
new people to meet.

It is all relevant
to the smile on my face
who I want to meet
who I want to see
laying naked on my bed
waiting for my one response
for them to reach out
touching my face
with hands so soft.

I want to be your holy man.

It is as it is
and it goes on
the best thing is knowing
that your eyes wished to meet mine
in a sudden burst of ecstasy
arms wrapped around each other
in the thralls of dancing
bodies mimicking
something so primal
it's only danced
in a bedroom
full of lust.

Hungry like children
we feed off one another.

That look in your eyes.

Ssica and Sour Girl

Going through this blog one may find tags of sour girl and ssica. These were two people who you may know or may have met at one point in time, whom when I met, shone a light upon my life that will be hard to forget. Ssica, a random hippie girl I met outside of NYE Phish in Miami '09 who I have come to terms with that I will never see again, and Sour Girl is one of two humanitarian workers met just around the same time as Ssica, of whom I mistakenly fell in love with when all she wanted was some peace, quiet, and fun. Sadly, such is life. These women are two forces that drive my writing at the moment, and probably will for a minute. It's hard to put a lot of these things down, and sharing them is even crazier in some sense. Though it helps me heal, and it helps me remember for future note of what humanity is, and what it is capable of. So I thought I'd just write this down to remind myself, and inform others. Also, sour girl has dissipated from my life in such a way that I may never see her again. The world can be too sweet without her around to help me remember. Miss you, you freak.

Teachings of a lemon

The life she led
made her hate
the simple things
that life had made.

It wasn't fair
to treat her kind
when all she wanted
was to be left behind.

Could it be
that her own love
couldn't be shared
because her dove
had been blown off
by a rogue bomb.

It's not so strange
to feel like this
when someone true
leaves your smile
locked away
like a memory.

If I could see her
I would still miss her
though now she's gone
and all I have
is diatribe after diatribe
telling me I'm bad

that everything done
has been in vain
that the reason she even
tried to love
was because it eased her pain
momentarily

enough for her
to get away
from all the things
that made her sway.
And so she said
to me one night

You've made it all up
and now it's time to flight.

My favorite mourning treat

This morning I woke up
and it wasn't that I felt alone
as much as I felt left out
of something greater
I just don't know what.

It wasn't like it hasn't happened before
it occurred to me once or twice
all in the past
but now this will last
until I'm out of my mind.

At least thats what the lass
who I last had in my arms
said to me once
in a car ride to a bar
that insanity settles in at 25.

Desperately Seeking Ssica

It all started simply enough. We just wanted to have a good time. By the thousands people gathered at the Miami American Airlines Arena and the lots around it. December 31 was upon us all, and we had nothing better to do but to party. Like a good lot soldier, I had my fill of mushrooms and alcohol by the time I headed towards the gate. There, I was given an extra ticket to miracle away. Thats when I first saw her. She was sitting with 3 of her friends, she jumped out at me especially, because of her dreads and eyes, a gleaming blue hue that glistens in my vision even now. She didn't want the ticket, she'd just gotten hers. I went on to give the ticket away, and on my way back I was greeted by affectionate hugs and kisses from her.

Fast Forward

I'm standing in the hallway of the busy arena with my friend who has just been accosted by someone trying to steal his ticket. Luckily, the situation was easily thwarted, and fists did not need to be thrown. I'm dancing to the sounds of the band as they make their way through out the building, everyone has a special step to their swagger tonight. I see her out of the corner of my eye, she moves to my moves. She sneaks up and kisses me again. Her lips try a second time, I hold back hoping she'll return for more.

Fast Forward

Walking through the hallways of the American Airlines Arena edifice, one feels tiny. With the hundreds of people who are making their way around it's not hard to get lost in the rumble of humanity. I make my way out to the patio with my friends wife. I bum a few cigarettes while we chat with some people. She goes back to the show, I continue on. I head to the larger pavilion where I run into a fellow dred head. There we continue our conversation from the last festival I saw him at. The band is doing well, all the kids are happy. I head back in to see more of the show.

Fast Forward

After my friend and his wife had left, my compadre Pablo Stevens and I made our way outside. Now who should be standing there but this same hippie girl. We flirt back and forth, I am hindered in thought by the boomers as well as the creep who has been hanging around her for a while. She is from Ohio, Cincinnati. Her name is "Ssica." She has 3 older brothers, who (from what she tells me) are more than aware of the life of tour. Her feet are dirty, but in a cute way. Her smile glistens as her new toothbrush falls from her bag, and the saucers in her eyes stare deep into my own. She is staring into my soul. I feel her penetrate my psychic barrier, if there ever was one, and I feel heavy hearted. In a fit of pure insanity I decide to leave.

I say good bye, and turn around. I think to myself how much I wanted a real kiss from her all along. I walk back to her, and lightly tap her on the shoulder. Ssica... She stares into my eyes again for what feels like an eternity, I lock my lips with hers. A squirming coil, lustful wonder kiss.

Fast Forward

I am in the truck, we are driving past her. I yell at her to go to the pets show. She yells at me telling me to go to the beach. I ask which one, she responds "All of them!"

Fast Rewind

It's before the Phish NYE show. Pablo and I are sitting on the tailgate and there is this dirty hippie guy with a weird rock thing, he says it takes the masses of chaotic energy, and reorganizes it into something workable. I grab it, and make a wish... I wish i could meet her, the one. My Hippie Girl.

Fast Forward

It's the day of STS9, she said she'd be here. I arrive early at the lot. It's always interesting to see the people who frequent these shows. I'm hoping to run into Ssica.

Fast Rewind

It's the 1st, I'm in the car with Steve and Darren from Particle. Sammy had me pick them up from their hotel. They seem tired and worn out. The weeks festivities seem to have taken their toll.

Fast Rewind

She tells me to go to the Particle show with her that night. I told her I couldn't, my ride was leaving.

Fast Forward

I'm talking to Steve about Ssica, and how odd the whole thing has been. He agrees that it is a strange occurrence indeed.

Fast Forward

I'm sitting in a full lot, there are hippies everywhere. Tanks are going off in the distance, and although it's been 5 hours, I'm still waiting for Ssica to show up. I run into many a friendly faces in the meantime, so it's ok. I feel like I get ripped off by a hippie momma who is just throwing some game in the lot. I still eat the tab, but I'm doubtful. It's not till later that I realize it's real.

Fast Forward

I'm standing in a dark hallway halfway through my treck into the venue of the STS9 show. My friend from the inside has come through. I make it into the show unscathed by security, who I fly a peace sign to as I pass by. My search continues once inside. No sign of her. I end up in the upstairs lounge area having a drink. Sitting down and having a smoke, a thought of her eyes, that blue ocean of majestic and infinite possibilities comes to mind. The way she smiled so freely, and flowed with the music. A Goddess, a Lover, a Kindred Spirit.

I am walking through, when someone approaches me and asks for a light. I can't help but oblige, and spark conversation. Justin as it turns out, shared my hopeless romantic ideals. He was also here in search of a girl.

Although we both were here for the same reason, let it be known that we both had very different situations though much the same. Although I was certain I had Ssicas heart, I was not sure if I could ever find her in person. When Justin had his girl in front of him, it was uncertain from his part whether or not he had her heart. He brought her across state lines, hoping that this would be the spark that they needed. Here I was, at the STS9 show Ssica said she'd be at, looking for her, hoping this is the catalyst that would initiate a change upon themselves just the same.

Fast Forward

I'm walking down the sidewalk, screaming Ssica at the top of my lungs. The alcohol and acid have taken the best of me, senses and emotions are intermingled in a cluster fuck from hell. What am I to do? I couldn't find her. I was sure she'd be here. The world is warping too fast for time to make sense. I find myself wondering through the streets and flow of the crowd. Voices intermingle, warbles of words and snorting mixed in with a hiss and coughs from the smokers. A cop is walking behind me. I catch him out of the corner of my eye as he is riding on my shadow, hoping the hippies wont notice them. I instinctively call out 6-up.

Fast Forward

He is leaning on a tree. Just getting bailed out of Dade County Jail, he seems somber as can be. It's just getting to me, he says. It's finally catching up to me, I can't believe that all of this shit happened, it's just too real... does anyone have any Ketamine? I'll take some Ketamine right fucking now. He slumps further into himself, lost in his own emptiness realizing he is helpless. Nothing can help him now, it's time to wake up and smell the roses.

Fast Forward

I type the following into my blackberry during The Heavy Pets STS9 after show:

Love, it will make you do the darnest things. Travel to the end of the world, Lands untouched by thought graced with a mere vision. Of the life, the love. here i sit, after looking all night for her, seeking Ssica. Nowhere to be found. I had to give it one try. One fucking try. It is not without a battle that I will go down. I walked these lots, in search of something so pure, so unrelenting, that nothing could stop me. Although I sit here, lost in the haze of the evening, I am aware that the unattainable can be reached. I had it, held against my lips, in a truest form of lust and wonder. Her lips. i wanted nothing but to hold her hand one more time. One kiss, one nod. She is now lost to the wilderness of the world. I am aware, yet unaware of the true reach and grasp of this IDEA. I am a lover, forever lost within the land of wondering souls. Will I ever find her? My Goddess? Where are you? Embodied in a thousand and one forms, within the minds of us all. 

I love you.

Fast Rewind

Like in the song Simple by Phish "What is a band without skyscrapers?" You know? Justin says. Like, you are the skyscraper, and you are reaching up above, beyond the normal bounds of reality. We are the skyscrapers.

Fast Forward

I'm sitting at the beach. I drove to Atlantic and A1A, parked my car, and waited for the sun to come up. There, I thought about what she'd said, about going to the beaches. It had been a while, I only live 20 minutes from it. What could her name be... Her real name... I wondered and wondered, until it came to me. Ssica is short for Jessica.

When I get home at night

When I get home at night
sometimes I look over
at the empty parking spaces
hoping
that I will see your car
and that you will be here
waiting for me to get home.

So we can talk
so we can mend
so we can forget
so we can be free
from all of the hate.

If something so wonderful
as this should pass
it would be too beautiful
and a dream that never lasts.

I wish that things were different
that you would just listen to your heart
and not the lips of others
for they spew lies
and the solemn truth is
that I love you.

It's not so difficult
to figure out
that I would fall in love
with someone like you.
You are all I've dreamed of
everything wanted in a lover
friend
partner.

Now I sit here
in my car
in my parking lot
waiting for headlights
that will never shine my way
waiting for a voice
parted lips that whisper
it's ok.

Oh woe full night
without my sour lover
how I miss her voice
her warm embrace
the smile of that girl
is all I needed
to fall in love.

Choose your poison.

Another day passes
and the masses
don't ever care
just what is going on
behind the facades
built from sport tournaments
chiseled abs
seducers
enablers
which inspire
weak minds
to all along follow
all of these mimes
which are all there to
distract the mind
with psychological opiates
keeping people dormant
enslaved
to the 5 o'clock news
same to the pills
and drugs
that humanity ingests
trying to get away
but it's only putting
a blanket over it's head
wishing
hoping
that something might change.

But no
there is no change for those who wait
there is no change for those who sit
there is no change for those who hope
there is only change in those who move
forward.

Shoulda been a comic flip book.

The way they met
was straight out of the pages
of some long lost storybook
once written by a deranged author
on a cynical night
during which they would just talk to each other
without fear of rejection or acceptance
only because they felt their own spirits
compelled to interact.




Little did they know
when he approached her
that this would be
the beginning
of the end
of a wonderful friendship
that he would miss
and she would wish
she could just dream away.




After striking conversation
without looking for a connection
they knew they had something right.
When she asked if he'd accompany her
to a rock show that night
there was no way
he could say no
to such a beautiful smile.




She drove
he relaxed
her rainbow eyes bright
their feelings intensified.
They spoke about music
they talked about life
the sickness of the world
humanity's plight.




After a night full of dance
they arrived to their place of meeting
here they stood outside of their vehicles
and smoked one last cigarette.
But as they stood there
something came over them
and they knew what it was
that which they'd been sensing all night.




They both felt something in their bones
this wasn't normal
their empyrean fires roared
and as they walked around each other
the way animals sizing one another do
their noses in the air
eyes staring everywhere
something roaring in their hearts
their synapses a blaze.
They knew it would happen again.
For now this is not
their end.

It was the first night
that sour girls' eyes would gleam.
It was the first night
that he would wish they could relive.

Happy Little Pill Head Girl

A Foreword:

I have known many people who have been "pill heads," or addicts to prescription medicine. This is not uncommon in the society where I come from, and even in my run ins with other classes it is often the well educated who also fall for this menace, since it's not "illegal." It is a monster of unimaginable girth, one which destroys and consumes without mercy. I have lost friends because of this, I have come to terms with the fact that one cannot help those who are addicts, for only they can truly help themselves. I love all of my friends, and I would never want to see them in harms way. I present to you

"Happy Little Pill Head Girl."

not blind

born with two eyes

seeing the world

experiencing reality

coming to terms with observations

applying whats' been learned in the past

Action

It must be taken

Direction

It must be planned

must not let petty things obscure judgement

not a crow

only human

able to feel emotion

easy

must not be overtaken

kind people are hard to find

many like to pretend

the sick laugh at the unknown

prying open a book of boxes

in which to place everyone in

chameleons are everywhere

don't even know where to start

cover trails of intelligence

in search of truth

that lays squandered away

hoping no one will see

pretend like it's not happening

pretend knowing nothing

makes amends

it's lies

that break and shatter

facades so well built up

so intricate

Babylon is falling down

falling down

Babylon is falling down

my dear lady.

All along

play the part of the fool

to see how far it's pushed

blood letting

bled dry

death

rebirth

awaken

A phoenix 

rises from the ashes

spreads it's wings over the plains

floating effortlessly in the sky

away from treachery

deceit

apathy

into something new

with brand new eyes

to see the world

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Where are you? I can't believe I lost youblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah There was a time I would have cared, bit's and pieces make my memory rattle. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Can I even remember what you look like? I think I'd know if I saw you again face to face, we'd both know. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah So much white noise in my head. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Although some laugh and scorn at this, sometimes things happen for a reason. Even a godless man such as myself can see this chaos envelop people in quantum anomalys often brought together with a common goal. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah The noise makes my head ache... The noise makes my back ache... The noise... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Theres death, rampant, everywhere... all I can say is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah like a rattling fresh body added to the total weight amount makes up a fresh kill count like none they had seen. Words like bullets penetrated his dura matter and killed on contact. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Theres nothing that would matter much, I mean, who cares, I can just do what I want. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Love.

Disambiguation

It's freedom

the best part.

It's finally knowing

that you are truly awake.

That it's not the storm,

but the calm that should terrify.

It's the great bang,

inside your head.

It's a friends words,

so true and well spawned.

A complete revamping

of your critical mass.

Thoughts interlaced

with a fragrant herb.

Truth.

Knowing that it's not you.

Lost Thoughts on a Friday Night

She sits at a bar, in Cincinnati. Her loose dreds hang down with a gray bandanna keeping them from her face. Her soft fingers reach down to grab her cold dark beer.The lines of her curves are outlined by the light bouncing off the bar. A silhouette to those who pass her by. She plays with a glass bead, brown and round. It's all she has.

He sits at his friends house in Fort Lauderdale. His dreds are up behind his head, keeping them out of his face. His beer is cold, and sitting next to him, his large hands crush the can. He just painted a couple of lizards, and is enjoying beer with friends. He is holding a glass bead in his hand, clear and with white stripes. It's all he has.

One kiss, one illicit moment in time. Shared at the eve of the new year. Permanently burned into their memories. This is all they have left, a kiss, a bead. Miles away from each other, they know that it is something they may never find. Or will they? Time will only tell.

Mental Prosthetics

Earlier tonight while tempering their thoughts
a few tears rolled down their face.
They then knew the feeling of alone whilst lost
in a place deep in the woods of memory
back to a time when they knew from the beginning
that nothing would be the same
and it was ok.

It was like being lost at a street corner
where you always had your fill
throwing dimes to beggars
the whole time drinking up their wine.

Little places where
lob sided faces
traveling through time
are making their facades
a whole new thing
what will spring bring.

Now it's all lost
in time
a memory's fading
away from their minds.

A tear drop falls
onto the rugged floor
in her thoughts he still smiles
and it washes it all away.

Letting go

This world feels heavy on my back
it cracks and creeks
with the weight of my sins.

I have asked for penance
the one who can forgive me
wont even look me in the face.

Just what things have I done
that would make her revolt at my sight
making me feel so ill with her cursed stare.

Her last hello I still remember
kind and full of love
it filled me with a warm memory.

Her last good-bye I remember
spiteful and full of hate
it filled me with anguish and confusion.

What a sad existence
to be without something pure
living ain't living if you are alone.

Chromatic Emotion Box

            Turning down the sidewalk at 1:16 p.m., he runs into her head on. He felt her soft features knock into him, for a second they share the same space. a few bags drop from her hands, and his cell phone falls from his. She's knocked back as he stumbles forward, almost tripping over her. Luckily he catches himself against the wall. She looks up at his tall figure, a silhouette against the blue sky until her eyes adjust. Almost six foot, sporting a long coat, his dark hair dangles over her as his lips purse in a bit of surprise and worry.

            "Oh my, I'm so sorry! Let me help you," he kneels down to help her collect herself. "I just looked at the time in my cell phone, and next thing you know... well, I think you..."

            "Yeah, I get the idea." She snaps back.

            "Umm... sorry about that." He's picking up small articles of clothing, but once she notices her hands quickly snatches them along with the bag. Only by her actions does he realize what the small soft items were. "Umm... sorry..." blushing slightly, he passes another bag to her as she's starting to stand up.

            "Thank you... for helping me, not for running into me. Anyhow..." Grabbing the bag with one hand, she starts to swat at her sides, hoping to get any dirt that may have attached off. "You seemed to be in a hurry, knocked me right down on my ass."

            "Yeah, really sorry about that... are you ok?"

            "Sure, nothing that hasn't happened before." She was wearing a loose fitting blue shirt, with patterns of what seemed like constellations all around it. Her ballerina esque shoes fit snuggly around her feet, as they met with tight legged jeans that accentuated her female form all the way up. Open chest, the freckles stood out the most, her blonde hair and blue eyes shimmering in the sun light.

"So whats your name?"

            "I'm sorry, what?"

            "You'r name, just in case I gotta send you a doctor bill." She chuckled, but it seemed to go over his head.

            "Oh, uh... It's Brian."

            "Well Brian, my name is Joana. I tend to make a point of introducing myself to people I've gotten close to." For some reason her jokes did not seem to make a dent on him. He seemed lost in thought.

"Well, listen, I thank you for helping me up... but..."

            "I'm really sorry, I'm just looking for someone, and I'm supposed to meet them around here somewhere. I just can't..." He ran his hand over his head, brushing the hair away from his face. Brian's brown eyes went with his dark features, like chocolate and peanut butter.

            "Well, I'm a local, so maybe I can help you. What place are you looking for?" She placed her left foot in front of her, resting her loaded arms on her hips. This guy seemed lost, and the quicker she got him there, the sooner he'd stop running into people.

            "The Golden Brick House, I was told it was around here. I'm a little early, but I like to be prepared." He rubbed the back of his head, a slight smile appeared on his face. He had kind features, inviting and warm. There was just something about him, it was the way he looked into her eyes. It felt like their souls intermingled for that second.

            "Sure, thats just three blocks over. You were heading the wrong direction though, shoulda' made a left instead of that quick right. You should see a sign to the left from the corner down at 28th. If you want good drinks ask for Gene, get an aborted fetus while your at it, delicious drink." She smirked at the last comment, she always hopes to get a reaction out of people with that bit.

            "Left at 28th, ask for Gene, aborted fetus... Got it. Thank you so much, I don't know how I could ever repay you..."

            "Buy me a drink first next time." She lightly taps him with her bags. "Now go on, you might be late."

            "Thank you! Oh! And sorry!" He waves as he turns around, and continues his quick step.

-----

            Later at her small apartment, she unloads her bags and as she's grabbing a drink a strange noise emanates from her pile of new stuff, a ringing of sorts. She looks through the stack, being the only place that is making noise in the whole apartment. It stops as she's sure she's about to find it. "Damn it!" Fortunately as she finds it laying under some purple ruffled panties it starts to ring again, but as she tries to press the ignore button, accidentally speaker gets turned on. "Damn new phones..." She mutters to herself.

            "Hello?! What was that?" A female voice comes over the loud speaker, Joana sits frozen. "Hey, are you there? I can hear you breathing Brian..." Theres a couple seconds of silence with her just sitting there not knowing what to do, but undoubtedly curious as to where this phone may have come from, she decides to listen and just listen, there's no harm in that. "Whatever... Anyhow, I just wanted to tell you thanks for the beautiful rings you got me, they sure will come in handy. But baby, about tonight... well, I'm not gonna be able to make it. I just kind of was thinking about it, and decided that maybe it's for the best if I don't see you again, anytime soon. See, I just met this guy and... well, it's like we click so well! I knew that we would be good for one another, so we've decided to go traveling together on his motorcycle. I know, it's crazy, but I just feel like this is it, you know? Gotta take this and run with it, see where it goes. I hope you understand, and it's ok if you are mad at me, but I need this. Don't worry about me, I'll be ok. I hope that we can still be friends..." Inaudible screams in the back, a motorcycle revs up. "Ok, well, I gotta go, talk to you soon!" Click.

            "Man, thats heavy..." She holds the cell phone in her hand, kneeling in front of a pile of fresh clothes. "... Fucking buttons." She gets up and walks towards her door, grabbing her purse along the way.

-----

            Walking down the sidewalk she tries to think about whether or not she should tell him about the phone call, or just return the phone without bringing up a word of it. Some things are better left unsaid, although to leave someone waiting for something that will never be there sure seems kind of unfair. "I guess I'll have to tell him." She lights a cigarette she'd pre-rolled for the walk. Her heels click clack against the pavement along with her rhythmic strut, which at times gets drowned out by the passing vehicles, but after a second or so could be heard again, just click clack click clack down the street.

            She remembers how she met Mario, and the hell that ensued because she wasn't honest with herself, or with him for that matter. It was an experience she would never want to repeat, the worse of which was being in the dark about so much for that long of a time. It wasn't until that friend told her to continue on with life and never dilute who she was for the likes of anyone, that she began to understand what it meant to be truly free. Free from the world and the chains trying to get around her that laid also strewn around these arrogant fools, who is just waiting to catch the next lucky girl for a night of undiluted passion, until the next day. Then it's a bunch of words mixed in with who are you, and get out of my house. Being used is never fun.

            Lost in thought she'd passed The Golden Brick House, and was now in the middle of crossing the street as she realized this. She almost stopped herself, but continued to walk to the other side. She stood next to the news stand and picked up a rag mag. One title jumped at her right away, so she read it first. "Sour Girl." It was a poem about some silly blokes short lived love affair. Falling in love, the drama that ensues, and then realizing what a fool he's been all along. It's kind of sweet, though very sexually charged. She catches the light finally turning from the corner of her eye, there are others waiting to let them cross. She momentarily joins the herd as they transverse from one side of the street to the next.

            Coming up to the bar she realizes she's just walked away with the magazine. Oh well, she'll just have to return it later. She may just have to pay for it though, and that is fine.

-----

            Brian is sitting at the end of the bar, holding a beer in one hand, and a couple of shot glasses, some filled with a semi clear liquid. Leaning in to make it through the door, she makes it past the row of stools in front of the bar up to him, where she puts her purse down beside him, the expression on his face is priceless as he looks more than just a little surprised. In her hands are his cell phone and one of the shots from the bar.

            "You dropped this." She holds it in front of her as she slams down the shot. He shifts through his pockets, not finding what he's looking for. "Really, it's yours..." She savors the alcohol with a bitter face. "I can't believe you didn't even notice it was gone. Blergh."

            "Heh... Thanks I guess... Joana?" He grabbed the cell phone from her hand, his finger slightly touching hers. He could feel her skin was silky smooth.

            "Yeah! You remembered... umm..." She winced trying to remember his. She felt like such a klutz. "Brian."

            "Indeed. Would you look at the time... I wasn't even thinking about the time after I had those Aborted Fetus'. Whew... Gene sure knows how to make a drink. Greatest little person bar tender EVER!" He sipped at his beer. She knew exactly what he was talking about, Gene just knew how to read people sometimes. 

            "So, did you ever find what you were looking for here?"

            " Nawh, she never showed up. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I guess she missed me or something."

            "Yeah, about that." She made a gesture of two at the short bartender wearing green sequenced suit. He knew her drink by heart, and had already started one which was just about done. He nodded in agreement to the request of a second drink, and began a new glass.

            "Great place, I love the decor. It's like I'm in Wizard of Oz." He points at the emerald walls, and motions to the golden brick floors. 

            "Yeah, it's a pretty interesting bar, I've had many a nights of fun here." Two drinks are put down in front of her, she grabs them both and hands one to Brian.

            "Thanks..." They both slam them down, and enjoy the creamy sensation that is an aborted fetus, slowly starting to warm up their belly."Missed calls, all from a pay-phone. *sigh* I guess she couldn't make it." He slouches a bit, and sips at his beer.

            "Listen, I accidentally answered one of your phone calls... trying to mute it of course, I didn't mean to pick up, but..." She looked over at him, his expression was now a little quizzical, curious as to what her next words would be. As she stopped herself, she looked over at the bar tender and motioned for 2 more rounds. "Well...